Charade’s Quote Collection

Charade’s Quote Collection: (last updated 07-23-1998)

       The precision and source of all of these quotes have not been confirmed in all cases. I do try to be accurate, and will remove or append quotes when presented with sufficient evidence that doing so will improve this list. To the best of my knowledge, the quotations on this page are accurate. However, it is incumbent upon the reader to verify the correctness and sources of these quotes if they wish to use them in any capacity where authenticity counts. I would appreciate being contacted by anyone with information that suggests that any of these quotes are either incorrectly stated, inappropriately attributed, or apocryphal. Some of the quotes (last section) are unattributed. If you know the proper source, please let me know. (And, thanks to all of those who helped improve this collection.) As much as I would like to be accurate with these quotes, this collection represents the efforts of my interest, and not my pursuit of scholarly excellence with respect to collecting quotes.

The ideas and beliefs expressed in these quotations do not necessarily reflect my own views, though some do. I have selected quotes for many different reasons. Some were chosen not so much for what they said as how they said it. Others were chosen because I considered them thought provoking, though I may not agree with their content. Some are simply amusing and are selected for entertainment value; others perhaps because of the sense of irony conveyed in the knowledge of who made the quote. And of course, some were chosen because I feel they serve as an example of what to be wary of in others. I claim no copyright to this collection. I would ask, however, that if anyone distributes this quote collection as a whole, you indicate its source and include these disclaimers.

The Quotations Page of my Useful Stuff Pages has more quote resources and a random quote generator.

A slipping sear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.
– August 1993 issue of PS magazine, the Army’s preventive maintenance magazine
Your food stamps will be stopped effective March, 1992, because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.
– From a letter to a dead person from the Greenville County (S.C.) Department of Social Services.
Students today can’t prepare bark to calculate their problems. They depend upon their slates which are more expensive. What will they do when the slate is dropped and it breaks? They will be unable to write!
– Teacher’s Conference, 1703.
Students today depend upon paper too much. They don’t know how to write on a slate without getting chalk dust all over themselves. They can’t clean a slate properly. What will they do when they run out of paper?
– Principal’s Association, 1815.
Bereavement leave is limited to 3 days immediately following the death of the family member and must be scheduled in advance.
– from an employee handbook of a Pittsburgh (Oakland area) hospital.
The Lord’s Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
– From an article on the growth of federal regulations in the Oct. 24th issue of National Review
In this chapter, the present tense includes the past and future tenses, and the future, the present; the masculine gender includes the feminine, and the feminine, the masculine, and the singular includes the plural, and the plural the singular.
– Code of Dept. of Consumer Affairs, CA
The patriot must always be prepared to defend his country from his government.
– Ed Abbey
Anarchism is founded on the observation that since few men are wise enough to rule themselves, even fewer are wise enough to rule others.
– Edward Abbey
Power is always dangerous. Power attracts the worst and corrupts the best.
– Edward Abbey
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.
– Dean Acheson
Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end.
– Lord Acton
Historic responsibility has to make up for the want of legal responsibility. Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.
– First Baron John Emerich Edward Dalberg – Acton
There is a theory that states: ‘If anyone finds out what the universe is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bizarrely inexplicable.’ There is another theory that states: ‘This has already happened….’
– Douglas Adams
In the beginning, the universe was created. This made a lot of people very angry, and has been widely regarded as a bad idea.
– Douglas Adams
Prohibition is an awful flop. We like it. It can’t stop what it’s meant to stop. We like it. It’s left a trail of graft and slime It don’t prohibit worth a dime It’s filled our land with vice and crime, Nevertheless, we’re for it.
– Franklin P. Adams, 1931, (newspaperman) in the New York World, following release of the report of the Wickersham Commission
There is no such thing as a ‘self-made’ man. We are made up of thousands of others. Everyone who has ever done a kind deed for us, or spoken one word of encouragement to us, has entered into the make-up of our character and of our thoughts, as well as our success.
– George Matthew Adams
A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops.
– Henry Adams (1838-1918)
Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.
– Henry Adams
No man means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous.
– Henry Brooks Adams
Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.
– Joey Adams
As the happiness of the people is the sole end of government, so the consent of the people is the only foundation of it.
– John Adams
There is but one element of government. and that is THE PEOPLE. From this element spring all governments.
– John Adams (1735-1826), Letter to John Taylor, 1814
It is not only [the trial juror’s] right, but his duty to find the verdict according to his own best understanding, judgement and conscience, though in direct opposition to the direction of the court.
– John Adams
I inhabit a week, frail, decayed tenement; battered by the winds and broken in on by the storms, and, from all I can learn, the landlord does not intend to repair.
– John Quincy Adams, 1767-1848
Organic chemistry is the study of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
– Mike Adams
If ye love wealth greater than liberty, the tranquility of servitude greater than the animating contest for freedom, go home from us in peace. We seek not your counsel, nor your arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you; and may posterity forget that ye were our countrymen.
– Samuel Adams
When a man’s willing and eager, the gods join in.
– Aeschylus
Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
– Aesop
Those who voluntarily put power into the hands of a tyrant or an enemy, must not wonder if it be at last turned against themselves.
– Aesop
Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors.
– African Proverb
Every great scientific truth goes through three stages: First, people say it conflicts with the Bible. Next they say it had been discovered before. Lastly, they say they always believed it.
– Jean Louis Agassiz (1807-1883)
Hold tenderly that which you cherish, for it is precious and a tight grip may crush it. Do not let the fear of dropping it cause you to hold it too tightly: the chances are, it’s holding you, too.
– Bob Alberti
The man who has no imagination has no wings.
– Muhammad Ali
The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.
– Muhammad Ali (also see Robert Louis Stevenson)
Once you accept your own death, all of a sudden you are free to live.
– Saul Alinsky
I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
– Fred Allen
I didn’t accept it. I received it.
– Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan, explaining the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given by two Japanese journalists after he helped arrange a private interview for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances of having a date on Saturday night.
– Woody Allen
I don’t want to be immortal through my work. I want to be immortal through not dying.
– Woody Allen
If God does exist, I don’t think he’s vengeful; I just think he’s an underachiever.
-Woody Allen
Life is a concentration camp. You’re stuck here and there’s no way out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.
– Woody Allen
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
– Woody Allen
Masturbation, don’t knock it, it’s sex with someone you love.
– Woody Allen (b. 1935)
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
– Woody Allen
My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.
– Woody Allen
Today I saw a red-and-yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday, too, and it rained.
– Woody Allen
Satire is great, but for Nazis you use baseball bats and broken bottles.
– Woody Allen
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
– Woody Allen
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman.
– Woody Allen
Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it’s one of the best.
– Woody Allen
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
– Woody Allen
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
– Woody Allen
What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream? Or what’s worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
– Woody Allen
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
– Woody Allen
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
– Woody Allen
There are three kinds of death in this world. There’s heart death, there’s brain death, and there’s being off the network.
– Guy Almes
If you can’t annoy somebody, there’s little point in writing.
– Kingsley Amis
I can’t take a well-tanned person seriously.
– Cleveland Amory
The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with an idea.
– ancient computer saying
I can never make up my mind if I’m happy being a flute player, or if I wish I were Eric Clapton.
– Ian Anderson
I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
– Poul Anderson
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.
– Jeremy S. Anderson
Better to have bread and an onion with peace than stuffed fowl with strife.
– Arab proverb
The whisper of a pretty girl can be heard further than the roar of a lion.
– Arabian Proverb
You’re aware the boy failed my grade school math class, I take it? And not that many years later he’s teaching college. Now I ask you: Is that the sorriest indictment of the American educational system you ever heard? [pauses to light cigarette.] No aptitude at all for long division, but never mind. It’s him they ask to split the atom. How he talked his way into the Nobel prize is beyond me. But then, I suppose it’s like the man says, It’s not what you know…
– Karl Arbeiter: former teacher of Albert Einstein
We trained hard, but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams, we would be reorganized. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing; and a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while producing confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization.
– Apocryphal. Attributed to Petronius Arbiter, 210 BC. More likely from Robert Townsend, ‘Up The Organization’ 1970.
Give me a lever and place to stand, and I will move the world.
– Archimedes
You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.
– Aristophanes c. 450-385 BC, Knights [424]b.c.] l. 217
A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave… The female is a female by virtue of a certain lack of qualities – a natural defectiveness.
– Aristotle
All virtue is summed up in dealing justly.
– Aristotle
A democracy is a government in the hands of men of low birth, no property, and vulgar employments.
– Aristotle
Anyone can become angry. That is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way – that is not easy.
– Aristotle
Education is the best provision for old age.
– Aristotle
How many a dispute could have been deflated into a single paragraph if the disputants had dared to define their terms?
– Aristotle
It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.
– Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
– Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)
Man is by nature a political animal.
– Aristotle
The gods too are fond of a joke.
– Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)
Wit is educated insolence.
– Aristotle
Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods.
– Aristotle
Scientific apparatus offers a window to knowledge, but as they grow more elaborate, scientists spend ever more time washing the windows.
– Isaac Asimov
Self-education is, I firmly believe, the only kind of education there is.
– Isaac Asimov
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not Eureka! (I found it!) but rather, ‘hmm…. that’s funny…’
– Isaac Asimov
The only thing I like about rich people is their money.
– Lady Nancy Astor
Though science can cause problems, it is not by ignorance that we will solve them.
– Isaac Asimov
University President: Why is it that you physicists always require so much expensive equipment? Now the Department of Mathematics requires nothing but money for paper, pencils, and erasers . . . and the Department of Philosophy is better still. It doesn’t even ask for erasers.
– Told by Isaac Asimov
A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.
– W.H. Auden (1907-1973)
Those who will not reason, perish in the act. Those who will not act, perish for that reason.
– W.H. Auden, ‘Shorts’
We are here to help others, but what the others are here for I cannot say.
– W.H. Auden
A thing is not necessarily true because badly uttered, nor false because spoken magnificently.
– St. Augustine
The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell.
– St. Augustine
To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.
– St. Augustine
I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them.
– Jane Austen
You white people are so strange. We think it is very primitive for a child to have only two parents.
– Australian Aboriginal Elder
It’s lots of fun to blow bubbles but it’s wiser to prick them before someone else tries to.
– Oswald Avery
I do not fear Satan half so much as I fear those who fear him.
– Theresa of Avila
The danger from computers is not that they will eventually get as smart as men, but that we will meanwhile agree to meet them halfway.
– Bernard Avishai
You’re born with intelligence, but not with ethics.
– Massad Ayoob
I resent ‘experts’ who have never faced deadly threat, yet who tell me – and you – that we should not consider a response of equal power against those who would threaten our lives.
– Massad Ayoob, ‘The Truth About Self Protection’
There’s nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.
– Johann Sebastian Bach
Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.
– Richard Bach
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.
– Francis Bacon
Knowledge itself is power.
– Francis Bacon
A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.
– Francis Bacon
The reason why so few good books are written is that so few people who can write know anything.
– Walter Bagehot (1826-1877) Literary Studies
What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork.
– Pearl Bailey
I can’t stand this proliferation of paperwork. It’s useless to fight the forms. You’ve got to kill the people producing them.
– Vladimir Bakaidze, General Director of Ivanovo Machine Building Works.
War would end if the dead could return.
– Stanley Baldwin
History does not repeat itself. Historians repeat each other.
– Arthur Balfour (1848-1930)
You know, it takes forever to get out of Texas. And then when you do, you’re in Oklahoma.
– David Ball, country singer.
A politician is a person who can make waves and then make you think he’s the only one who can save the ship.
– Ivern Ball
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
– Honore de Balzac (1799-1850)
It is easier to be a lover than a husband for the simple reason that it is more difficult to be witty every day than to say pretty things from time to time.
– Honore de Balzac
If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner.
– Tallulah Bankhead
Be regular and orderly in your life, that you may be violent and original in your work.
– Clive Barker, ‘Jihad’
Somebody hits me, I’m going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn’t eaten in a while.
– Charles Barkley, after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball opponent in the Olympics
Television is the first truly democratic culture; the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. The most terrifying thing is what people do want.
– Clive Barnes
How were the receipts today at Madison Square Garden?
– Last words of P.T. Barnum
Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response.
– Mildred Barthel
I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I’ve watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate. All these moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.
– Roy Baty (Nexus6, N6MAA10816, Combat) in ‘Blade Runner’
To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.
– Bernard Baruch, 1870-1965
Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the men of old; seek what they sought.
– Basho
Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
– Louise Beal
You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in their struggle for independence.
– Charles Austin Beard, American Historian, 1874-1948
In things pertaining to enthusiasm, no man is sane who does not know how to be insane on proper occasions.
– H.W. Beecher
In the ordinary business of life, industry can do anything which genius can do, and very many things which it cannot.
– Henry Ward Beecher
Books are not made for furniture, but there is nothing else that so beautifully furnishes a house.
– Henry Ward Beecher
Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.
– Henry Ward Beecher
I value kindness to humans first of all, and kindness to animals. I don’t respect the law; I have total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer.
– Brendan Behan
…the myth of socialism is far stronger than the reality of capitalism. That is because capitalism is not really an ism at all. It is what people do if you leave them alone.
– Arnold Beichmen, Hoover Institute Fellow
When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
– Alexander Graham Bell
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by then I was too famous.
– Robert Benchley
Eagles may soar but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines!
– John Benfield
I really don’t deserve this, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.
– Jack Benny, upon receiving an award
Why do writers write? Because it isn’t there.
– Thomas Berger
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
– Ingrid Bergman (1917-1982)
Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all its pupils.
– Hector-Louis Berlioz
One day the President and Mrs. Coolidge were visiting a government farm. Soon after their arrival they were taken off on separate tours. When Mrs. Coolidge passed the chicken pens she paused to ask the man in charge if the rooster copulates more than once each day. ‘Dozens of times,’ was the reply. ‘Please, tell that to the President,’ Mrs. Coolidge requested. When the President passed the pens and was told about the roosters, he asked, ‘Same hen every time?’ ‘Oh no, Mr. President, a different one each time.’ The President nodded slowly, then said, ‘Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge.’
– G. Bermant
The great experimental principle, then, is doubt, that philosophic doubt which leaves to the mind its freedom and initiative, and from winch the virtues most valuable to investigators in physiology and medicine are derived.
– Claude Bernard, ‘An Introduction to Experimental Medicine’ 1865
If you come to a fork in the road, take it.
– Yogi Berra
Ninety percent of the game is half mental.
– Yogi Berra
We made too many wrong mistakes.
– Yogi Berra
When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
– Yogi Berra
You can observe a lot just by watchin’.
– Yogi Berra
Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another.
– Ambrose Bierce, ‘The Devil’s Dictionary’
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum. (I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.)
– Ambrose Bierce
Conservative, n. – A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.
– Ambrose Bierce
Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
– Ambrose Bierce, ‘The Devil’s Dictionary’
Diplomacy: The patriotic art of lying for one’s country.
– Ambrose Bierce
Lawyer, n. One skilled in the circumvention of the law.
– Ambrose Bierce
Quotation, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
– Ambrose Bierce, ‘The Devil’s Dictionary’ (1911)
Saints: a dead sinner revised and edited.
– Ambrose Bierce, ‘The Devil’s Dictionary’
There’s nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things we don’t know.
– Ambrose Bierce
Once a python weighs more than half the weight of his keeper, the potential of dangerous constriction becomes very real; snakes of this size should not be handled alone. Once a python outweighs his keeper, fatal constriction is at the discretion of the python.
– “Big Snake Bites, Part II,” The Vivarium, quoted in “LA Times”
I have no use for adventures. They’re nasty disturbing things that make you late for dinner.
– Bilbo
I like my penis, but I do not think it requires boldface, capitalization, italics, or other forms of typographical emphasis.
– Eugene Bild, Chicago Reader
Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope.
– Josh Billings
The best way to convince a fool he is wrong is to let him have his way.
– Josh Billings
An ordinary man can…surround himself with two thousand books…and thenceforward have at least one place in the world in which it is possible to be happy.
– Augustine Birrell
A little caution outflanks a large cavalry.
– Bismarck
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
– Shirley Temple Black (b. 1928)
It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.
– William Blake
Prisons are built with stones of Law, Brothels with bricks of Religion.
– William Blake
I do not like this word ‘bomb.’ It is not a bomb, it is a device which is exploding.
– Jacques Le Blanc, French ambassador to New Zealand speaking to the (NZ) National Press Club about French nuclear tests in the South Pacific; reported by NPR.
Dogs come when they are called; cats take a message and get back to you.
– Mary Bly
Your own happiness increases the more you give your happiness away.
– Bruce Bogaert
A physicist visits a colleague and notices a horseshoe hanging on the wall above the entrance. ‘Do you really believe that a horseshoe brings luck?’ he asks. ‘No,’ replies the colleague, ‘but I’ve been told that it works even if you don’t believe in it.’
– (Told by) Niels Bohrs
Never express yourself more clearly than you think.
– N. Bohr
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
– Niels Bohr
You are not thinking. You are merely being logical.
– Neils Bohr to Albert Einstein
If you think education is expensive – try ignorance.
– Derek Bok
The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
– Erma Bombeck
Ability is nothing without opportunity.
– Napoleon Bonaparte
Glory is fleeting but obscurity is forever.
– Napolean Bonaparte
In politics an absurdity is not a handicap.
– Napoleon Bonaparte
People just don’t know how to handle it if a woman uses smarts and brains rather than tits.
– Tracy Bonahm
The marvel of all history is the patience with which men and women submit to burdens unnecessarily laid upon them by their governments.
– William H. Borah
Guidelines for bureaucrats: 1) When in charge ponder 2) When in trouble delegate 3) When in doubt mumble.
– James H. Boren
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That’s where we come in; we’re computer professionals. We cause accidents.
– Nathaniel Borenstein
Sometimes I fear that, if Harvard does not give up trying to turn itself from an Institution of Learning into an Educational Institution, we may have a generation of professors whose duty it will be to disseminate information which they have not the time to acquire.
– Edwin G. Boring, from the preface of “Sensation and Perception in the History of Experimental Psychology”
If you are not an idealist by the time you are twenty you have no heart, but if you are still an idealist by the time you are thirty, you don’t have a head.
– Randolph Bourne
The function of Science Fiction is not to predict the future, but to prevent it.
– Ray Bradbury
The secret of happiness is to admire without desiring.
– F.H. Bradley
The most important political office is that of private citizen.
– Justice Louis D. Brandeis
Our government…teaches the whole people by its example. If the government becomes the lawbreaker, it breeds contempt for law; it invites every man to become a law unto himself; it invites anarchy.
– Justice Louis D. Brandeis
Experience should teach us to be most on our guard to protect liberty when the government’s purposes are beneficent. Men born to freedom are naturally alert to repel invasion of their liberty by evil-minded rulers. The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.
– Louis D. Brandeis (1856-1941), U.S. Supreme Court Justice Dissenting, Olmstead v. U.S., 277 US, 438 (1928)
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
– Dick Brandon
We do not consecrate the flag by punishing its desecration, for in doing so, we dilute the freedom this cherished emblem represents.
– Justice William Brennan
My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.
– Ashleigh Brilliant
Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.
– Ashleigh Brilliant
The modern definition of ‘racist’ is someone who is winning an argument with a liberal.
– Peter Brimelow
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
– Mel Brooks
I would rather be a transformed ape than a degenerate son of Adam.
– Pierre-Paul Broca
Whenever people say we mustn’t be sentimental, you can take it they are about to do something cruel. And, if they add, we must be realistic, they mean they are going to make money out of it.
– Brigid Brophy
Trust your hunches. They’re usually based on facts filed away just below the conscious level.
– Dr. Joyce Brothers
Education makes people easy to lead, but difficult to drive; easy to govern, but impossible to enslave.
– Henry Peter Brougham
If you can’t return a favour, pass it on.
– A.L. Brown
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
– A. Whitney Brown
There are a billion people in China. It’s not easy to be an individual in a crowd of more than a billion people. Think of it. More than a BILLION people. That means even if you’re a one-in-a-million type of guy, there are still a thousand guys exactly like you.
– A. Whitney Brown, _The Big Picture_
You can’t be truly rude until you understand good manners.
– Rita Mae Brown
Good judgment comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgment.
– Rita Mae Brown
If the world were a logical place, men would ride sidesaddle.
– Rita Mae Brown
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.
– Rita Mae Brown
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
– Sam Brown, “The Washington Post”, January 26, 1977
Think it more satisfactory to live richly than die rich.
– Sir Thomas Browne
Take away the right to say ‘fuck’ and you take away the right to say ‘fuck the government.’
– Lenny Bruce
It is proof of a base and low mind for one to wish to think with the masses or majority, merely because the majority is the majority. Truth does not change because it is, or is not, believed by a majority of the people.
– Giordano Bruno (1548- burned at the stake, 1600)
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
– William Jennings Bryan (1860-1925)
I’d rather entrust the government of the United States to the first 400 people listed in the Boston telephone directory than to the faculty of Harvard University.
– William F. Buckley, Jr.
I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word ‘fair’ in connection with income tax policies.
– William F. Buckley
Believe nothing merely because you have been told it… Do not believe what your teacher tells you merely out of respect for the teacher. But whatsoever, after due examination and analysis, you find to be kind, conducive to the good, the benefit, the welfare of all beings — that doctrine believe and cling to, and take it as your guide.
– Buddha
If a viper lives in your room and you wish to have a peaceful sleep, you must first chase it out.
– Buddha (B.C. 568-488)
Let yourself be open and life will be easier. A spoon of salt in a glass of water makes the water undrinkable. A spoon of salt in a lake is almost unnoticed.
– Buddha
The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, or not to anticipate troubles, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly.
– Buddha (B.C. 568-488)
Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.
– Buddha (B.C. 568-488)
If past history was all there was to the game, the richest people would be librarians.
– Warren Buffet, Washington Post
Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like the ones in movies.
– Bill Bulko
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
– Bumper Sticker
I brake for no apparent reason.
– Bumper Sticker
There’s no government like no government.
– Bumper sticker, seen in Berkeley, CA
Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.
– Bumper Sticker
The scientist is a lover of truth for the very love of truth itself, wherever it may lead.
– Luther Burbank (1849-1926) born on Mar 7; U.S. naturalist
The true danger is when liberty is nibbled away, for expedients, and by parts.
– Edmund Burke (1729-1797)
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
– Edmund Burke
Comedy is tragedy plus time.
– Carol Burnett
I think it’s beautiful the way the sun lights up the hair in your ears.
– Frank Burns on M.A.S.H.
The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself.
– Sir Richard F. Burton
A blow with a word strikes deeper than a blow with a sword.
– Robert Burton
I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell my children that, they just about throw up.
– Barbara Bush
People must be free to work, to save, to own their own home, to take risks, to invest in each other and, in essence, to control their own lives.
– George Bush
If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability.
– Vannevar Bush
L’amour vient de l’aveuglement, l’amitie de la connaissance. (Love comes from blindness, friendship from knowledge.)
– Comte de Bussy-Rabutin
Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.
– Comte de Bussy-Rabutin
Beware of the fool whose volume of words is as that of ten men, a hundred arrows shot and each one wide of the target. If thou art wise, shoot one and that one straight.
– Bustan of Sadi
I wouldn’t ever set out to hurt anybody deliberately unless it was, you know, important – like a league game or something.
– Dick Butkus, Chicago Bears Linebacker
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
– James Branch Cabell (1879-1958) ‘The Silver Stallion’ (1926)
San Francisco isn’t what it used to be, and never was.
– Herb Caen
The trouble with born-again christians is that they are a bigger pain the second time around.
– Herb Caen
Veni, vidi, vici. (I came, I saw, I conquered.)
– Gaius Julius Caesar (c. 102-44 BC)
Even granting that the genius subjected to the test of critical inspection emerges free from all error, we should consider that everything he has discovered in a given domain is almost nothing in comparison with what is left to be discovered.
– Santiago Ramón y Cajal
An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.
– Simon Cameron
Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy.
– Joseph Campbell
Don’t walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don’t walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me, and just be my friend.
– Albert Camus
It is a kind of spiritual snobbery that makes people think they can be happy without money.
– Albert Camus
No, but they gave one to me anyway.
– LA Lakers rookie Elden Campbell, when asked if he earned a degree at Clemson University
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
– Al Capone (1899-1947)
In order to learn, one must change one’s mind.
– Orson Scott Card
You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
– Dale Carnegie
There exists a curious lot of witless or perhaps psychopathic characters who love to run over box turtles on the roads to hear them pop, and there is probably nothing more that can be done about these people except to hope they skid.
– Carr, ‘Handbook of Turtles’ 1952.
Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap, nature immediately comes up with a better mouse.
– James Carswell
Penalties against possession of a drug should not be more damaging to an individual than the use of the drug itself.
– President Jimmy Carter, Aug. 2, 1977
I’m not cynical about marriage or romance. I enjoyed being married. And although being single was fun for a while, there was always the risk of dating someone who’d owned a lunch box with my picture on it.
– Shaun Cassidy, married at 21, divorced at 33.
There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
– Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate. San Jose Mercury News, 5/4/94
If (O.J. Simpson) is acquitted, I will renounce my citizenship. And if I converse with him at a cocktail party, I will say, ‘Well, there are so many people here who haven’t murdered anyone. I think I’ll go talk to them.’ I’ll also riot.
– Dick Cavett.
I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I speak the truth, and they never believe me.
– Conte Camillo Benso di Cavour
All extremes are error. The reverse of error is not truth, but error still. Truth lies between extremes.
– Cecil
Be slow of tongue and quick of eye.
– Cervantes
The world’s costliest coffee, at $130 a pound, is called Kopi Luwak. Essentially, it is the droppings from a type of marsupial that eats only the very best coffee beans. Plantation workers track them and scoop their precious poop.
– Irena Chalmers, ‘The Great Food Almanac’
American stuntmen are smart — they think about safety. When they do a jump in a car, they calculate everything: the speed, the distance… But in Hong Kong, we don’t know how to count. Everything we do is a guess. If you’ve got the guts, you do it. All of my stuntmen have gotten hurt. I say, ‘Do it! Camera, action, jump!’ Boom! Ambulance! Hospital! Next stuntman!
– Jackie Chan, actor, director, and stuntman.
How many cares one loses when one decides not to be something but to be someone.
– Coco Chanel
In the end, everything is a gag.
– Charlie Chaplin (1889-1977)
Home is wherever my books are.
– Charade
Have an adequate day.
– Charade
I new a girl that almost stole my heart; she was an Aztec priestess.
– Charade
I don’t believe in atheism.
– Charade
It’s not the cold, it’s the lack of humidity.
– Charade
So you say you’re a hypochondriac. How do you know you just don’t think you’re a hypochondriac?
– Charade
Learning is acquired by reading books; but the much more necessary learning, the knowledge of the world, is only to be acquired by reading man, and studying all the various editions of them.
– Lord Chesterfield
Ridicule is the best test of truth.
– Lord Chesterfield (1694-1773)
Without education, we are in the horrible and deadly danger of taking educated people seriously.
– G.K. Chesterton
One sees great things from the valley, only small things from the peak.
– G. K. Chesterton
Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.
– G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)
The word good has many meanings. For example, if a man were to shoot his grandmother at a range of five hundred yards, I should call him a good shot, but not necessarily a good man.
– Chesterton
Tolerance is the virtue of the man without convictions.
– Chesterton
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.
– G.K. Chesterton
To conquer the enemy without resorting to war is the most desirable. The highest form of generalship is to conquer the enemy by strategy.
– Ancient Chinese Warlord
A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.
– Chinese Proverb
Behind an able man there are always other able men.
– Chinese Proverb
Do not employ handsome servants.
– Chinese Proverb
Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend’s forehead.
– Chinese Proverb
Enjoy yourself – it’s later than you think.
– Chinese Proverb
He who sacrifices his conscience to ambition burns a picture to obtain the ashes.
– Chinese Proverb
If you bow at all, bow low.
– Chinese Proverb
If you stand straight, do not fear a crooked shadow.
– Chinese Proverb
If you suspect a man, don’t employ him, and if you employ him, don’t suspect him.
– Chinese Proverb
If you wish your merit to be known, acknowledge that of other people.
– Oriental Proverb
If your strength is small, don’t carry heavy burdens. If your words are worthless, don’t give advice.
– Chinese Proverb
In shallow waters, shrimps make fools of dragons.
– Chinese Proverb
Judge not the horse by his saddle.
– Chinese Proverb
Keep your broken arm inside your sleeve.
– Chinese Proverb
Make happy those who are near, and those who are far will come.
– Chinese Proverb
Never be boastful; someone may come along who knew you as a child.
– Chinese Proverb
Never write a letter while you are angry.
– Chinese Proverb
One should be just as careful in choosing one’s pleasures as in avoiding calamities.
– Chinese Proverb
Raise your sail one foot and you get ten feet of wind.
– Chinese Proverb
The palest ink is better than the best memory.
– Chinese Proverb
Talk does not cook rice.
– Chinese Proverb
Teachers open the door, but you must enter by yourself.
– Chinese Proverb
The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right names.
– Chinese Proverb
The wise man learns more from his enemies than a fool does from his friends.
– Chinese Proverb
There is no economy in going to bed early to save candles if the result is twins.
– Chinese Proverb
Use power to curb power.
– Chinese Proverb
Water floats a ship Water sinks a ship.
– Chinese Proverb
What is told in the ear of a man is often heard a hundred miles away.
– Chinese Proverb
When you drink the water, remember the spring.
– Chinese Proverb
When you have only two pennies left in the world, buy a loaf of bread with one, and a lily with the other.
– Chinese Proverb
When you want to test the depths of a stream, don’t use both feet.
– Chinese Proverb
Propaganda is to a democracy what the bludgeon is to a totalitarian state.
– Avram Noam Chomsky
I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
– Chang-tzu
If you say, “Would there were no wine” because of the drunkards, then you must say, going on by degrees, “Would there were no steel,” because of the murderers, “Would there were no night,” because of the thieves, “Would there were no light,” because of the informers, and “Would there were no women,” because of adultery.
– St. John Chrysostom: Homilies, c. 388
If water derives lucidity from stillness, how much more the faculties of the mind! The mind of the sage, being in repose, becomes the mirror of the universe, the speculum of all creation.
– Chuang Tzu
A fanatic is someone who can’t change his mind and who won’t change the subject.
– Winston Churchill
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile hoping it will eat him last.
– Winston Churchill
From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.
– Winston Churchill
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
– Winston Churchill
I like a man who grins when he fights.
– Winston Churchill
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
– Winston Churchill
It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations. Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations is an admirable work, and I studied it intently. The quotations when engraved upon the memory give you good thoughts. They also make you anxious to read the authors and look for more.
– Sir Winston Spencer Churchill 1874-1965, Roving Commission: My Early Life [1930]
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened.
– Winston Churchill
Mr. Attlee is a very modest man. Indeed he has a lot to be modest about.
– Winston Churchill
Never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never – in nothing, great or small, large or petty – never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense.
– Winston Spencer Churchill (1874-1965) _Address at Harrow School [October 29, 1941]
No one pretends that democracy is perfect or all-wise. Indeed, it has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except for all of the other forms which have been tried from time to time.
– Sir Winston Churchill
The Americans will always do the right thing… after they’ve exhausted all the alternatives.
– Winston Churchill
The best argument against democracy is a five minute talk with the average voter.
– Winston Churchill
The truth is incontrovertible. Malice may attack it. Ignorance may deride it. But in the end, there it is.
– Winston Churchill
There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
– Winston Churchill
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
– Winston Churchill
They are just jealous because they don’t have three wise men and a virgin in the whole organization.
– Mayor Vincent J. Ciarci, on the ACLU’s suit to have a city nativity scene removed.
A room without books is like a body without a soul.
– Marcus Tullius Cicero
No sane man will dance.
– Cicero (106-43 B.C.)
Not to know what has been transacted in former times is to be always a child. If no use is made of the labors of past ages, the world must remain always in the infancy of knowledge.
– Cicero
The national budget must be balanced. The public debt must be reduced; the arrogance of the authorities must be moderated and controlled. Payments to foreign governments must be reduced, if the nation doesn’t want to go bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance.
– Marcus Tullius Cicero
The Art of Love: knowing how to combine the temperament of a vampire with the discretion of an anemone.
– E.M. Cioran
A faith that cannot survive collision with the truth is not worth many regrets.
– Arthur C. Clarke
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
– Arthur C. Clarke, ‘Profiles of the Future’ 1962 (Clarke’s Third Law)
But the only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible.
– Arthur C. Clarke, ‘Profiles of the Future’ 1962 (Clarke’s Second Law)
Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
– Arthur C Clarke
Reading computer manuals without the hardware is a frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.
– Arthur C. Clarke
When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
– Arthur C. Clarke, ‘Profiles of the Future’ 1962 (Clarke’s First Law)
(and he continues further) Perhaps the adjective `elderly’ requires definition. In physics, mathematics, and astronautics it means over thirty; in the other disciplines, senile decay is sometimes postponed to the forties. There are, of course, glorious exceptions; but as every researcher just out of college knows, scientists of over fifty are good for nothing but board meetings, and should at all costs be kept out of the laboratory!
– Arthur C. Clarke, ‘Profiles of the Future’ 1962
(but, in rebuttal) When, however, the lay public rallies round an idea that is denounced by distinguished but elderly scientists and supports that idea with great fervor and emotion – the distinguished but elderly scientists are then, after all, probably right.
– Isaac Asimov, ‘Fantasy & Science Fiction’ 1977
The shortest distance between two points is through Hell.
– Brian Clark
The fact that slaughter is a horrifying spectacle must make us take war more seriously, but not provide an excuse for gradually blunting our swords in the name of humanity. Sooner or later someone will come along with a sharp sword and hack off our arms.
– Carl von Clausewitz
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.
– William Clayton
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
– Georges Clemenceau
Now, what I contend is that my body is my own, at least I have always so regarded it. If I do harm through my experimenting with it, it is I who suffer, not the state.
– Samuel Longhorn Clemmons (a.k.a. Mark Twain)
I don’t believe The American people want a gelding in the White House.
– Grover Cleveland, then Presidential candidate when the news came out before the election of 1884 that he was supporting a 10-year-old illegitimate son.
It is better to be defeated standing for a high principle than to run by committing subterfuge.
– President Grover Cleveland
Honor lies in honest toil.
– Grover Cleveland
We can’t be so fixated on our desire to preserve the rights of ordinary Americans…
– President William Jefferson Clinton, USA TODAY 11 Mar 1993
This is by far the largest group of radio and television correspondents ever assembled this far from a Los Angeles courtroom.
– President Clinton, surveying the crowd of 1,600 at the Radio and Television Correspondents’ Association dinner (3/20/95).
It’s like The Knack and The Bay City Rollers being molested by Black Flag and Black Sabbath.
– Kurt Cobain, lead singer and guitarist of Nirvana describing their group’s musical style.
Everybody wants to see justice done, to somebody else.
– Bruce Cockburn
We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don’t like?
– Jean Cocteau
It is the worst oppression, that is done by colour of justice
– Lord Coke
If you would be well with a great mind, leave him with a favorable impression of you; if with a little mind, leave him with a favorable opinion of himself.
– Samuel Coleridge (1772-1834)
Every man has one thing he can do better than anyone else – and usually it’s reading his own handwriting.
– G. Norman Collie
A man is as old as he’s feeling. A women as old as she looks.
– Mortimer Collins, 1827-1876
I have never been hurt by anything I didn’t say.
– Calvin Coolidge
You are not going to ‘go forth.’ You are going to take that damn hat off and you’re going to get a job.
– Bill Cosby, Entertainer at a commencement Speech at Southern Methodist University, May 20th, 1995
We have rights, as individuals, to give as much of our own money as we please to charity; but as members of Congress we have no right so to appropriate a dollar of public money.
– Colonel David Crockett, Member of Congress from 1827-1935
Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out.
– James B. Conant (1893-1978)
He who wishes to secure the good of others has already secured his own.
– Confucius.
Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand.
– Confucius
If we don’t know life, how can we know death?
– Confucius
In a country well governed, poverty is something to be ashamed of. In a country badly governed, wealth is something to be ashamed of.
– Confucius, Analects, VIII, c. 500 B.C
Learning without thought is labor lost; thought without learning is perilous.
– Confucius
One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.
– Confucius
Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time we fail.
– Confucius
Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance.
– Confucius
Study the past if you would divine the future.
– Confucius (B.C. 551-479)
The end of the day is near when small men make long shadows.
– Confucius
The superior man is distressed by the limitation of his ability; he is not distressed by the fact that men do not recognize the ability he has.
– Confucius
To know what is right and not to do it is the worst cowardice.
– Confucius (B.C. 551-479)
Virtue is not left to stand alone. He who practices it will have neighbors.
– Confucius
If I am walking with two other men, each of them will serve as my teacher. I will pick out the good points of the one and imitate them, and the bad points of the other and correct them in myself.
– Confucius (B.C. 551-479)
Confucius say too much.
– Recent Chinese proverb
Sylvia’s skin was exquisite, soft and pretty; Leonard loved the way it looked tacked up on his wall.
– Cynthia Conyers
Love may not make the world go round, but I must admit that it makes the ride worthwhile.
– Sean Connery
You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends.
– Joseph Conrad
The belief in a supernatural source of evil is not necessary; men alone are quite capable of every wickedness.
– Joseph Conrad
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.
– Constitution of the United States of America
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
– Rich Cook
When large numbers of men are unable to find work, unemployment results.
– Calvin Coolidge
You can’t know too much, but you can say too much.
– Calvin Coolidge
I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.
– Gary Cooper, on his decision not to take the leading role in “Gone With The Wind.
It’s not fear of striking out that makes me reluctant to step up to the plate. It’s the fear of getting hit in the head by a 90 mph fastball, the pitcher coming off of the mound to stomp me with her cleats while I am down, the rest of the opposing team rushing out of the dugout hurling insults as they kick me and spit on me, while all along the crowd in the stands is cheering them on and laughing at my failure. So, no, it’s not the fear of striking out that keeps me from stepping up to the plate.
– Jim Copeland
What a fool cannot learn he laughs at, thinking that by his laughter he shows superiority instead of latent idiocy.
– M. Corelli
Once I was stoned.
– Corinthians 11:25
The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.
– Norman Cousins
Man, of all the animals, is probably the only one to regard himself as a great delicacy.
– Jacques Cousteau, ‘Octopus and Squid: The Soft Intelligence’
While we are free to choose our actions, we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions.
– Stephen Covey
You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough.
– Frank Crane
Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.
– Joan Crawford
Only after the last tree has been cut down, Only after the last river has been poisoned, Only after the last fish has been caught, Only then will you find that money cannot be eaten.
– Cree Indian Prophecy
No people do so much harm as those who go about doing good.
– Mandell Creighton (1843-1901)
One of the most frightening things in the Western world, and in this country in particular, is the number of people who believe in things that are scientifically false. If someone tells me that the earth is less than 10,000 years old, in my opinion he should see a psychiatrist.
– Francis H.C. Crick
When the war finally came to an end I was at a loss as to what to do… I took stock of my qualifications. A not-very-good degree, redeemed somewhat by my achievements at the Admiralty. A knowledge of certain restricted parts of magnetism and hydrodynamics, neither of them subjects for which I felt the least bit of enthusiasm. No published papers at all… Only gradually did I realize that this lack of qualification could be an advantage. By the time most scientists have reached age thirty they are trapped by their own expertise. They have invested so much effort in one particular field that it is often extremely difficult, at that time in their careers, to make a radical change. I, on the other hand, knew nothing, except for a basic training in somewhat old-fashioned physics and mathematics and an ability to turn my hand to new things… Since I essentially knew nothing, I had an almost completely free choice…
– Francis Crick, What Mad Pursuit, Basic Books, New York, 1988, pp 15-16.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
– Robert X. Cringely, InfoWorld
Never keep up with the Jones. Drag them down to your level.
– Quetin Crisp
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, “Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe?”
– Quentin Crisp
When you go to court, you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
– Norm Crosby
If they give you ruled paper, write the other way.
– e. e. cummings
Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
– Marie Curie
Numerical superiority is of no consequence. In battle, victory will go to the best tactician.
– G.A. Custer
People often mistake what I say for what I am thinking. .
– Idi Amin Dada
The most certain test by which we judge whether a country is really free is the amount of security enjoyed by minorities.
– John E.E. Dalberg, Lord Acton (1834-1902), “The History of Freedom in Antiquity”
Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it.
– Salvador Dali
The difference between false memories and true ones is the same as for jewels: it is always the false ones that look the most real, the most brilliant.
– Salvador Dali (5/11/1904-1989)
The first man to compare the cheeks of a young woman to a rose was obviously a poet; the first to repeat it was possibly an idiot.
– Salvador Dali (5/11/1904-1989)
The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
– Salvador Dali
The Internet may fairly be regarded as a never-ending worldwide conversation. The government may not, through the [Communications Decency Act], interrupt that conversation… As the most participatory form of mass speech yet developed, the Internet deserves the highest protection from governmental intrusion… The government, therefore, implicitly asks this court to limit both the amount of speech on the Internet and the availability of that speech. This argument is profoundly repugnant to First Amendment principles.
– U.S. District Judge Stewart Dalzell, 1996
Act so in the valley that you need not fear those who stand on the hill.
– A Danish proverb
The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who in time of great moral crises maintain their neutrality.
– Dante Alighieri (1265-1321)
He didn’t say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech.
– Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush wasn’t following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no loss of wetlands.
Chase after the truth like all hell and you’ll free yourself, even though you never touch its coattails.
– Clarence Darrow
Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?
– Clarence Seward Darrow
I am an agnostic; I do not pretend to know what many ignorant men are sure of.
– Clarence Darrow
I don’t like spinach, and I’m glad I don’t, because if I liked it I’d eat it, and I just hate it.
– Clarence Darrow
Some day I hope to write a book where the royalties will pay for the copies I give away.
– Clarence Darrow (4/18/1857-1938)
To think is to differ.
– Clarence Darrow
When I was a boy, I was told that anybody could become President. Now I’m beginning to believe it.
– Clarence Darrow
A man who dares to waste an hour of time has not discovered the value of life.
– Charles Darwin
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn’t there.
– Charles Darwin
Animals, whom we have made our slaves, we do not like to consider our equal.
– Charles Darwin
The universe we observe has precisely the properties we should expect if there is, at bottom, no design, no purpose, no evil, no good, nothing but blind, pitiless indifference.
– Charles Darwin
Criticizing lawyers for lawsuits is like criticizing linebackers for knocking people down. – Dale Dauten, Newspaper columnist
Stupidity, like virtue, is its own reward
– Bill Davidsen
If you attack Stupidity you attack an entrenched interest with friends in government and every walk of public life.
– Robertson Davies
Book lovers are thought by unbookish people to be gentle and unworldly, and perhaps a few of them are so. But there are others who will lie and scheme and steal to get books as wildly and unconscionably as the dope-taker in pursuit of his drug. They may not want the books to read immediately, or at all; they want them to possess, to range on their shelves, to have at command. They want books as a Turk is thought to want concubines– not to be hastily deflowered, but to be kept at their master’s call, and enjoyed more often in thought than in reality.
– Robertson Davies
The dog is a yes-animal. Very popular with people who can’t afford a yes man.
– Robertson Davies
Love is not enough. It must be the foundation, the cornerstone, but not the complete structure. It is much too pliable, too yielding.
– Bette Davis
A legend is an old man with a cane known for what he used to do. I’m still doing it.
– Miles Davis (5/25/1926-1991)
The rights of one are as sacred as the rights of a million.
– Eugene V. Debs, US labor leader. (Note: Debs received one million votes in 1920 as candidate for US President, while serving a 10-year jail sentence for having said in June 1918: “Wars throughout history have been waged for conquest and plunder…the master class has always declared the wars; the subject class has always fought the battles.”)
We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
– Decca Recording Co., rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
It does not matter whether the cat is black or white. So long as it catches the mouse, it is a good cat.
– Deng Xiaoping
The juvenile sea squirt wanders through the sea searching for a suitable rock or hunk of coral to cling to and make its home for life. For this task, it has a rudimentary nervous system. When it finds its spot and takes root, it doesn’t need its brain anymore so it eats it! (It’s rather like getting tenure.)
– Daniel Dennett, ‘Consciousness Explained,’ p. 177
There’s nothing I like less than bad arguments for a view that I hold dear.
– Daniel Dennett
A state is better governed which has few laws, and those laws strictly observed.
– Descartes
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
– Rene Descartes, ‘Discours de la Methode’
Quite a number of people also describe the German classical author, Shakespeare as belonging to the English literature, because – quite accidentally born at Stratford-on-Avon, he was forced by the authorities of that country to write in English.
– ‘Deutshcer Weckruf und Beobachter’ 1940
Every great advance in science has issued from a new audacity of imagination.
– John Dewey, 1859-1952
If you aren’t open minded, you aren’t trying.
Things that are expensive are good.
– Di
Reality is that which refuses to go away when I stop believing in it.
– Phillip K. Dick
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.
– Gordon R. Dickson
Love your enemies just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards.
– R.A. Dickson
In America sex is an obsession, in other parts of the world it is a fact.
– Marlene Dietrich
Computer Science is not about computers, any more than astronomy is about telescopes.
– Edgar W. Dijkstra
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
– Edgar W. Dijkstra
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
– Phyllis Diller
I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
– David Dinkins, New York City mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
Let thy speech be better than silence, or be silent.
– Dionysius the Elder
Every woman should marry, and no man.
– Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881)
Justice is truth in action.
– Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881)
I will not go down to posterity talking bad grammar.
– Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881)
It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.
– Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881)
Man is only truly great when he acts from the passions.
– Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881)
Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so you apologize for truth.
– Benjamin Disraeli
Never complain and never explain.
– Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881)
No Government can be long secure without a formidable Opposition.
– Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881)
The greatest good you can do for another is not just to share your riches but to reveal to him his own.
– Benjamin Disraeli
The more extensive a man’s knowledge of what has been done, the greater will be his power of knowing what to do.
– Disraeli (1804-1881)
The wisdom of the wise and the experience of the ages are perpetuated by quotations.
– Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881)
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.
– Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881)
When men are pure, laws are useless; when men are corrupt, laws are broken.
– Benjamin Disraeli
You know how dumb the average guy is? Well, by definition, half of them are even dumber than that.
– J.R. ‘Bob’ Dobbs
If there are no stupid questions, then what sort of questions do stupid people ask?
– Dogbert
I used to think that seniority was a terrible thing when I didn’t have any.
– Senator Robert Dole, in interview on CNBC.
Confound those who have said our remarks before us.
– Aelius Donatus
Creativity is essentially a lonely art. An even lonelier struggle. To some a blessing. To others a curse. It is in reality the ability to reach inside yourself and drag forth from your very soul an idea.
– Lou Dorfsman
Always remember, that someone, somewhere, is making a product that will make your product obsolete.
– Georges Doriot, founder of American R & D.
The secret of man’s being is not only to live but to have something to live for.
– Fedor Dostoevsky
Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on Earth.
– Fedor Dostoevsky
Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the roar of the ocean without the roar of its many waters.
– Frederick Douglass (1817?-1895)
This country is a one-party country. Half of it is called Republican and half is called Democrat. It doesn’t make any difference. All the really good ideas belong to the Libertarians.
– Hugh Downs Co-host ABC-TV’s 20/20, March 31, 1997
It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data.
– Arthur Conan Doyle
Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself; but talent instantly recognizes genius.
– Arthur Conan Doyle
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
– Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.
– Will Durant
History is an endless repetition of the wrong way of living.
– Lawerence Durrell
Something is either done or it is not done.
– Dwarven Proverb
Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
– Dykstra
They gave me a book of checks. They didn’t ask for any deposits.
– Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer questions about the House Bank Scandal.
I’m interested in the fact that the less secure a man is, the more likely he is to have extreme prejudice.
– Clint Eastwood
I’ve got a firm policy on gun control. If there’s a gun around, I want to be the one controlling it.
– Clint Eastwood
There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.
– Clint Eastwood
I’m interested in the fact that the less secure a man is, the more likely he is to have extreme prejudice.
– Clint Eastwood
History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely when they have exhausted all other alternatives.
– Abba Eban
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
– Abba Eban
People will inevitably associate me with my father, but I would not have anyone believe that I am trading on the name Edison. I would rather have you know me merely as the result of one of my father’s earlier experiments.
– Charles Edison (son of the inventor), During his campaign for governor of New Jersey in 1940
To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
– Thomas Alva Edison
Just because something doesn’t do what you planned it to do doesn’t mean it’s useless.
– Thomas Alva Edison
Results! Why man, I have gotten a lot of results. I know several thousand things that won’t work
– Thomas Alva Edison
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
– Thomas Edison
Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
– Thomas Edison
What used to be called a prejudice is now called a null hypothesis.
– A.W.F. Edwards, Nature, 9th March 1971
A man’s ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death.
– Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
An empty stomach is not a good political advisor.
– Albert Einstein
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
– Albert Einstein
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
– Albert Einstein
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age 18.
– Albert Einstein
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
– Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.
– Albert Einstein, (1879-1955)
Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
– Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
He who joyfully marches to music rank and file, has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would surely suffice. This disgrace to civilization should be done away with at once. Heroism at command, how violently I hate all this, how despicable and ignoble war is; I would rather be torn to shreds than be a part of so base an action. It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder.
– Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
I am convinced that He does not play dice.
– Albert Einstein
I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.
– Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.
– Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
I never thought that others would take them so much more seriously then I did.
– Albert Einstein, about his theories
If I had my life to live over again, I’d be a plumber.
– Albert Einstein
If I were not a physicist, I would probably be a musician. I often think in music. I live my daydreams in music. I see my life in terms of music. … I get most joy in life out of music.
– Albert Einstein, (1879-1955)
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?.
– Albert Einstein
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
– Albert Einstein
It is the theory that decides what we can observe.
– Albert Einstein, quoted in Bruce Gregory ‘Inventing Reality: Physics as Language’
Nationalism is an infantile sickness. It is the measles of the human race.
– Albert Einstein
Peace cannot be achieved through violence, it can only be attained through understanding.
– Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
Problems cannot be solved at the same level of awareness that created them.
– Albert Einstein
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.
– Albert Einstein
Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one’s living at it.
– Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
– Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.
– Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.
– Albert Einstein
The prestige of the government has undoubtedly been lowered considerably by the Prohibition law. For nothing is more destructive of respect for the government and the law of the land than passing laws which cannot be enforced. It is an open secret that the dangerous increase of crime in this country is closely connected with this.
– Albert Einstein, ‘My first impression of the U.S.A.’ an interview for ‘Nieuwe Rotterdamsche Courant’ 1921. Appeared in ‘Berliner Tageblatt’ July 7, 1921. Reprinted in ‘Ideas and Opinions’ published by Bonanza Books.
The release of atom power has changed everything except our way of thinking…the solution to this problem lies in the heart of mankind. If only I had known, I should have become a watchmaker.
– Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
The strength of the constitution lies entirely in the determination of each citizen to defend it. Only if every single citizen feels duty bound to do his share in this defense are the constitutional rights secure.
– Albert Einstein
[There is] a duty in refusing to cooperate in any undertaking that violates the Constitutional rights of the individual. This holds in particular for all inquisitions that are concerned with the private life and the political affiliations of the citizens…
– Albert Einstein
Things should be made as simple as possible, but not any simpler.
– Albert Einstein
Watch the stars, and from them learn. To the Master’s honor all must turn, each in its track, without a sound, forever tracing Newton’s ground.
– Albert Einstein, (translation by Dave Fredrick)
We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.
– Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
When the solution is simple, God is answering.
– Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
When I examine myself and my methods of thought, I come to the conclusion that the gift of fantasy has meant more to me than any talent for abstract, positive thinking.
– Albert Einstein
You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.
– Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
– Dwight D. Eisenhower
An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows.
– Dwight D. Eisenhower
When you appeal to force, there’s one thing you must never do – lose.
– Dwight D. Eisenhower
Humankind cannot stand very much reality.
– T.S. Eliot
Immature poets imitate; mature poets steal.
– T.S. Eliot
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
– T.S. Eliot
My life is light, waiting for the death wind, Like a feather on the back of my hand.
– T.S. Eliot
Television is a medium of entertainment that permits millions of people to listen to the same joke at the same time – and yet remain lonesome.
– T.S. Eliot
The two most common elements in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
– Harlan Ellison
A man must consider what a rich realm he abdicates when he becomes a conformist.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from the vexation of thinking.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
Be and not seem.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
Common sense is genius dressed in its working clothes.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
Every actual State is corrupt. Good men must not obey laws too well.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
Every great and commanding moment in the annals of the world is the triumph of somebody’s enthusiasm.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
Every revolution was first a thought in one man’s mind.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
Go oft to the house of thy friend, for weeds choke the unused path.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson, ‘Society and Solitude’ 1870
Next to the originator of a good sentence is the first quoter of it. I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
No law can be sacred to me but that of my nature. Good and bad are but names very readily transferable to that or this; the only right is what is after my own constitution; the only wrong what is against it.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm
– Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
The creation of a thousand forests is in one acorn.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
The less government we have the better.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
The louder he talks of honour, the faster we count our spoons.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
The only sin we never forgive each other is difference of opinion.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
The only way to have a friend is to be one.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
We walk alone in the world. Friends, such as we desire, are dreams and fables.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
– English Professor, Ohio University
Scitum est inter caecos luscum regnare posse. (It is well known, that among the blind the one-eyed man is king.)
– Gerard Didier Erasmus (c. 1465-1536)
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
– P. Erdos
The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon.
– Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
Millions long for immortality who don’t know what to do on a rainy Saturday afternoon.
– Susan Ertz (1894-1985) British novelist
I don’t use drugs; my dreams are frightening enough.
– M.C. Escher
When spiders unite they can tie down a lion.
– Ethiopian proverb
Whom the gods destroy, they first make mad.
– Euripides
You know what it’s like to be dead. It’s just like it was before you were born. Remember what it was like before you were born?
– Evan
When a woman behaves like a man, why can’t she behave like a nice man?
– Dame Edith Evans
Nothing is too wonderful to be true if it be consistent with the laws of nature.
– Michael Faraday
In a Russian tragedy, everybody dies. In a Russian comedy, everybody dies too. But they die happy.
– Barry Farber, in the ‘Journal of Petroleum Technology’
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
– The Farmer’s Almanac
It is never too late to be what you might have been.
– Farmer’s Almanac, 1995
It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.
– William Faulkner
Just because information has been published doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be classified.
– Lincoln D. Faurer, NSA director
One of the indictments of civilization is that happiness and intelligence are so rarely found in the same person.
– William Feather
A myth is a religion in which no one any longer believes.
– James Feibleman
Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?
– Jules Feiffer
I used to think I was poor. Then they told me I wasn’t poor, I was needy. Then they told me it was self-defeating to think of myself as needy. I was deprived. (Oh not deprived but rather underprivileged.) Then they told me that underprivileged was overused. I was disadvantaged. I still don’t have a dime. But, I have a great vocabulary.
– Jules Feiffer
The big mistake that men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen and all of a sudden they’ve reached puberty, they believe that they like women. Actually, you’re just horny. It doesn’t mean you like women any more at twenty-one than you did at ten.
– Jules Feiffer (cartoonist)
If the King’s English was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for me!
– Ma Ferguson, Governor of Texas
I think that it is much more likely that the reports of flying saucers are the results of the known irrational characteristics of terrestrial intelligence than of the unknown rational efforts of extra-terrestrial intelligence.
– Richard Feynman
I’d hate to die twice. It’s so boring.
– The last words of Richard P. Feynman
It takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong, and an even bigger one to keep his mouth shut when he’s right.
– Jim Fiebig
A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.
– Response to Debbi Fields’ idea of starting Mrs. Fields’ Cookies
If you’re a real good kid, I’ll give you a piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw.
– W.C. Fields
The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of panty hose.
– James Finke, President, Commodore International Ltd. (1982)
Knowledge is a process of piling up facts; wisdom lies in their simplification.
– Martin H. Fischer
As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don’t.
– Carrie Fisher
Show me a hero and I will write you a tragedy.
– F. Scott Fitzgerald
Writers aren’t exactly people…they’re a whole lot of people trying to be one person.
– F. Scott Fitzgerald
The whole dream of democracy is to raise the proletarian to the level of stupidity attained by the bourgeois.
– Gustave Flaubert
A fool and his money are soon parted. What I want to know is how they got together in the first place.
– Cyril Fletcher, BBC radio program 28 May 1969
A great obstacle to happiness is to expect too much happiness.
– Fontenelle (1657-1757)
The words, ‘penalty,’ ‘restrict’ and ‘violate’ appeared more times in President Clinton’s health care reform bill than in his crime bill.
– Malcolm S. Forbes, Jr.
The price of liberty is, always has been, and always will be blood: the person who is not willing to die for his liberty has already lost it to the first scoundrel who is willing to risk dying to violate that person’s liberty. Are you free?
– Andrew Ford
25 states allow anyone to buy a gun, strap it on, and walk down the street with no permit of any kind: some say it’s crazy. However, 4 out of 5 US murders are committed in the other half of the country: so who is crazy?
– Andrew Ford
Life is a series of experiences, each of which makes us bigger, even though it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and griefs which we endure help us in our marching onward.
– Henry Ford
Whether you think that you can, or that you can’t, you are usually right.
– Henry Ford (1863-1947)
I want to keep fighting because it is the only thing that keeps me out of the hamburger joints. If I don’t fight, I’ll eat this planet.
– George Foreman, 1990, Quoted in London Times
I hate the idea of causes, and if I had to choose between betraying my country and betraying my friend, I hope I should have the guts to betray my country.
– E.M. Forster
The primary purpose of the Data statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable Pi can be given that value with a Data statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.
– Fortran manual for Xerox Computers
A wise man knows everything; a shrewd one everybody.
– Fortune Cookie
I would rather live in a world where my life is surrounded by mystery than live in a world so small that my mind could comprehend it.
– Harry Emerson Fosdick
Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat.
– Harry Emerson Fosdick
I knew words were like chains, they held me back… the act of description taints the description.
– John Fowles
I wish I had a dime for every time I’ve been called ‘diminutive.’ I’m not – I’m just damn short.
– Michael J. Fox, actor.
If a million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
– Anatole France
The law in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
– Anatole France
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
– St. Francis of Assisi
The deeds you do today may be the only sermon some people will hear today.
– St. Francis of Assisi
Jealousy comes from self-love rather than from true love.
– Francois, Duc de La Rouchefoucald
People would never fall in love if they had not heard love talked about.
– Francois, Duc de La Rouchefoucald
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
– Benjamin Franklin.
Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none.
– Benjamin Franklin
Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.
– Benjamin Franklin
Remember that time is money.
– Benjamin Franklin
Sloth, like rust, consumes faster than labor wears, while the key often used is always bright.
– Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
There never was a good war, or a bad peace.
– Benjamin Franklin
They that give up an essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
– Benjamin Franklin (1759)
To lengthen thy life, lessen thy meals.
– Benjamin Franklin, 1706-1790.
We must hang together, gentlemen … else, we shall most assuredly hang separately.
– Benjamin Franklin, 1776
Whoever would overthrow the liberty of a nation must begin by subduing the freeness of speech.
– Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790), written when he was 16.
It is disgusting to note the increase in the quantity of coffee used by my subjects and the amount of money that goes out of the country in consequence. Everybody is using coffee. If possible, this must be prevented. My people must drink beer.
– Frederick the Great
Washing one’s hands of the conflict between the powerful and the powerless means to side with the powerful, not to be neutral.
– Paulo Freire
Love makes the time pass. Time makes love pass.
– French Proverb
Why kill time when one can employ it.
– French proverb
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
– Sigmund Freud
The liberty of the individual is no gift of civilization. It was greater before there was any civilization.
– Sigmund Freud
What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult.
– Sigmund Freud
Nothing is so permanent as a temporary government program.
– Milton Friedman
Only with a true friend’s input can we hope to see our world clearly, for our own perception always seems the truth.
– Dr. Richard Fritz
A jury is twelve persons who are to decide which party has the better lawyer.
– Robert Frost
What do you want me to do? Say it again in worse English?
– Robert Frost, when asked about the meaning of one of his poems.
Enquire not what boils in another’s pot.
– Thomas Fuller
I’m a great housekeeper. I get divorced. I keep the house.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
Getting divorced just because you don’t love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
Before I speak, I am master of the words; After, the word is master of me.
– Ibn Gabriol
Justice? You get justice in the next world, in this world you have the law.
– William Gaddis, writer
Under Capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.
– J.K. Galbraith
The conventional view serves to protect us from the painful job of thinking.
– John Kenneth Galbraith
Nothing is so admirable in politics as a short memory.
– John Kenneth Galbraith
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use.
– Galileo Galilei
To command the professors of astronomy to confute their own observations is to enjoin an impossibility, for it is to command them not to see what they do see, and not to understand what they do understand, and to find what they do not discover.
– Galileo Galilei (1564-1642),_The Authority of Scripture in Philosophical Controversies_, condemned by the Inquisition.
It’s a well known fact that computing devices such as the abacus were invented thousands of years ago. But it’s not well known that the first use of a common computer protocol occurred in the Old Testament. This, of course, was when Moses aborted the Egyptians’ process with a control-sea…
– Tom Galloway
Be the change you want to see in the world.
– Gandhi
I think it would be a good idea.
– Mahatma Gandhi, when asked what he thought of Western civilization
In matters of conscience, the law of majority has no place.
– Mohandas K. Gandhi
The golden rule of conduct … is mutual toleration, seeing that we will never all think alike and we shall always see Truth in fragment and from different points of vision.
– Mohandas K. Gandhi
The good man is the friend of all living things.
– Mahatma Gandhi
The only tyrant I accept in this world is the still voice within.
– Mahatma Gandhi
I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.
– Mahatma Gandhi
640K ought to be enough for anybody.
– Bill Gates, 1981
In order to become the master, the politician poses as the servant.
– Charles de Gaulle
How can you govern a country which has 246 varieties of cheese?
– Charles de Gaulle
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
– Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970)
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
– Jules de Gaultier
Death is life’s way of telling you you’ve been fired.
– R. Geis
If you understand, things are as they are. If you do not understand, things are as they are.
– Gensha, Zen Master
Reason can answer questions, but imagination has to ask them.
– Ralph Gerard
If you owe the bank $100, that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.
– John Paul Getty
The wind and the waves are always on the side of the ablest navigators.
– Edward Gibbon
Don’t you just hate rhetorical questions?
– Charlie Gibbs
A root is a flower that disdains fame.
– Kahlil Gibran (4/10/1883-1931)
Are you a politician asking what your country can do for you or a Zealous one asking what you can do for your country.
-Kahlil Gibran, 1883-1931 [The New Frontier]
I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers.
– Kahlil Gibran
Said a hunted fox followed by twenty horsemen and a pack of twenty hounds, ‘Of course they will kill me. But how poor and how stupid they must be. Surely it would not be worth while for twenty foxes riding on twenty asses and accompanied by twenty wolves to chase and kill one man.’
-Kahlil Gibran (1883-1931) [Sand and Foam]
I mean, it’s a great story. It’s got some great things in it. I mean, there’s something like eight violent deaths in it.
– Mel Gibson promoting the Shakespearean tragedy Hamlet in a special video to be shown to public school students.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
– Andre Gide
It is better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for what you are not.
– Andre Gide
The “Defense of Marriage Act” before Congress was co-sponsored by the divorced Bob Dole and the divorced House Speaker Newt Gingrich. The bill, if it passes, has been promised to be signed by the renowned skirt-chaser President Bill Clinton. These men tell us that they support the bill because committed, monogamous same-sex unions are an affront to the sacred institution of heterosexual marriage. Am I the only one a bit confused here?
– James G. Gilbert, Boston in a Letter to the Editor (Globe?)
If combat means living in a ditch, females have biological problems staying in a ditch for thirty days because they get infections and they don’t have upper body strength. I mean, some do, but they’re relatively rare. On the other hand, men are basically little piglets, you drop them in the ditch, they roll around in it, doesn’t matter, you know. These things are very real. On the other hand, if combat means being on an Aegis-class cruiser managing the computer controls for twelve ships and their rockets, a female may be again dramatically better than a male who gets very, very frustrated sitting in a chair all the time because males are biologically driven to go out and hunt giraffes.
– Newt Gingrich, Adjunct Professor, Reinhardt College, January 7, 1995, ‘Renewing American Civilization’
Only the mediocre are always at their best.
– Jean Giraudoux (1882 – 1944)
Whose undertakings are all devoid of desires and purpose, and whose actions have been burnt by fire-of-knowledge, him the wise call a sage.
– Gita, Chapter 4, Verse 19.
You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it.
– Arnold H. Glasow
You will be pleased to know I stand obediently for the national anthem, though of course I would defend your right to remain seated should you so decide.
– Ira Glasser, head of the ACLU, conversation with conservative William F. Buckley, 1994
There are only two places where time takes precedent over the job to be done; school and prison.
– William Glasser
Celibacy is not hereditary.
– Guy Goden
The First Amendment was designed to protect offensive speech, because nobody ever tries to ban the other kind.
– Mike Godwin, staff counsel, EFF
God Himself has no right to be a tyrant.
– William Godwin (English minister, reformer, philosopher, “Sketches in History” 1784
Naturally the common people don’t want war… but after all it is the leaders of a country who determine policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along … All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger.
– Hermann Goering
Daring ideas are like chessmen moved forward; they may be beaten, but they may start a winning game.
– Goethe (1749-1832)
It is not enough to have knowledge, one must also apply it. It is not enough to have wishes, one must also accomplish.
– Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe (1749-1832)
Let everyone sweep in front of his own door, and the whole world will be clean.
– Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe (1749-1832)
Nature understands no jesting. She is always true, always serious, always severe. She is always right, and the errors are always those of man.
– Goethe
The Happy do not believe in miracles.
– Goethe
To rule is easy, to govern difficult.
– Goethe
What government is the best? That which teaches us to govern ourselves.
– Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
Whatever necessity lays upon thee, endure; whatever she commands, do.
– Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe (1749-1832)
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.
– Goethe
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
– Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
The dogmatist within is always worse than the enemy without.
– S.J. Gould
Diplomacy is to do and say the nastiest thing in the nicest way.
– Isaac Goldberg
There is nothing so absurd or ridiculous that has not at some time been said by some philosopher.
– Oliver Goldsmith
Don’t hoo, hoo, hoo me. There’s a fine line between hoo, hoo, hoo and hiel, hiel, hiel.
– Bobcat Goldthwait, during a Comic Relief performance.
A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away.
– Barry Goldwater
A hospital is no place to be sick.
– Samuel Goldwyn
A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper its printed on.
– Samuel Goldwyn
I paid too much for it, but it’s worth it.
– Samuel Goldwyn
I never put on a pair of shoes until I’ve worn them at least five years.
– Samuel Goldwyn
If I could drop dead right now, I’d be the happiest man alive.
– Samuel Goldwyn
Gentlemen, for your information, I have a question to ask you.
– Samuel Goldwyn
Gentleman, include me out.
– Samuel Goldwyn
While modern technology has given people powerful new communication tools, it apparently can do nothing to alter the fact that many people have nothing useful to say.
– Lee Gomes, San Jose Mercury News
The worst crime against working people is a company which fails to operate at a profit.
– Samuel Gompers (1908)
The market is not an invention of capitalism. It has existed for centuries. It is an invention of civilization.
– Mikhail Gorbachev
Crossposting isn’t inherently evil, in the same sense that necrophilia doesn’t really hurt anybody. One wonders only whether it’s appropriate to the occasion.
– Rick Gordon
The trouble with my wife is that she is a whore in the kitchen and a cook in the bed.
– Geoffrey Gorer
When a man’s knowledge is deep, he speaks well of an enemy. Instead of seeking revenge, he extends unexpected generosity. He turns insult into humor, … and astonishes his adversary who finds no reason not to trust him.
– Baltasar Gracian
There’s no money in poetry, but there’s no poetry in money, either.
– Robert Ranke Graves
The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of legs.
– E. Grebenik
A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in.
– Greek Proverb
Good. Tell him he’s Wayne Gretzky.
– Ted Green, Edmonton Oilers coach, when told that center Shaun Van Allen had suffered a concussion and didn’t know who he was
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
– Chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower (1887-1956)
Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun.
– Matt Groening
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
– Matt Groening
Masturbation is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s nothing to be particularly proud of, either.
– Matt Groening, ‘Basic Sex Facts For Today’s Youngfolk’
When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.
– Matt Groening, ‘Basic Sex Facts For Today’s Youngfolk’
Come, come! Be more sensuous, less cerebral! Dance with the novel! Why be so interested in the skeleton if it’s got a body?
– Witold Gombrowicz, when asked to explain the meaning of his novel ‘Ferdydurke’
I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.
– Lewis Grizzard
Comparing information to knowledge is like asking whether the fatness of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule.
– David Guaspari
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
– Ernesto Che Guevara (1928-1967)
A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands.
– Sacha Guitry
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
– Sacha Guitry
An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren’t.
– Sacha Guitry
You can pretend to be serious; you can’t pretend to be witty.
– Sacha Guitry (1885-1957)
It’s not to control, but to protect the citizens of Singapore. In our society, you can state your views, but they have to be correct.”
– Ernie Hai, coordinator of the Singapore Government Internet Project, explains his government’s policy on (lack of) internet access
We do not inherit this land from our ancestors; we borrow it from our children.
– Haida Indian saying
I’m not sure, but he seems to be inordinately fond of beetles.
– J.B.S. Haldane, when asked what has the study of biology had taught him about the Creator
You can drop a mouse down a thousand-yard mine shaft and, on arriving at the bottom, it gets a slight shock and walks away. A rat would probably be killed, though it can fall safely from the eleventh story of a building, a man is broken, a horse splashes.
– J.B.S. Haldane, ‘On Being the Right Size’
We are getting into semantics again. If we use words, there is a very grave danger they will be misinterpreted.
– H.R. Haldeman
All problems, personal, national, or combat, become smaller if you don’t dodge them, but confront them. Touch a thistle timidly, and it pricks you; grasp it boldly, and its spines crumble. Carry the battle to the enemy! Lay your ship alongside his!
– William F. (Bull) Halsey (1882-1959)
A book of quotations . . . can never be complete.
– Robert M. Hamilton
Constant attention by a good nurse may be just as important as a major operation by a surgeon.
– Dag Hammerskjöld, 1905-1961
It is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual than to labor diligently for the salvation of the masses.
– Dag Hammarsskjold
Never ‘for the sake of peace and quiet’ deny your own experience or convictions.
– Dag Hammarskjold
Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs.
– Christopher Hampton
The word ‘politics’ is derived from the word ‘poly’ meaning ‘many’, and the word ‘ticks’ meaning ‘blood sucking parasites’.
– Larry Hardiman
It is not worth an intelligent man’s time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that.
– G. H. Hardy
The past is a foreign country – they do things differently there.
– L.P. Harley
The real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that men will begin to think like computers.
– Sydney Harris
I believe and I say it is true Democratic feeling, that all the measures of the Government are directed to the purpose of making the rich richer and the poor poorer.
– William Henry Harrison
One thing they don’t tell you about doing experimental physics is that sometimes you must work under adverse conditions … like a state of sheer terror.
– W. K. Hartmann
It is of the essence of the demand for equality before the law that people should be treated alike in spite of the fact that they are different.
– Friedrich Hayek
The more the state plans the more difficult planning becomes for the individual.
– Friedrich Hayek
An old friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a dead body.
– Jim Hayes, Los Angeles Times, June 9, 1994, pt.E, p.2
Those who can command themselves, command others.
– William Hazlitt
There is nothing permanent, except change.
– Heraclitus
No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.
– Heraclitas
Hey, I’m as much of a nonconformist as the next guy.
– Mike Hess
Statistics always reminds me of the fellow who drowned in a river whose average depth was only three feet.
– Woody Hayes, Ohio State Football Coach
We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex- but Congress can.
– Cullen Hightower
The love of liberty is the love of others. The love of power is the love of ourselves.
– William Hazlitt
It’s incredible how much intelligence is used in this world to prove nonsense.
– Fredrich Hebbel
One lie does not cost you one truth, but the truth.
– Friedrich Hebbel
What experience and history teach is this – that nations and governments have never learned anything from history, or acted upon any lessons they might have drawn from it.
– Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel, “Philosophy and History”
Never judge someone by who he’s in love with; judge him by his friends. People fall in love with the most appalling people. Take a cool, appraising glance at his pals.
– Cynthia Heimel
A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, and die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.
– Robert A. Heinlein, The Notebooks of Lazarus Long
An armed society is a polite society.
– Robert Heinlein
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.
– Robert A. Heinlein
Never try to explain computers to a layman. It’s easier to explain sex to a virgin.
– Robert Heinlein
Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it’s supposed to do.
– R.A. Heinlein
Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.
– Robert Heinlein
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
– Robert Heinlein
Those who cling to the untrue doctrine that violence never settles anything would be advised to conjure up the ghosts of Napoleon Bonaparte and of the Duke of Wellington and let them debate it. The ghost of Hitler could referee, and the jury might well be the Dodo, the Great Auk, and the Passenger Pigeon. Violence, naked force, has settled more issues in history than has any other factor, and the contrary opinion is wishful thinking at its worst. Nations and peoples who forget this basic truth have always paid for it with their lives and freedoms.
– R.A. Heinlein
Violence, naked force has settled more issues in history than has any other factor, and the contrary opinion is wishful thinking at its worse. Breeds that forget this basic truth have always paid for it with their lives and their freedom.
– Robert A. Heinlein (1907-1988)
Waiting is.
– R.A. Heinlein, ‘Stranger in a Strange Land’
We don’t pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes.
– Leona Helmsley, quoted in the NY Times, July 22, 1989
Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.
– Ernest Hemingway
Never mistake motion for action.
– Ernest Hemingway (1889-1961)
Guard with jealous attention the public liberty. Suspect everyone who approaches that jewel. Unfortunately, nothing will preserve it but downright force. Whenever you give up that force, you are inevitably ruined.
– Patrick Henry
Is life so dear or peace so sweet as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me liberty, or give me death!
– Patrick Henry
If you are given a choice between money and sex appeal, take the money. As you get older, the money will become your sex appeal.
– Katherine Hepburn, 87-year-old actress.
One cannot step twice into the same river.
– Heraclitus
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
– Oliver Herford (1863-1935)
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
– Reverend Theodore Hesburgh
Opinions are like assholes – everyone’s got one, but nobody wants to look at the other guy’s.
– Hal Hickman
It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves.
– Sir Edmund Hillary
The best political weapon is the weapon of terror. Cruelty commands respect. Men may hate us. But, we don’t ask for their love; only for their fear.
– Heinrich Himmler
The paperback is very interesting, but I find it will never replace the hardcover book; it makes a very poor doorstop.
– Alfred Hitchcock
We seem to have a compulsion these days to bury time capsules in order to give those people living in the next century or so some idea of what we are like. I have prepared one of my own. I have placed some rather large samples of dynamite, gunpowder, and nitroglycerin. My time capsule is set to go off in the year 3000. It will show them what we are really like.
– Alfred Hitchcock
Who remembers the Armenians? The world did nothing then. It will do nothing now.
– Adolf Hitler, when advised that his genocidal policies might cause negative world reaction
It is thus necessary that the individual should finally come to realize that his own ego is of no importance in comparison with the existence of his nation; that the position of the individual ego is conditioned solely by the interests of the nation as a whole…that above all the unity of a nation’s spirit and will are worth far more than the freedom of the spirit and will of an individual… This state of mind, which subordinates the interests of the ego to the conservation of the community, is really the first premise for every truly human culture…The basic attitude from which such activity arises, we call – to distinguish it from egoism and selfishness – idealism. By this we understand only the individual’s capacity to make sacrifices for the community, for his fellow men.
– Adolf Hitler at Buckeburg, Oct 7, 1933
The size of the lie is a definite factor in causing it to be believed, for the vast masses of a nation are in the depths of their hearts more easily deceived then they are consciously & intentionally bad. The primitive simplicity of their minds renders them more easily prey to a big lie then a small one, for they themselves often tell little lies but would be ashamed to tell a big one.
– Adolf Hitler, Mein Kampf, 1923
What luck for rulers that men do not think.
– Adolf Hitler
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
– Frank Herbert, ‘Dune’
Knowledge is power.
– Thomas Hobbes
It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in a nodding position.
– John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job.
It is easier to love humanity as a whole than to love one’s neighbor.
– Eric Hoffer
Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
– Eric Hoffer
The basic test of freedom is perhaps less in what we are free to do than in what we are free not to do.
– Eric Hoffer
We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.
– Eric Hoffer
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
– Abbie Hoffman
Understand that legal and illegal are political, and often arbitrary, categorizations; use and abuse are medical, or clinical, distinctions.
– Abbie Hoffman
Hell is paved with good samaritans.
– William M. Holden
It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.
– John Andrew Holmes
A mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimension.
– Oliver Wendell Holmes
Taxes are what we pay for civilized society.
– Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr., Compania General de Tabacos de Filipinas v. Collector of Internal Revenue, 1927.
Hateful to me as are the gates of hell, is he who, hiding one thing in his heart, Utters another.
– Homer (c. 700 B.C.)
To obtain a man’s opinion of you, make him mad.
– Oliver Wendell Holmes
Self-discipline is when your conscience tells you to do something and you don’t talk back.
– W.K. Hope
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
– Grace Hopper
Justice is incidental to law and order.
– J. Edgar Hoover
I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.
– J. Edgar Hoover
Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero! (Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!)
– Horace
There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.
– C.A.R. Hoare
Leisure is the mother of philosophy.
– Thomas Hobbes
Another person’s secret is like another person’s money: you are not as careful with it as you are with your own.
– E.W. Howe
When a friend is in trouble, don’t annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it.
– E.W. Howe
No, but 11 other guys did.
– Gordie Howe, former hockey player, asked if he’d ever broken his nose playing hockey.
When we lose the right to be different, we lose the privilege to be free.
– Charles Evans Hughes (1862-1948), US Supreme Court Chief Justice, June 17, 1925
One is not idle because one is absorbed. There is both visible and invisible labor. To contemplate is to toil. To think is to do.
– Victor Hugo
There is one thing stronger than all the armies of the world, and that is an idea whose time has come.
– Victor Hugo
When dictatorship is a fact, revolution becomes a right.
– Victor Hugo
It is seldom that any liberty is lost all at once.
– David Hume
Man is an intelligence in servitude to his organs.
– Aldous Huxley
The great tragedy of science – the slaying of a beautiful hypothesis by an ugly fact.
– Thomas H. Huxley
It is the customary fate of new truths to begin as heresies and to end as superstitions.
– Thomas Henry Huxley
The foolish reject what they see, not what they think; the wise reject what they think, not what they see.
– Huang Po
God will not look you over for medals, degrees or diplomas but for scars.
– Elbert Hubbard
Live truth instead of professing it.
– Elbert Hubbard
Never explain – your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway.
– Elbert Hubbard
The idea that is not dangerous is not worthy of being called an idea at all.
– Elbert Hubbard
The woman who cannot tell a lie in defense of her husband is unworthy of the name of wife.
– Elbert Hubbard
To escape criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
– Elbert Hubbard
Death: To stop sinning suddenly.
– Ellen Hubbard
Writing science fiction for about a penny a word is no way to make a living, If you really want to make a million, the quickest way is to start your own religion.
– L. Ron Hubbard
The right of the citizens to bear arms is just one more guarantee against arbitrary government, one more safeguard against a tyranny which now appears remote in America, but which historically has proved to be always possible.
– Senator Hubert Humphrey
When we lose the right to be different, we lose the privilege to be free.
– Charles Evans Hughes (1862-1948), US Supreme Court Chief Justice, Opinion, June 17, 1925
The right to be heard does not include the right to be taken seriously.
– Hubert Humphrey
The impersonal hand of government can never replace the helping hand of a neighbor.
– Hubert H Humphrey
Claudius Aelianus, a gossiping bachelor writer, whose ‘Variae Historea’ are filled with anecdotes, relates that Socrates in his wisdom, in order to check some symptoms of a swelled head in Alcibiades regarding what he boastfully considered his large estates, brought him to a place where a map of the world was exhibited and rather witheringly asked him to point out on it where his estates where situated.
– A.L. Humphreys, ‘Antique Maps and Charts’
The death of democracy is not likely to be an assassination from ambush. It will be a slow extinction from apathy, indifference, and undernourishment.
– Robert Maynard Hutchins (1899-1977)
Children are remarkable for their intelligence and ardour, for their curiosity, their intolerance of shams, the clarity and ruthlessness of their vision.
– Aldous Huxley
Experience is not what happens to a man; it is what a man does with what happens to him.
– Aldous Huxley
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
– Aldous Huxley
Most ignorance is vincible ignorance: we don’t know because we don’t want to know.
– Aldous Huxley
That men do not learn very much from the lessons of history is the most important of all the lessons of history.
– Aldous Huxley (1894-1963), Collected Essays
Every great advance in natural knowledge has involved the absolute rejection of authority.
– Thomas Huxley
Time, whose tooth gnaws away everything else, is powerless against truth.
– Thomas Huxley (1825-1895)
When the way comes to an end, then change – having changed, you pass through.
– I Ching
All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can’t get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a hammer.
– IBM maintenance manual, 1925
Physics is not difficult, it is just weird.
– Vincent Icke ‘The Force of Symmetry’ (1994)
What light is to the eyes – what air is to the lungs – what love is to the heart, liberty is to the soul of man.
– R G Ingersoll (1833-1899)
No man with any sense of humor, ever founded a religion.
– Robert G. Ingersoll
God likes help when helping people.
– Irish Proverb
You will find it a distinct help … if you know and look as if you know what you are doing.
– IRS training manual for tax auditors
Great minds have purposes, others have wishes.
– Washington Irving
Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination.
– Christopher Isherwood
He who is not impatient is not in love.
– Italian Proverb
The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying bastards.
– Alexander Jablokov, ‘The Place of no Shadows’
It is a damn poor mind indeed which can’t think of at least two ways to spell any word.
– Andrew Jackson, 1833
One man with courage makes a majority.
– Andrew Jackson
Great ideas need landing gear as well as wings.
– C.D. Jackson
Man is a dog’s idea of what God should be.
– Holbrook Jackson
Act like you’ve been there before.
– Steve Jacobson, of Newsday, quoting Paul Brown, the famous football coach, on advice to his players who reached the end zone
If hard work is so good for you, how come the rich don’t keep it all for themselves?
– Jamaican saying
Healthy mindedness is inadequate as a philosophical doctrine, because the evil facts which it refuses postively to account for are a genuine portion of reality; and they may after all be the best key to life’s significance..
– William James
The greatest use of a life is to spend it on something that will outlast it.
– William James
The man whose acquisitions stick is the man who is always achieving and advancing whilst his neighbors, spending most of their time in relearning what they once knew but have forgotten, simply hold their own.”
– William James
Deceive the rich and powerful if you will, but don’t insult them.
– Japanese Proverb
He who travels for love finds a thousand miles not longer than one.
– Japanese Proverb
Minds are like parachutes: They only work when open, and both are useless if they only open on impact.
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The jury has the right to judge both the law as well as the fact in controversy.
– John Jay, First U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice, writing in Georgia vs. Brailsford, 1794
A Bill of Rights is what the people are entitled to against every government on Earth… and what no just government should refuse.
– Thomas Jefferson, Letter to James Madison, Paris, Dec. 20, 1787
A society that will trade a little liberty for a little order will lose both, and deserve neither.
– Thomas Jefferson
But a short time elapsed after the death of the great reformer of the Jewish religion, before his principles were departed from by those who professed to be his special servants, and perverted into an engine for enslaving mankind, and aggrandizing t heir oppressors in Church and State.
– Thomas Jefferson, [letter?] To S. Kercheval, 1810
Freedom is meaningless unless you can give to those with whom you disagree.
– Thomas Jefferson
I cannot live without books.
– Thomas Jefferson
I consider trial by jury as the only anchor yet devised by man, by which a government can be held to the principles of its constitution.
– Thomas Jefferson
I have recently been examining all the known superstitions of the world, and do not find in our particular superstition (Christianity) one redeeming feature. They are all alike founded on fables and mythology.
– Thomas Jefferson
I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing…
– Thomas Jefferson
I know of no safe depository of the ultimate powers of society but the people themselves; and if we think them not enlightened enough to exercise their control with wholesome discretion, the remedy is not to take it from them, but to inform their discretion by education.
– Thomas Jefferson, letter to William Charles Jarvis, 1820
I never submitted the whole system of my opinions to the creed of any party of men whatever, in religion, in philosophy, in politics or in anything else, where I was capable of thinking for myself. Such an addiction is the last degradation of a free and moral agent. If I could not go to Heaven but with a party, I would not go there at all.
– Thomas Jefferson, Letter To Francis Hopkinson, Paris Mar. 13, 1789
I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just.
– Thomas Jefferson
If a Nation expects to be ignorant and free in a state of civilization, it expects what never was and never will be … If we are to gaurd against ignorance and remain free, it is the responsibility of every American to be informed.
– Thomas Jefferson
I’m a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it.
– Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)
In matters of principle, stand like a rock; in matters of taste, swim with the current.
– Thomas Jefferson
Information is the currency of democracy.
– Thomas Jefferson
It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no god. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.
– Thomas Jefferson
It is neither wealth nor splendor, but tranquility and occupation, which give happiness.
– Thomas Jefferson
Most bad government has grown out of too much government.
– Thomas Jefferson
No free man shall ever be de-barred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain their right to keep and bear arms is as a last resort to protect themselves against tyranny in government.
– Thomas Jefferson
Not less than two hours a day should be devoted to exercise.
– Thomas Jefferson, 1743-1826
Our liberty depends on freedom of the press, and that cannot be limited without being lost.
– Thomas Jefferson
Question with boldness even the existence of God; because, if there is one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear.
– Thomas Jefferson
Shake off all the fears of servile prejudices, under which weak minds are servilely crouched. Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call on her tribunal for every fact, every opinion. Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear.
– Thomas Jefferson, Letter to Peter Carr, Aug. 10, 1787
Still one more thing, fellow citizens: a wise and frugal government, which shall refrain men from injuring one another, which shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned. This is the sum of good government.
– Thomas Jefferson
The firmness with which the people have withstood the late abuses of the press, the discernment they have manifested between truth and falsehood, show that they may be safely trusted to hear everything true and false, and to form a correct judgment between them.
– Thomas Jefferson, letter to Judge John Tyler, Jun. 28, 1804
The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one will do.
– Thomas Jefferson
The natural progress of things is for liberty to yield and government to gain ground.
– Thomas Jefferson
The spirit of resistance to government is so valuable on certain occasions that I wish it to be always kept alive.
– Thomas Jefferson, Letter to Abigail Adams, Paris, Feb. 22, 1787
The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government.
– Thomas Jefferson
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. It is it’s natural manure.
– Thomas Jefferson, Letter to William S. Smith, Paris, Nov. 13, 1787
Were it left to me to decide whether we should have a government without newspapers or newspapers without a government, I should not hesitate to prefer the latter.
– Thomas Jefferson
What country can preserve its liberties, if its rulers are not warned from time to time, that this people preserve the spirit of resistance?
– Thomas Jefferson, Nov. 13, 1787
…When all governments … in little as in the great thing, shall be drawn to Washington as the center of all power, it will render powerless the checks provided of one government on another and will become as venal and oppressive as the government from which we separated.
– Thomas Jefferson
It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.
– Jerome K. Jerome
If God lived on earth, people would break his windows.
– Jewish proverb
So we went to Atari and said, ‘Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we’ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we’ll come work for you.’ And they said, ‘No.’ So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, ‘Hey, we don’t need you. You haven’t got through college yet.’
– Steve Jobs (Apple Computer Inc. founder) on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak’s personal computer
You cannot mandate productivity, you must provide the tools to let people become their best.
– Steve Jobs
No matter how complicated you think it is, it’s still more complicated.
– Joel
People must not attempt to impose their own ‘truth’ on others. The right to profess the truth must always be upheld, but not in a way that involves contempt for those who may think differently. Truth imposes itself solely by the force of its own truth.
– John Paul II, 1-1-91
Science can purify religion from error and superstition. Religion can purify science from idolatry and false absolutes.
– John Paul II, Pope (Karol Wojtyla) (1920-)
If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: PRESIDENT CAN’T SWIM.
– Lyndon B. Johnson
You do not examine legislation in the light of the benefits it will convey if properly administered, but in the light of the wrongs it would do and the harms it would cause if improperly administered.
– Lyndon Johnson
It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust.
– Samuel Johnson
Knowledge is of two kinds. We know a subject ourselves, or we know where we can find information on it.
– Samuel Johnson
The Irish are a fair people; they never speak well of one another.
– Samuel Johnson, in James Boswell, ‘The Life of Samuel Johnson’
People in distress never think you feel enough.
– Dr. Samuel Johnson, 1709-1784
We are inclined to believe those whom we do not know, because they have never deceived us.
– Samuel Johnson (1709-84)
When a man says he had pleasure with a woman he does not mean conversation.
– Samuel Johnson
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
– Wendell Johnson
An apology is the superglue of life: it can repair just about anything.
– Lynn Johnston
Originality is the art of concealing your source.
– Franklin Jones
The most efficient labor-saving device is still money.
– Franklin P. Jones
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
– Franklin P. Jones
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
– Thomas Jones
Advice is what people ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.
– Erica Jong
He that is taught only by himself has a fool for a master.
– Ben Jonson
I knew that I would be going places, and I just wanted to know where I was when I got there.
– Michael Jordan, Chicago Bulls center, answer when he was asked why he majored in geography at the University of North Carolina
It is easy to understand God as long as you don’t try to explain him.
– Joseph Joubert
Mistakes are the portals of discovery.
– James Joyce
Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
– Carl Jung
Religion is a defense against the experience of God.
– Carl Jung
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
– C.G. Jung (1875-1961)
The integrity of men is to be measured by their conduct, not by their professions.
– Junius (1740-1818)
A book should serve as an axe to the ice inside us.
– Franz Kafka
Every revolution evaporates and leaves behind only the slime of a new bureaucracy.
– Franz Kafka
For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three.
– Alice Kahn
The greatest happiness is to scatter your enemy, to drive him before you, to see his cities reduced to ashes, to see those who love him shrouded in tears, and to gather into your bosom his wives and daughters.
– Genghis Kahn
When I was young, all I wanted was to be ruler of the universe. Now that isn’t enough.
– Alex P. Keaton
Many persons have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.
– Helen Keller.
Science may have found a cure for most evils; but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all – the apathy of human beings.
– Helen Keller
Security is mostly superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoidance of danger is not safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.
– Helen Keller, 1902
We, the people, are not free. Our democracy is but a name. We vote? What does that mean? We choose between Tweedledum and Tweedledee.
– Helen Keller
Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.
– Mary Ellen Kelly
Never be entirely idle; but either be reading, or writing, or praying, or meditating, or endeavoring something for the public good.
– Tomas Kempis
It’s hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head.
– Sally Kempton
People who take issue with control of population do not understand that if it is not done in a graceful way, nature will do it in a brutal fashion.
– H. Kendall
Forgive your enemies, but remember their names.
– John F. Kennedy
Man must put an end to war, or war will put an end to man.
– John F. Kennedy
Somebody once said that Washington was a city of Northern charm and Southern efficiency.
– John F. Kennedy, remarks to the trustees of the national cultural center (now The Kennedy Center), November 14, 1961, _Public Papers of the Presidents of the United States: John F. Kennedy, 1961_, p. 719
The great French Marshall Lyautey once asked his gardener to plant a tree. The gardener objected that the tree was slow growing and would not reach maturity for 100 years. The Marshall replied, In that case, there is no time to lose; plant it this very afternoon.
– John F. Kennedy
The problems of the world cannot possibly be solved by skeptics or cynics whose horizons are limited by the obvious realities. We need men who can dream of things that never were.
– John F. Kennedy
Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
– John F. Kennedy (1917-1963), speech, 1962
When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man’s concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses, for art establishes the basic human truths which must serve as the touchstone of our judgement.
– John F. Kennedy
When we got into the office the thing that surprised me the most was that things were as bad as we’d been saying.
– John F. Kennedy
Time’s fun when you’re having flies.
– Kermit the Frog
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
– Brian W. Kernighan
A problem well stated is a problem half solved.
– Charles Kettering
What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind.
– Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone.
– John Maynard Keynes
If a fly gets into the throat of one who is fasting, it is not necessary to pull it out.
– Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini
Politicians are the same the world over: they promise to build a bridge even when there is no river.
– Nikita Khrushchev
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
– Kierkegaard
Life has its own hidden forces which you can only discover by living.
– Soren Kierkegaard
Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.
– Soren Kierkegaard
What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to understand what a misfortune it is.
– Soren Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
How could they possibly be Japanese planes?
– Admiral Husband E. Kimmel
America is like a melting pot. The people at the bottom get burned, and the scum floats to the top.
– Charlie King
In general the apes have fine, straight, and profuse hair. Among humans, these characters are most closely approximated in the Caucasians. Among blacks the hair is coiled and on the body it is sparse; among Mongolians it is coarse, straight, and sparse. Apes have thin lips, another character most closely approached among the Caucasians. In man the spine is curved inward in the small of the back; in the ape it is not. In man this character is most pronounced and least apelike in African blacks.
– James C. King
Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
– Martin Luther King
Only enemies speak the truth; friends and lovers lie endlessly, caught in the web of duty.
– Stephen King
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.
– Steven King, 3/8/90
We’re all going to die; I’m just trying to make it a little more interesting.
– Steven King
Ask not what your government can do for you, ask what it is doing to you.
– Jerome Kingsbury
The only unnatural sexual act is the one that which you cannot perform.
– Dr. Alfred Charles Kinsey
Nobody will ever win the Battle of the Sexes. There’s just too much fraternizing with the enemy.
– Henry Kissinger
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
– Henry Kissinger
Hompu’wIj ghorlaH ‘oy’naQpu’ je naghpu’ ‘ach jiH mu’oy’laHbe’ pongpu’
– Klingon phrase: roughly translated as ‘sticks and stones may break my bones, but names can never hurt me.’
The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language.
– D. E. Knuth
If you think you’re too small to have an impact, try going to bed with a mosquito in the room.
– Anita Koddick
Our society finds truth too strong a medicine to digest undiluted. In its purest form, truth is not a polite tap on the shoulder. It is a howling reproach.
– Ted Koppel
Television: A medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
– Ernie Kovacs
The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so that they believe they are as clever as he.
– Karl Kraus
A plus sign is redundant, but some people occasionally like extra redundancy once in a while.
– Donald Knuth
Pope John Paul would be more popular if he called himself Pope John Paul George and Ringo.
– Paul Krassner
The trouble with us in America isn’t that the poetry of life has turned into prose, but that it has turned into advertising copy.
– Louis Kronenberger
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
– Kulawiec
What can you say about a society that says God is dead and Elvis is alive?
– Irv Kupcinet
If you give a man a fish, he will have a single meal. If you teach him how to fish, he will eat all his life.
– Kwan-Tzu
If the liberties of the American people are ever destroyed, they will fall by the hands of the clergy.
– Lafayette
Humanity has won its battle. Liberty now has a country.
– Marquis de Lafayette, on the birth of the United States
All we know about the new economic world tells us that nations which train engineers will prevail over those which train lawyers. No nation has ever sued its way to greatness.
– Richard Lamm
When smashing monuments, save the pedestals – they always come in handy.
– Stanislaw Lec
A distributed system is one in which the failure of a computer you didn’t even know existed can render your own computer unusable.
– Leslie Lamport, as quoted in CACM, June 1992
Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
– Ann Landers
No one has the right to destroy another person’s belief by demanding empirical evidence.
– Ann Landers, nationally syndicated advice columnist and Director at Handgun Control Inc. ‘Don’t confuse me with the facts.’
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
– Ann Landers
An ancient prophet once said Four things come not back – a spent arrow, a spoken word, a past life, and a wasted opportunity.
– Rose Lane
Some of the world’s greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible.
– Doug Larson
The bear and Carl lived together in the cave for several years until, one day, the true savagery of Nature being unleashed, Carl killed the bear and ate him.
– Gary Larson
Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Do not overdo it.
– Lao-Tzu
How did the great rivers and seas gain dominion over the hundred lesser streams? By being lower than they.
– Lao Tzu
Stop thinking, and end your problems.
– Lao Tzu
The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals. It’s just that they need more supervision.
– Lynn Lavner
There could be no honor in a sure success, but much might be wrested from a sure defeat.
– T.E. Lawrence
A writer is someone for whom writing is much harder than it is for the others.
– Ken Laws
I prefer to read US. PEOPLE is too intellectual.
– Robin Leach
It may be those who dream most do most.
– Stephen Leacock
Most people think, “Life sucks, and then you die.” I disagree. I think, “Life sucks, then you get cancer. Then you go into chemotherapy, you loose all your hair, you feel bad about yourself. Then all of the sudden the cancer goes into remission. You come out, you look good, you feel good, you’re going great…All of the sudden you have a stroke, you can’t move your right side. And one day you step off the curb at 68th by Lincoln Center and *BANG* you get hit by a bus, and then maybe you die.
– Denis Leary
The most interesting time of human life, I think, is when your heart stops, and for between two and 15 minutes, your brain is still running. I think the most interesting part of my life is going to happen in those two to 15 minutes. Because time doesn’t exist then. When the body’s gone and you’ve got 120 billion neurons whirring, it’s like LSD. More can happen in one minute than in a thousand lifetimes.
– Timothy Leary, LSD guru who is dying of cancer.
There are three side effects of acid. Enhanced long term memory, decreased short term memory, and I forget the third.
– Timothy Leary
Life is something to do when you can’t get to sleep.
– Fran Lebowitz
The first condition of immortality is death.
– Stanislaw Lec
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we’d have a much easier time raising money.
– Leon Lederman
Duty then is the sublimest word in the English language. You should do your duty in all things. You can never do more, you should never wish to do less.
– General Robert E. Lee
The education of a man is never completed until he dies.
– Robert E. Lee
I have everything now I had 20 years ago, except now it’s all lower.
– Gypsy Rose Lee (1914-19970)
I’ve never taken drugs, so that’s why I’m probably not a big Doors fan.
– Spike Lee expressing his deep admiration for Jim Morrison and the Doors, in US magazine.
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
– Ursula K. LeGuin
You can’t crush ideas by suppressing them. You can only crush them by ignoring them.
– Ursula K. LeGuin
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
– John Lehman (Secretary of the US Navy 1981-1987)
The Army has carried the American … ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability.
– Tom Lehrer
It’s great to be a Faust, even in a pack of other Fausts.
– Fritz Leiber, ‘The Big Time’
In the end, one or the other will triumph. A funeral dirge will be sung over the Soviet republic or over world capitalism.
– Vladimir I. Lenin, 1920
It is true that liberty is precious – so precious that it must be rationed.
– Vladimir Ilyich Lenin
While the State exists, there is no freedom. When there is freedom, there is no State.
– Vladimir Ilyich Lenin
Life is what happens while you are making other plans.
– John Lennon
Think wrongly if you please, but in all cases think for yourself.
– Doris Lessing
New York … when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.
– David Letterman
You look at some of these races around the country and you think it’s a damn shame somebody has to win.
– David Letterman on ugly campaigns
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.
– Joe E. Lewis, 1902-1971
Christian fundamentalism is the doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe-spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life.
– Andrew Lias
A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents.
– G.C. Lichtenberg
Why is it that there are so many more horses’ asses than there are horses?
– Gordon Liddy
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
– A. J. Liebling (1904-1963)
In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace, and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock.
– Harry Lime to Holly Martins, ‘The Third Man’
As I would not be a slave, so I would not be a master. This expresses my idea of democracy. Anything that differs from this, to the extent that it differs, is no democracy.
– Abraham Lincoln
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
– Abraham Lincoln
For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
– Abraham Lincoln
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg.
– Abraham Lincoln
I believe it is an established maxim in morals that he who makes an assertion without knowing whether it is true or false is guilty of falsehood, and the accidental truth of the assertion does not justify or excuse him.
– Abraham Lincoln
I don’t know who my grandfather was; I am much more concerned to know what his grandson will be.
– Abraham Lincoln
If A. can prove, however conclusively, that he may, of right enslave B, why may not B snatch the same argument, and prove equally, that he may enslave A. You say A is white and B is black. It is color, then; the lighter, having the right to enslave the darker? Take care. By this rule, you are to be slave to the first man you meet with a fairer skin than your own.
You do not mean color exactly? You mean the whites are intellectually the superiors of the blacks and therefore have the right to enslave them? Take care again. By this rule, you are to be slave to the first man you meet with an intellect superior to your own. But, say you, it is a question of interest; and, if you can make it your interest, you have the right to enslave another. Very well. And if he can make it his interest, he has the right to enslave you. – Abraham Lincoln, 1854.
10:54 PM 4/16/98
– Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
If this is coffee, please bring some tea; but it this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
– Abraham Lincoln
It has been my experience that people with no vices have few virtues.
– Abraham Lincoln
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.
– Abraham Lincoln
No man is good enough to govern another man without that other’s consent.
– Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
– Abraham Lincoln
Prohibition will work great injury to the cause of temperance. It is a species of intemperance within itself, for it goes beyond the bounds of reason in that it attempts to control a man’s appetite by legislation, and makes a crime out of things that are not crimes. A Prohibition law strikes a blow at the very principles upon which our government was founded.
– Abraham Lincoln: Speech in the Illinois House of Representatives, Dec 18, 1840.
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
– Abraham Lincoln
The best way to destroy your enemy is to make him your friend.
– Abraham Lincoln
The probability that we may fail in the struggle ought not to deter us from the support of a cause we believe to be just.
– Abraham Lincoln
The things I want to know are in books; my best friend is the man who’ll get me a book I ain’t read.
– Abraham Lincoln
To stand in silence when they should be protesting makes cowards of men.
– Abraham Lincoln
What is conservativism? Is it not the adherence to the old and tried against the new and untried?
– Abraham Lincoln
Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tired on him personally.
– Abraham Lincoln
Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after.
– Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Where all men think alike, no man thinks very much.
– Walter Lippmann
We fear things in proportion to our ignorance of them.
– Titus Livius
It is one thing, to show a man that he is in an error, and another, to put him in possession of truth.
– John Locke
New opinions are always suspected, and usually opposed, without any other reason but because they are not common.
– John Locke, “An Essay Concerning Human Understanding”
We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things themselves.
– John Locke
If it doesn’t matter who wins, then how come they keep score?
– Vince Lombardi
If you aren’t fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.
– Vince Lombardi
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not make messes in the house.
– Lazarus Long, ‘Time Enough for Love’
Yield to temptation, It may not pass your way again.
– Lazarus Long
Taxes are not raised for the benefit of the taxed.
– Lazarus Long
The heights by great men reached and kept were not attained by sudden flight, but they, while their companions slept, were toiling upward in the night.
– Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done.
– Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
– Alice Roosevelt Longworth (1884-1980)
The average person thinks he isn’t.
– Father Larry Lorenzoni
The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown.
– H.P. Lovecraft, ‘Supernatural Horror in Literature’
In creating, the only hard thing’s to begin; A grass-blade’s no easier to make than an oak.
– James Russell Lowell
One thorn of experience is worth a whole wilderness of warning.
– James Russell Lowell
A room without books is as a body without a soul.
– Sir John Lubbock, Lord Avebury (1834-1915)
The gods conceal from men the happiness of death, that they may endure life.
– Lucan (39-65 A.D.)
Censorship, like charity, should begin at home, but unlike charity, it should end there.
– Clare Boothe Luce
Because I am a woman, I must make unusual efforts to succeed. If I fail, no one will say, ‘She doesn’t have what it takes.’ They will say, ‘Women don’t have what it takes.’
– Clare Boothe Luce
Truth is by its very nature intolerant, exclusive, for every truth is the denial of its opposing error.
– Luthhard
If you sat a monkey down in front of a keyboard, the first thing typed would be a UNIX command.
– Bill Lye
The measure of a man’s real character is what he would do if he knew he never would be found out.
– Macaulay
Many politicians lay it down as a self-evident proposition, that no people ought to be free till they are fit to use their freedom. The maxim is worthy of the fool in the old story, who resolved not to go into the water till he had learned to swim.
– Lord Macaulay
Many a man’s tongue broke his nose.
– Seumas MacManus
I was born nude, and I wish to be buried nude.
– Elle MacPherson, 1995
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
– Paul McCartney
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn’t cure.
– Ross MacDonald (1915-1983)
Before all else, be armed.
– Machiavelli (1469-1527)
For there is such a difference between the way men live and the way they ought to live, that anybody who abandons what is for what ought to be will learn something that will ruin rather than preserve him, because anyone who determines to act in all circumstances the part of a good man must come to ruin among so many who are not good.
– Machiavelli, Il principe
Those who become princes through their skill acquire the principality with difficulty, but they hold onto it with ease.
– Machiavelli
It cannot be called ingenuity to kill one’s fellow citizens, to betray friends, to be without faith, without mercy, without religion; by these means one can acquire power but not glory.
– Machiavelli
Francesco Sforza became Duke of Milan from being a private citizen because he was armed; his successors, since they avoided the inconveniences of arms, became private citizens after having been dukes.
– Machiavelli
…nothing is so unhealthy or unstable as the reputation for power that is not based on one’s own power.
– Machiavelli
From this arises the question whether it is better to be loved rather than feared or feared rather than loved. One might perhaps answer that we should wish to be both, but since love and fear can hardly exist together, if we must choose between them, it is far safer to be feared than loved.
– Machiavelli
There is nothing more difficult to take in hand, more perilous to conduct, or more uncertain in its success, than to take the lead in the introduction of a new order to things.
– Niccolo Machiavelli
It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders in those who would gain by the new ones.
– Niccolo Machiavelli
In truth, there never was any remarkable lawgiver amongst any people who did not resort to divine authority, as otherwise his laws would not have been accepted by the people; for there are many good laws, the importance of which is known to be the sagacious lawgiver, but the reasons for which are not sufficiently evident to enable him to persuade others to submit to them; and therefore do wise men, for the purpose of removing this difficulty, resort to divine authority.
– Niccolo Machiavelli
The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.
– Shirley Maclaine
Many a man’s tongue broke his nose.
– Seumas MacManus
The Anglo-Saxon conscience doesn’t keep you from doing anything. It just keeps you from enjoying it.
– Salvador de Madaringa
Public opinion sets bounds to every government, and is the real sovereign in every free one.
– James Madison
Straight men need to be emasculated. I’m sorry. They all need to be slapped around. Women have been kept down for too long. Every straight guy should have a man’s tongue in his mouth at least once.
– Madonna
I think the funniest stuff comes from the heaviest stuff.
– Bill Maher
We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.
– Bill Maher, comedian and commentator, 1995
Love is what we call the situation which occurs when two people who are sexually compatible discover that they can also tolerate one another in various other circumstances.
– Marc Maihueird
Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun.
– Mao Tse-tung
Politics is war without bloodshed while war is politics with bloodshed.
– Mao Tse-tung
Do not the most moving moments of our lives find us all without words?
– Marcel Marceau (3/22/1923-__) French actor, pantomimist
Never get a mime talking. He won’t stop.
– Marcel Marceau (3/22/1923-__)
If you make people think they’re thinking, they’ll love you; but if you really make them think, they’ll hate you.
– Don Marquis
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
– Donald Marquis (1878-1937)
The power to tax involves the power to destroy.
– John Marshall, U.S. Supreme Court, 1819
I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was…an arctic wilderness.
– Steve Martin
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
– Steve Martin
An amateur thinks it’s really funny if you dress a man up as an old lady, put him in a wheelchair, and give the wheelchair a push that sends it spinning down a slope towards a stone wall. For a pro, it’s got to be a real old lady.
– Groucho Marx
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
– Groucho Marx
I cannot say that I do not disagree with you.
– Groucho Marx
I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
– Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.
– Groucho Marx, 1890-1977
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
– Groucho Marx
In America, you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.
– Groucho Marx
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
– Groucho Marx, 1890-1977
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
– Groucho Marx
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
– Groucho Marx
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
– Groucho Marx
Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.
– Groucho Marx, 1890-1977
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.
– Groucho Marx, 1890-1977
‘ .’
– Harpo Marx
The oppressed are allowed once every few years to decide which particular representatives of the oppressing class are to represent and repress them.
– Karl Marx
From each according to his ability, to each according to his need.
– Karl Marx
There is only one way to kill capitalism – by taxes, taxes, and more taxes.
– Karl Marx
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.
– Abraham Maslow
Any landing you can walk away from is a good one!
– Gerald R. Massie, U.S. Army Air Forces photographer. Written in 1944 after the crash-landing of his B-17.
‘Be yourself’ is the worst advice you can give to some people.
– Tom Masson
Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
– W. Somerset Maugham
The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
– W. Somerset Maugham
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
– W. Somerset Maugham
Tradition is a guide and not a jailer.
– W. Somerset Maugham
Conversation would be vastly improved by the constant use of four simple words: I do not know.
– Andre Maurois
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
– Charlie McCarthy
I am … a communist.
– Senator McCarthy, 1951
Leadership is action, not position.
– Donald McGannon
I’m fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
– George McGovern
I’m afraid you have more of a problem than I anticipated. Your battery needs a new car.
– Mechanic to customer
Don’t be so humble, you’re not that great.
– Golda Meir (1898-1978), to a visiting diplomat
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
– H.L. Mencken
A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
– H.L. Mencken
A man is called a good fellow for doing things which, if done by a woman, would land her in a lunatic asylum.
– H.L. Mencken
A professional politician is a professionally dishonorable man. In order to get anywhere near high office he has to make so many compromises and submit to so many humiliations that he becomes indistinguishable from a streetwalker.
– H.L. Mencken
Adultery is the application of democracy to love.
– H.L. Mencken
Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn’t, they would be married too.
– H.L. Mencken
Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard.
– H.L. Mencken
Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under.
– H.L. Mencken
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
– H.L. Mencken
For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.
– H. L. Mencken
Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise and free than Christianity has made them good.
– H.L. Mencken
I believe that it should be perfectly lawful to print even things that outrage the pruderies and prejudices of the general, so long as any honest minority, however small, wants to read them. The remedy of the majority is not prohibition, but avoidance.
– H.L. Mencken, “Baltimore Evening Sun”, March 31, 1924
I believe there is a limit beyond which free speech cannot go, but it’s a limit that’s very seldom mentioned. It’s the point where free speech begins to collide with the right to privacy. I don’t think there are any other conditions to free speech. I’ve got a right to say and believe anything I please, but I haven’t got a right to press it on anybody else. …. Nobody’s got a right to be a nuisance to his neighbors.
– H.L. Mencken
It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
– H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)
It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place.
– H. L. Mencken
Love is the illusion that women differ.
– H.L. Mencken
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
– H. L. Mencken
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution.
– H.L. Mencken
Mathematics contains much that will neither hurt one if one does not know it nor help one if one does know it.
– J.B. Mencken
Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.
– H.L. Mencken
No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
– Henry Louis Mencken
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
– H. L. Mencken
The argument that capital punishment degrades the state is moonshine, for if that were true then it would degrade the state to send men to war… The state, in truth, is degraded in its very nature: a few butcheries cannot do it any further damage.
– H.L. Mencken
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
– H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)
The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
– H.L. Mencken
Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
– H.L. Mencken
We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
– H.L. Mencken
Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country it is a sign that he expects to be paid for it.
– H.L. Mencken
Casual sex is the best because you don’t have to wear a tie.
– John Mendoza
I never could see why people were so happy about Dickens’ `A Christmas Carol’ because I never had any confidence that Scrooge was going to be any different the next day.
– Dr. Karl Menninger, American psychiatrist (1893-1990), on the transience of the Christmas spirit.
In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom. It is not always an easy sacrifice.
– The Messiah’s Handbook
The more the marble wastes, the more the statue grows.
– Michelangelo [Buonarroti] 1475-1564
Trifles make perfection and perfection is no trifle.
– Michelangelo
Tell the Pope that this is a small matter and it can easily be made suitable; let him make the world a suitable place and painting will soon follow suite.
– Michelangelo, in response to pressure by Pope Paul IV to change (or make suitable) nude images in his fresco, ‘Last Judgement.’
Lord, grant that I may always desire more than I accomplish.
– Michelangelo
If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to?
– Bette Midler
The only purpose for which power can be rightfully exercised over any member of a civilized community, against his will, is to prevent harm to others. His own good, either physical or moral, is not a sufficient warrant.
– John Stuart Mill, ‘On Liberty’ (1859)
We can never be sure that the opinion we are endeavoring to stifle is a false opinion; and if we were sure, stifling it would be an evil still.
– John Stuart Mill, “On Liberty”
Whatever crushes individuality is despotism.
– J.S. Mill, “On Liberty”
I don’t need to be born again. I got it right the first time.
– Dennis Miller
I vent, therefore I am.
– Dennis Miller
No computer has ever been designed that is ever aware of what it’s doing; but most of the time, we aren’t either.
– Marvin Minsky
Show me the books he loves and I shall know the man far better than through mortal friends.
– S. Weir Mitchell
If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, it’s research.
– Wilson Mizner (1876-1933)
I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.
– Wilson Mizner
The ink of the scholar is more sacred than the blood of a tyrant.
– Mohammed
It is not only for what we do that we are held responsible, but also for what we do not do.
– Moliere
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
– Thelonious Monk (also attributed to Lester Bangs and said to be in ‘Psychotic Reactions and Carburetor Dung’
Hollywood is a place where they’ll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul.
– Marilyn Monroe (6/1/1926-1962)
I don’t mind living in a man’s world as long as I can be a woman in it.
– Marilyn Monroe
Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof.
– Ashley Montague
I prefer the company of peasants because they have not been educated sufficiently to reason incorrectly.
– Montaigne
Let us permit nature to have her way. She understands her business better than we do.
– Michel de Montaigne
Man is certainly stark mad; he cannot make a flea, and yet he will be making gods by the dozens.
– Michel de Montaigne
When I play with my cat, who knows whether she isn’t amusing herself with me more than I am with her?
– Montaigne
Useless laws weaken the necessary laws.
– Charles de Secondat Montesquieu
The tyranny of a prince in an oligarchy is not so dangerous to the public welfare as the apathy of a citizen in a democracy.
– Charles de Secondat Montesquieu
I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I’m certainly not! But I’m sick and tired of being told that I am!
– Monty Python
We would like to apologize for the way in which politicians are represented in this program. It was never our intention to imply that politicians are weak-kneed, political time-servers who are more concerned with their personal vendettas and private power struggles than the problems of government, nor to suggest at any point that they sacrifice their credibility by denying free debate on vital matters in the mistaken impression that party unity comes before the well-being of the people they supposedly represent, nor to imply at any stage that they are squabbling little toadies without an ounce of concern for the vital social problems of today. Nor indeed do we intend that viewers should consider them as crabby ulcerous little self-seeking vermin with furry legs and an excessive addiction to alcohol and certain explicit sexual practices which some people might find offensive. We are sorry if this impression has come across.
– Monty Python
Read every day something no one else is reading. Think every day something no one else is thinking. It is bad for the mind to be always part of unanimity.
– Christopher Morley
Tact is the art of convincing people that they know more than they do.
– Raymond Mortimer
Quantum particles: the dreams that stuff is made of.
– David Moser
If the ends don’t justify the means, then what does?
– Robert Moses
Neither a lofty degree of intelligence nor imagination nor both together go to the making of genius. Love, love, love, that is the soul of genius.
– Mozart
When in doubt, cause as much confusion as you can, and, with luck, there’ll always be a loophole.
– Richard Mueller
It’s hard to decide if T.V. makes morons out of everyone or if it mirrors Americans who really are morons to begin with.
– Martin Mull
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
– H.H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)
It is better to go skiing and think of God, than go to church and think of sport.
– Fridtjof Nansen (1861-1930), Norwegian polar explorer, international humanitarian
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
– Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
If you don’t want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won’t have to work
– Ogden Nash
Middle age is when you’ve met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
– Ogden Nash
The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves which make us wonder at the possibility that there may be something to them we are missing.
– Gamel Abdel Nasser
Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
– George Jean Nathan
The moment of victory is much too short to live for that and nothing else.
– Martina Navratilova
Whoever said, It’s not whether you win or lose that counts, probably lost!
– Martina Navratilova
Last season we couldn’t win at home, and this season we can’t win on the road. My failure as a coach is that I can’t think of anyplace else to play.
– Harry Neale, former Vancouver Canuk coach
This is the rock-solid principle on which the whole of the Corporation’s [IBM’s] Galaxy-wide success is founded…their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their superficial design flaws.
– T.H. Nelson, Computer Lib., 1988, London: Penguin.
Well I wish you hadn’t said Kris (Kristofferson). I can out-party Waylon (Jennings), but Kris, he makes it a religion. Waylon, in his old age, he’d run anybody a race for their money. But since he’s quit drugs, he’s very boring. He’s reliable and all that (bleep). He shows up, he sings good. Who needs that?
– Willie Nelson, musician when asked who can party the hardest.
When I was a little boy, I wanted to be a baseball player, and join the circus. With the Yankees, I’ve accomplished both.
– Craig Nettles, New York Yankees Third Baseman
Anyone who attempts to generate random numbers by deterministic means is, of course, living in a state of sin.
– Jon von Neuman
It would appear that we have reached the limits of what it is possible to achieve with computer technology, although one should be careful with such statements, as they tend to sound pretty silly in 5 years.
– John Von Neumann (ca. 1949)
If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gives it to.
– New England saying
It often shows an excellent command of language to say nothing.
– Karol Newlin
No great discovery was ever made without a bold guess.
– Sir Isaac Newton
I do not know what I may appear to the world; but to myself I seem to have been only like a boy playing on the seashore, and diverting myself now and then finding a smoother pebble or a prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me.
– Sir Isaac Newton
If I have been able to see farther than others it is because I stood on the shoulders of giants.
– Isaac Newton
If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders.
– Hal Abelson
In computer science, we stand on each other’s feet.
– Brian K. Reed
(and finally) In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
– Gerald Holton
The censors say they’re protecting the family unit in America, when the reality is, if you suck a tit, you’re an X, but if you cut it off with a sword, you’re a PG.
– Jack Nicholson
Man’s capacity for justice makes democracy possible; but man’s inclination to injustice makes democracy necessary.
– Reinhold Niebuhr
… if the democratic nations fail, their failure must be partly attributed to the faulty strategy of idealists who have too many illusions when they face realists who have too little conscience.
– Reinhold Niebuhr
First the Nazis went after the Jews, but I was not a Jew, so I did not object. Then they went after the Catholics, but I was not a Catholic, so I did not object. Then they went after the Trade-Unionists, but I was not a Trade-Unionist, so I did not object. Then they came after me, and there was no one left to object.
– Martin Niemoeller (Dachau, 1945)
A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.
– Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)
A person’s maturity consists in having found again the seriousness one had as a child, at play.
– Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)
Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.
– Friedrich Nietzsche
Believe me! The secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment from life is to live dangerously!
– Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)
Faith: not wanting to know what is true.
– Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)
He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.
– Nietzsche
I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time.
– Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)
In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with reality at any point.
– Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
In heaven all the interesting people are missing.
– Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)
It is my ambition to say in ten sentences what others say in a whole book.
– Friedrich Nietzsche
Jesus died too soon. If he had lived to my age he would have repudiated his doctrine.
– Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)
Just wait and see. The time will come when all men rise like one, marries two women and chains one of the to the stove and the other one to the bed.
– Friedrich Nietzsche
Life always gets harder toward the summit — the cold increases, the responsibility increases.
Morality is the herd-instinct in the individual.
– Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)
On the mountains of truth you can never climb in vain: either you will reach a point higher up today, or you will be training your powers so that you will be able to climb higher tomorrow.
– Friedrich Nietsche
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.
– Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)
There is not enough love and kindness in the world to permit us to give any of it to imaginary beings.
– Nietzsche
Which is it, is man one of God’s blunders or is God one of man’s?
– Nietzsche
Without music, life would be a mistake.
– Nietzsche
We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.
– Anais Nin
That’s the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they really hate is lousy programmers.
– Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle, “Oath of Fealty”
When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that can’t happen.
– Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world?
– Richard M. Nixon
Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too.
– Richard M. Nixon
When the President does it, that means it’s not illegal.
– Richard Nixon
Only if you have been in the deepest valley, can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain.
– Richard Nixon
Today, China’s economic power makes U.S. lectures about human rights imprudent. Within a decade, it will make them irrelevant. Within two decades, it will make them laughable. By then, the Chinese may threaten to withhold MFN (Most-Favored-Nation) status from the U.S. unless we do more to improve living conditions in Detroit, Harlem and South-Central Los Angeles.
– Richard Nixon
In any free society, the conflict between social conformity and individual liberty is permanent, unresolvable, and necessary.
– Kathleen Norris
The worst thing I’ve heard about the Kennedy’s is that they’re very smart, but when they get horny, their penis takes over and their brain closes.
– Florence Obach, 78, shortly before being excused from a panel of prospective jurors in the Palm Beach rape trial of William Kennedy Smith.
The world’s a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
– Sean O’Casey
Everywhere I go, I’m asked if I think the universities stifle writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them. There’s many a best seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
– Flannery O’Connor (3/24/1925-1964)
There’s many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
– Flannery O’Connor (1925-1964)
It is hard to let old beliefs go. They are familiar. We are comfortable with them and have spent years building systems and developing habits that depend on them. Like a man who has worn eyeglasses so long that he forgets he has them on, we forget that the world looks to us the way it does because we have become used to seeing it that way through a particular set of lenses. Today, however, we need new lenses. And we need to throw the old ones away.
– Kenich Ohmae
There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.
– Ken Olson, President of DEC, World Future Society Convention, 1977
If an infinite number of rednecks, driving an infinite number of pickup trucks, fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world’s great literary works, in Braille.
– Omni
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet. When toast is dropped, it always lands butter-side-down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat [butter facing up]. The two will hover, spinning, inches above the ground. With a giant buttered-toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
– Omni
When subjected to extreme feminine heat and pressure, male hydrocarbons will often produce a diamond.
– Omni
Why yawning is contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people’s ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.
– Omni
Silliness is the last refuge of the doomed.
– Opus
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.
– Robert Orben
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in this country. Ask any native Indian.
– Robert Orben
A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them.
– P.J. O’Rourke
After all, what is your hosts’ purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they’d have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
– P.J. O’Rourke
Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we’re looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn’t test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.
– P.J. O’Rourke
Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system.
– P.J. O’Rourke Vancouver Sun, Dec. 20, 1991
Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.
– P.J. O’Rourke
Giving power and money to the government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
– P.J. O’Rourke, former Gulf War correspondent, summing up what he learned during two years of research on how our government functions.
Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.
– P.J. O’Rourke
The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work and then they get elected and prove it.
– P.J. O’Rourke (1947- )
Most people get a fair amount of fun out of their lives, but on balance life is suffering, and only the very young or very foolish imagine otherwise.
– George Orwell
The nationalist not only does not disapprove of atrocities committed by his own side, but he has a remarkable capacity for not even hearing about them.
– George Orwell
Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past.
– George Orwell
I write because there is some lie I want to expose, some fact to which I want to draw attention, and my initial concern is to get a hearing.
– George Orwell
It cannot be said too often – at any rate is it not being said often enough – that collectivism is not inherently democratic, but, on the contrary, gives to a tyrannical minority such powers as the Spanish Inquisition never dreamt of.
– George Orwell
Any man whose errors take ten years to correct is quite a man.
– J. Robert Oppenheimer, speaking of Albert Einstein
As long as men are free to ask what they must; free to say what they think; free to think what they will; freedom can never be lost and science can never regress.
– J. Robert Oppenheimer
The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears it is true.
– Robert Oppenheimer
If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of rubbish into it.
– William A. Orton
U.S. citizens and their dogs may have some of the most expensive urine in the world.
– Carl A. Osborne, writing about American’s obsession with taking vitamins in ‘The Compendium North’
Being Politically Correct means always having to say you’re sorry.
– Charles Osgood
The best government is that which governs least.
– John L. O’Sullivan
The man who has nothing to boast of but his illustrious ancestry is like a potato, – the only good belonging to him is underground.
– Thomas Overbury (1581-1613)
A woman is always buying something.
– Ovid (43 B.C. – 18 A.D.)
Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.
– Ovid (43 B.C. – 18 A.D.)
Luck affects everything; let your hook always be cast. In the stream where you least expect it, there will be fish.
– Ovid (3/20/43 B.C.- A.D. 17) Roman poet
Take rest; a field that has rested gives a bountiful crop.
– Ovid (B.C. 43-18 A.D.)
Those things that nature denied to human sight, she revealed to the eyes of the soul.
– Ovid (43 B.C.- A.D. 17) born on Mar 20, Roman poet
Any member introducing a dog into the Society’s premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat.
– Oxford Union Society, London, Rule 46
Give to every other human being every right that you claim for yourself-that is my doctrine.
– Thomas Paine (1737-1809)
Man, were he not corrupted by Governments, is naturally the friend of Man, and that human nature is not of itself vicious.
– Thomas Paine
Those who expect to reap the blessing of freedom, must, like men, undergo the fatigue of supporting it.
– Thomas Paine
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
– Samuel Palmer
I don’t care what is written about me so long as it isn’t true.
– Dorothy Parker
I might repeat to myself, slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound; if I can remember any of the damn things.
– Dorothy Parker, The Portable, 1944
If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I shouldn’t be at all surprised.
– Dorothy Parker
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
– Dorothy Parker
Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away.
– Dorothy Parker
You can lead a whore to culture, but you can’t make her think.
– Dorothy Parker
You would be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.
– Dolly Parton
If all men knew what others say of them, there would not be four friends in the world.
– Blaise Pascal
You’re damn right I know where I am. I’m in Madison Square Garden getting beat up!
– Boxer Willie Pastrano to a concerned referee from the mat.
Dans les champs de l’observation le hasard ne favorise quiles espiritis préparés. (Chance favors only the prepared mind.)
– Louis Pasteur
There are no such things as applied sciences, only applications of science.
– Louis Pasteur
An army is like a piece of spaghetti. You can’t stand behind and push, you have to get out in front and pull.
– George S. Patton
I love war….Peace will be hell for me.
– George S. Patton
If everyone is thinking alike then somebody isn’t thinking.
– General George S. Patton
In war death is incidental. Loss of time is criminal.
– George S. Patton
Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
– General George S. Patton, Jr.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
– George S. Patton
There is no substitute for victory.
– George S. Patton
This isn’t right. This isn’t even wrong.
– Wolfgang Pauli
The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas Instruments.
I phoned my dad to tell him I stopped smoking. He called me a quitter.
– Steven Pearl
Whenever we seek to avoid the responsibility for our own behavior, we do so by attempting to give that responsibility to some other individual or organization or entity. But this means we then give away our power to that entity.
– M. Scott Peck
Truth often suffers more by the heat of its defenders than the arguments of its opposers.
– William Penn
Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin – it’s the triumphant twang of a bedspring.
– S.J. Perelman
It is very difficult to look at the possibility of lesbian sheep because if you are a female sheep, what you do to solicit sex is to stand still. Maybe there is a female sheep out there really wanting another female, but there’s just no way for us to know it.
– Anne Perkins, U.C. Davis graduate student on her study of sexuality in sheep
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than going to the garage makes you a car.
– Laurence J. Peter
Not only does the English Language borrow words from other languages, it sometimes chases them down dark alleys, hits them over the head, and goes through their pockets.
– Eddy Peters
Not only that, instead of the money, it escapes with the pocket lint.
– Don Roberts
Once the trust goes out of relationship, it’s really no fun to tell lies.
– Norm Peterson
Most people don’t know this, but I’m pretty famous.
– Norm Peterson
I can not be bought. And, I can not be threatened. But you put the two together and I’m your man.
– Norm Peterson
Never been better. Just once I’d like to be better.
– Norm Peterson
There are two types of coaches. Them that have just been fired, and them that are going to be fired.
– Bum Philips, Houston Oilers Coach
I was walking across a bridge one day, and i saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. so i ran over and said “stop! don’t do it!” “Why shouldn’t I?” he said. I said, “Well, there’s so much to live for!” He said, “Like what?” I said, “Well…are you religious or atheist?” He said, “Religious.” I said, “Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?” He said, “Christian.” I said, “Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?” He said, “Baptist!” I said, “Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?” He said, “Baptist Church of God!” I said, “Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?” He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God!” I said, “Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?” He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!” I said, “Die, heretic scum”, and pushed him off.
– Emo Phillips
Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
– Emo Phillips
The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
– Emo Philips
The community which does not protect its humblest and most hated member in the free utterance of his opinions, no matter how false or hateful, is only a gang of slaves. If there is anything in the universe that can’t stand discussion, let it crack.
– Wendell Phillips (1811-1884), speech, 1863
The universe is full of magical things, patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.
– Eden Phillpots
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
– Pablo Picasso (1881-1973)
Give me a museum and I’ll fill it.
– Pablo Picasso (1881-1973)
I am always doing that which I can not do, in order that I may learn how to do it.
– Pablo Picasso
If I knew what the meaning of art was, I wouldn’t tell you.
– Pablo Picasso
Some painters transform the sun into a yellow spot; others transform a yellow spot into the sun.
– Pablo Picasso
The best of healers is good cheer.
– Pindar
I cannot here avoid giving my most decided sufferage in favour of the moral qualities of maniacs. I have no where met, excepting in romances, with fonder husbands, more affectionate parents, more impassioned … than in the lunatic asylum, during their intervals of calmness and reason.
– Philippe Pinel, ‘Treatise on Insanity’ 1801
How I want a drink, alcoholic of course, after the heavy lectures involving quantum mechanics. All of thy geometry, Herr Planck, is fairly hard…
– pi mnemonic
Necessity is the excuse for every infringement of human freedom. It is the argument of the tyrant and the creed of the slave.
– William Pitt
A new scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually die, and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.
– Max Planck, 1858-1947
The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.
– Plutarch
Is not absence death to those who love?
– Alexander Pope
Education belongs pre-eminently to the church. . .neutral or lay schools from which religion is excluded are contrary to the fundamental principles of education.
– Pope Pius XI
As empty vessels make the loudest sound, so they that have the least wit are the greatest blabbers.
– Plato
Attention to health is life’s greatest hindrance.
– Plato (427-347 B.C.)
He was a wise man who invented God.
– Plato
Justice is having and doing what is one’s own.
– Plato
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.
– Plato
The beginning is the most important part of the work.
– Plato
Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
– Plato
The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.
– Plutarch
They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night.
– Edgar Allan Poe, Eleonora
It is through science that we prove, but through intuition that we discover.
– Henri Poincare
Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons.
– Popular Mechanics, March 1949
Human beings are perhaps never more frightening than when they are convinced beyond doubt that they are right.
– Laurens van der Post
I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that where I was flying made what I was doing spying.
– Francis Gary Power, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by the Soviets for spying, in an interview after he was returned to the US.
His philosophy was a mixture of three famous schools: the Cynics, the Stoics and the Epicureans – and summed up all three of them in his famous phrase, ‘You can’t trust any bugger further than you can throw him, and there’s nothing you can do about it, so let’s have a drink.’
– Terry Pratchett, ‘Small Gods’
I don’t know anything about music. In my line you don’t have to.
– Elvis Presley (1935-1977)
Life’s a bitch, and life’s got lots of sisters.
– Ross Presser
The only true voyage of discovery is not to go to new places, but to have other eyes.
– Marcel Proust ‘Remembrance of Things Past’
A woman either loves or hates; she knows no medium.
– Publilius
Newspapers should have no friends.
– Joseph Pulitzer
Put it before them briefly so they will read it, clearly so they will appreciate it, picturesquely so they will remember it and, above all, accurately so they will be guided by its light.
– Joseph Pulitzer
Physicians, of all men, are most happy: whatever good success they have, the world proclaimeth and what faults they commit, the earth covereth.
– Francis Quarles (1592-1644) Hieroglyphics of the Life of Man
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
– Vice President Dan Quayle
Are they taking DDT?
– Vice President Dan Quayle asking doctors at a Manhattan AIDS clinic about their treatments of choice, 4/30/92 (reported in Esquire, 8/92, and NY Post early May 92)
Bank failures are caused by depositors who don’t deposit enough money to cover losses due to mismanagement.
– Dan Quayle
Bobby Knight told me this: “There is nothing that a good defense cannot beat a better offense.” In other words a good offense wins.
– Senator Dan Quayle, in a speech to the City Club of Chicago, comparing the offensive capabilities of the Warsaw Pact with the defensive system of NATO, 9/8/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
Certainly, I know what to do, and when I am Vice President — and I will be — there will be contingency plans under different sets of situations. And I tell you what, I’m not going to go out and hold a news conference about it. I’m going to put it in a safe and keep it there! Does that answer your question?
– Senator Dan Quayle, when asked what he would do if he assumed the Presidency, 10/10/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
I had not had that question before.
– Senator Dan Quayle explaining why, during the Bentsen debate, he couldn’t say what he would do if he suddenly became president, 10/6/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
El Salvador is a democracy so it’s not surprising that there are many voices to be heard here. Yet in my conversations with Salvadorans… I have heard a single voice.
– Vice President Dan Quayle
Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is IN the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here.
– Vice President Dan Quayle, Hawaii, 4/25/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a — it is different than the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it’s got a particularly unique situation.
– Vice President Dan Quayle when a woman at a hospital in Colorado Springs asked Mr. Quayle last week whether Hawaii’s universal health-care plan might serve as a national model. (reported in the NY Times, 10/7/92 and the Ft. Wayne Journal Gazette 10/11/92)
I am not going to focus on what I have done in the past what I stand for, what I articulate to the American people. The American people will judge me on what I am saying and what I have done in the last 12 years in the Congress.
– Vice President Dan Quayle
I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy – but that could change.
– Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
I can identify with steelworkers. I can identify with workers that have had a difficult time.
– Vice President Dan Quayle addressing workers at an Ohio steel plant, 1988
I deserve respect for the things I didn’t do.
– Dan Quayle
I feel that this [1981] is my first year, that next year is an election year, that the third year is the mid point and that the fourth year is the last chance I’ll have to make a record since the last two years, I’ll be a candidate again. Everything I do in those last two years will be posturing for the election. But right now I don’t have to do that.
– Senator Dan Quayle
I have made good judgments in the Past. I have made good judgments in the Future.
– Vice President Dan Quayle
I know one committee I don’t want — Judiciary. They are going to be dealing with all those issues like abortion, bussing, voting rights, prayers. I’m not interested in those issues and I want to stay as far away from them as I can.
– Senator Dan Quayle (from “What a Waste it Is to Lose One’s Mind” – the Unauthorized Autobiography)
I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.
– Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate.
– Vice-President Dan Quayle
I want to be Robin to Bush’s Batman.
– Vice President Dan Quayle
I would guess that there’s adequate low-income housing in this country.
– Senator Dan Quayle, 10/27/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
I was a less than serious student in college. If I had it to do over again, I would be far more serious. I did play a lot of golf. But I don’t think that’s any reflection on my ability to lead this nation.
– Vice President Dan Quayle
If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure.
– Vice President Dan Quayle, to the Phoenix Republican Forum, 3/23/90 (reported in Esquire, 8/92) Also reported by Reuters, 5/2/90
If you give a person a fish, they’ll fish for a day. But if you train a person to fish, they’ll fish for a lifetime.
– Vice President Dan Quayle while at a job training center in Atlanta celebrating the 10th anniversary of the Job Training Partnership Act, which Quayle helped to sponsor while a senator, 10/13/92. (reported in the NY Times, 10/14/92).
I’m glad you asked me that. This gives me the perfect opportunity to talk about the problems with this Congress…
– Vice President Dan Quayle responding to reporter’s questions about his use of Air force 2 to go on golf trips at the cost of $26,000/hour
I’m not so sure that I will miss Johnny Carson, but Johnny Carson will miss me.
– Vice President Dan Quayle (reported in the Houston Chronicle, 5/22/92 – taken from The Quayle Quarterly, Summer/Fall 1992)
I’ll have to check with my dad.
– Dan Quayle responding when an Indiana GOP county chairman asked him to run for Congress in 1976. (reported by the Washington Post, 10/2/88)
It is immoral to parent irresponsibly. . . And it doesn’t help matters any when prime time TV, like ‘Murphy Brown’, a character who is supposed to represent a successful career woman of today, mocks the importance of the father by bearing her child alone, claiming that this is simply another lifestyle choice.
– Vice President Dan Quayle
(Rebuttal:) If Mr. Quayle feels that single parenthood is immoral and that a woman cannot adequately raise a child by herself, then he should see to it that abortion remains safe and legal in this country.
– Diane English, producer of ‘Murphy Brown’
It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
– Vice President Dan Quayle
It was just a job. It wasn’t any special interest in consumer affairs. I needed a paycheck and the Attorney General said that I would be best to go down there, because he knew I was anti-consumer.
– Vice President Dan Quayle and talking about his job as Chief investigator, consumer protection division of the Indiana Attorney General’s office from 1970-1971
It’s not to keep him from running off our property. It’s to protect my putting green.
– Vice President Dan Quayle telling a guest at his house why his dog, Breezy, wears a special collar that emits a painful jolt of electricity should the dog try to run away. (reported in the NY Daily News, 6/30/92 – taken from The Quayle Quarterly, Summer/Fall 92)
[It’s] time for the human race to enter the solar system.
– Vice President Dan Quayle on the concept of a manned mission to Mars.
It’s wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
– Vice President Dan Quayle, 4/30/91
I’ve played there (the Burning Tree Country Club) before and I’ll play there again. I’m not going to protest Burning Tree. Maybe they’ll change. I think it would be a good idea for them to take women into the club. I don’t have any problem playing there in the meantime.
– Vice President Dan Quayle (from “What a Waste it Is to Lose One’s Mind” – the Unauthorized Autobiography)
Let me say it one more time. It is ill-rel-e-vant.
– Senator Dan Quayle testily responding to repeated questions about his parents’ involvement in the John Birch Society. (reported in the Washington Post, 10/10/88)
Because. Because I say it isn’t.
– Senator Dan Quayle explaining why questions about his parents’ ties to the John Birch Society aren’t relevant, 10/9/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.
– Vice President Dan Quayle, Head of the National Space Council, in an August 11th (1989) interview on Cable News Network.
May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world.
– The Quayle’s 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy, though.]
My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will never, never surrender to what is right.
– Vice President Dan Quayle speaking to the Christian Coalition about the need for abstinence to avoid AIDS, 11/15/91 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
Obviously, if you join the National Guard, you have less of a chance of going to Vietnam. I mean it goes without saying.
– Senator Dan Quayle discussing his draft record on NBC’s “Meet the Press,” 9/20/92. (reported in the Houston Chronicle 9/21/92)
Of course I like California. After all, I did grow up in Phoenix.
– Dan Quayle
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.
– Vice President Dan Quayle
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.
– Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
– Senator Dan Quayle US News and World Report (10/10/88)
The [Democrats] talked about putting people first. Well, they put people first unless you happen to be a spotted owl or a giant garter snake or some other endangered species and then that seems to have priority. Obviously, you take the bald eagle and things of that sort, of course you’re going to make sure that they are saved and that they can live and you’re going to take every precaution that you can. But others—we just need a little flexibility.
– Vice President Dan Quayle defending his lambasting of Democrats on the Spotted Owl/ Endangered Species issue. (In an interview on Prime Time Live, August 10, 1992. Reported in the NY Times, August 12, 1992)
The morale of troops on the home front is just as important as the morale of troops likely to be blown up at any moment.
– Vice President Dan Quayle (you knew he would have one) speaking about his morale boosting trip to a National Guard Armory in Grand Rapids following his moral boosting visit with U.S. troops in Saudi Arabia.
Target prices? How that works? I know quite a bit about farm policy. I come from Indiana, which is a farm state. Deficiency payments – which are the key – that is what gets money into the farmer’s hands. We got loan, uh, rates, we got target, uh, prices, uh, I have worked very closely with my senior colleague, [Indiana Sen.] Richard Lugar, making sure that the farmers of Indiana are taken care of.
– Vice President Dan Quayle on being asked to define the term ‘target prices.’ Quayle’s press secretary then cut short the press conference, after two minutes and 30 seconds.
The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make.
– Vice President Dan Quayle, in a speech to the American Society of Newspaper Editors, April 1991
The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.
– Senator Dan Quayle, 9/15/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92, The New Yorker, 10/10/88, p.102)
The loss of life will be irreplaceable.
– Vice President Dan Quayle after the San Francisco earthquake, 10/19/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
The real question for 1988 is whether we’re going to go forward to tomorrow or past to the – to the back!
– Vice President Dan Quayle
The US has a vital interest in that area of the country.
– Vice President Dan Quayle Referring to Latin America.
[The U.S. victory in Gulf war was] a stirring victory for the forces of aggression.
– Vice President Dan Quayle, 4/11/91 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
There. I paid for my ice tea and I even left you a penny.
– Vice President Dan Quayle at Bob’s Big Boy in Claymont, DE. The waitress who served Dan Quayle said he had given the cashier $1.00 for a 99 cent iced tea, said this, and then laughed. On a stop to a Delaware restaurant, in Feb. 1992, Quayle bought a coffee at Dempsey’s Diner and left no tip whatsoever. On that occasion, he had just come from a $500 a plate fundraiser at the Hotel Du Pont. This time, after leaving his 1 cent tip, he went to a $250 a plate fundraiser at the Rodney Square Club in downtown Wilmington. (Wilmington News-Journal, 10/24/92)
There is nothing that a good defense cannot beat a better offense. In other words a good offense wins.
– Vice President Dan Quayle comparing the offensive capabilities of the Warsaw Pact with the defensive system of NATO.
This president is going to lead us out of this recovery. It will happen.
– Vice President Dan Quayle at a campaign stop at CA State University, Fresno, 1/17/92 (The Quayle Quarterly, Spring/Summer 1992)
Those same asteroids which promise material riches can be a threat as well.
– Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/1/90 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
Tobacco exports should be expanded aggressively because Americans are smoking less.
– Vice President Dan Quayle, 1990 (reported by IPS, 8/14/92)
Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
– Senator Dan Quayle, 10/30/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92 and the LA Times, 10/30/88)
We are not ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.
– Dan Quayle
We don’t want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward.
– Vice President Dan Quayle
We expect them [Salvadoran officials] to work toward the elimination of human rights in accordance with the pursuit of Justice.
– Vice President Dan Quayle, 2/3/89 (reported in The Chicago Tribune, 2/4/89)
We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe.
– Vice President Dan Quayle
We lead in exporting jobs.
– Vice President Dan Quayle committing a Freudian slip while speaking to the Chamber of Commerce of Evansville, Indiana, a city which lost 4 large companies in the last four years. He quickly changed the word “jobs” to “products.” (NY Newsday 7/26/92 – taken from The Quayle Quarterly, Summer/Winter, 1992)
We should develop anti-satellite weapons because we could not have prevailed without them in ‘Red Storm Rising’.
– Vice President Dan Quayle
We shouldn’t have to be burdened with all the technicalities that come up from time to time with shrewd, smart lawyers interpreting what the laws or what the Constitution may or may not say.
– Vice-President Dan Quayle, addressing a police academy in Knoxville, Tennessee in August 1992 (from the AP wire)
Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.
– Vice President Dan Quayle addressing the 20th anniversary celebration of the moon landing, 7/20/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world.
– Senator Dan Quayle, 9/21/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
Why wouldn’t an enhanced deterrent, a more stable peace, a better prospect to denying the ones who enter conflict in the first place to have a reduction of offensive systems and an introduction to defensive capability. I believe that is the route this country will eventually go.
– Vice President Dan Quayle
You all look like happy campers to me. Happy campers you are, happy campers you have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers you will always be.
– Vice President Dan Quayle, to the American Samoans, whose capital Quayle pronounces “Pogo Pogo,” 4/25/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
You know, before I left, President Bush and I were talking and he said to me, ‘I knew Spiro Agnew. I worked with Spiro Agnew. And believe me, you are no Spiro Agnew.’
– Vice President Dan Quayle to those who had compared his attacks on the “cultural elite” to Agnew’s denunciations of “effete intellectuals.” The Los Angeles Daily News, 6/28/92
What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.
– Vice President Dan Quayle winning friends while speaking to the United Negro College Fund, 5/9/89 This gem has been added to Bartlett’s “Familiar Quotations.” (reported in Esquire, 8/92) (reported in the NY Times, 12/9/92)
Civilization is the progress toward a society of privacy. The savage’s whole existence is public, ruled by the laws of his tribe. Civilization is the process of setting man free from men.
– Ayn Rand, “The Fountainhead”
To me, there is only one form of human depravity – the man without a purpose.
– Ayn Rand
When I die, I hope to go to Heaven, whatever the Hell that is.
– Ayn Rand
Contradictions do not exist. Whenever you think that you are facing a contradiction, check your premises. You will find that one of them is wrong.
– Ayn Rand
I think more people would be alive today if there were a death penalty.
– Nancy Reagan
Facts are stupid things.
– Ronald Reagan
I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I’m in a cabinet meeting.
– Ronald Reagan (maybe)
I’m spending more time at this library in four days than I did at the Eureka College Library in four years.
– Ronald Reagan during the opening ceremonies for the library that will house his white house papers.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
– Ronald Reagan
The best view of government is in the rearview mirror as you’re driving away from it.
– Ronald Reagan
There are no such things as limits to growth, because there are no limits on the human capacity for intelligence, imagination and wonder.
– Ronald Reagan
We have every right to dream heroic dreams. After all, we’re Americans.
– Ronald Reagan
Why should we subsidize intellectual curiosity?
– Ronald Reagan, talking about education.
You can tell a lot about a fellow’s character by his way of eating jellybeans.
– Ronald Reagan
Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
– M.C. Reed.
I do not even fulfill the domestic-content requirements for being a cabinet secretary.
– Labor Secretary Reich, Noting that his replacement hip was made in Germany and France, 1994.
Sandwich that does not kill us, makes us stronger.
– Kris Rhen
Do not assume that he who seeks to comfort you now, lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. His life may also have much sadness and difficulty, that remains far beyond yours. Were it otherwise, he would never have been able to find these words.
– Rainer Maria Rilke
I caused my husband’s heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.
– Joan Rivers
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It’s only the people who make them unsafe.
– Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.
Watch your back, don’t let aids creep up behind you.
– Rob
Human beings were invented by water as a device for transporting itself from one place to another.
– Tom Robbins
Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.
– Tom Robbins
You say you’re supposed to be nice to the Episcopalians and the Presbyterians and the Methodists and this, that, and the other thing. Nonsense. I don’t have to be nice to the spirit of the Antichrist.
– Pat Robertson, The 700 Club, January 14, 1991
The chief problem with lower income farmers is poverty.
– Nelson Rockefeller
Nobody does good to man with impunity.
– Auguste Rodin (1840-1917)
The more you observe politics, the more you’ve go to admit that each party is worse than the other.
– Will Rogers
Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week.
– Will Rogers
Government investigations have always contributed more to our amusement than they have to our knowledge.
– Will Rogers
I don’t know jokes; I just watch government and report the facts.
– Will Rogers
There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
– Will Rogers
The short memory of American voters is what keeps politicians in office.
– Will Rogers
The trouble with Congress is every time they make a law, it’s a joke, and every time they make a joke, it’s a law!
– Will Rogers
A door is something a cat is always on the wrong side of.
– Judith Rogow
Hospes, ad hunc tumulum ne meias
– anonymous Roman epitaph
Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.
– Mickey Rooney
Life was meant to be lived and curiosity must be kept alive. One must never, for whatever reason, turn his back on life.
– Eleanor Roosevelt
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
– Eleanor Roosevelt
One sure way to determine the social conscience of a Government is to examine the way taxes are collected and how they are spent. And one sure way to determine the social conscience of an individual is to get his tax-reaction. Taxes, after all, are the dues that we pay for the privileges of membership in an organized society.
– Franklin Delano Roosevelt, campaign address, Worcester, Mass., Oct. 21, 1936.
The value of love will always be stronger than the value of hate. Any nation or group of nations which employs hatred eventually is torn to pieces by hatred.
– Franklin D. Roosevelt
We, and all others who believe in freedom as deeply as we do, would rather die on our feet than live on our knees.
– Franklin D. Roosevelt, Letter to Viscount Halifax, June 19, 1941
A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad.
– Theodore Roosevelt (1858-1919)
Do not hit at all if it can be avoided, but never hit softly.
– Theodore Roosevelt
Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer too much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.
– Theodore Roosevelt
In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing. The worst thing you can do is nothing.
– Theodore Roosevelt
It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.
– Theodore Roosevelt
No man is above the law and no man below it.
– Theodore Roosevelt
No man is justified in doing evil on the grounds of expedience.
– Theodore Roosevelt
The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do what he wants them to do, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it.
– Theodore Roosevelt
With the money I’m making, I should be playing two positions.
– Pete Rose
As long as we have some definite idea about or some hope in the future, we cannot really be serious with the moment that exists right now.
– Suzuki Roshi
Conservative: One who admires radicals centuries after they’re dead.
– Leo C. Rosten
If you are going to do something wrong at least enjoy it.
– Leo Rosten
Truth is. Belief is not required.
– Gerry Roston
Cats are a waste of fur.
– Rita Rudner
The universe is made of stories, not atoms.
– Muriel Rukeyser
Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do.
– Bertrand Russell
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.
– Bertrand Russell
One should respect public opinion insofar as is necessary to avoid starvation and keep out of prison, but anything that goes beyond this is voluntary submission to an unnecessary tyranny.
– Bertrand Russell
So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.
– Bertrand Russell
The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.
– Bertrand Russell (1929)
The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.
– Bertrand Russell
Za dvumya zaitsami pogonish’sya, ne odnogo ne poimaesh’. (If you chase two rabbits, you will not catch either one.)
– Russian proverb
With lies you may go ahead in the world, but you can never go back.
– Russian Proverb
Love and eggs are best when they are fresh.
– Russian Proverb
All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
– E. Rutherford
You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than about 10^12 to 1.
– Ernest Rutherford
We don’t see eye to eye, but we have a common interest: your money.
– Johnny Ryman, alias Johnny Rotten, announcing the rationale for a reunion tour of the Sex Pistols, 1996
To tell a falsehood is like the cut of a saber; for though the wound may heal, the scar of it will remain.
– Saadi (1184-1291)
A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism.
– Carl Sagan, Contact
All of the books in the world contain no more information than is broadcast as video in a single large American city in a single year. Not all bits have equal value.
– Carl Sagan
I would love it even if they were short, sullen, grumpy and sexually obsessed. But there just isn’t any good evidence.
– Carl Sagan, astronomer, discussing the possibilities of extraterrestrial life.
My deeply held belief is that if a god of anything like the traditional sort exists, our curiosity and intelligence is provided by such a God. We would be unappreciative of that gift … if we suppressed our passion to explore the universe and ourselves.
– Carl Sagan
A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you.
– Francoise Sagan
Love does not consist in gazing at each-other but in looking together in the same direction.
– Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Our greatest responsibility is to be good ancestors.
– Dr. Jonas Salk
The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him.
– Jim Samuels
To know and to act are one and the same.
– Samurai maxim
He who allows his day to pass by without practicing generosity and enjoying life’s pleasures is like a blacksmith’s bellows – he breathes but does not live.
– Sanskrit Proverb
America is the greatest of opportunities and the worst of influences.
– George Santayana
It is a great advantage for a system of philosophy to be substantially true.
– George Santayana
Progress, far from consisting in change, depends retentiveness. Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
– George Santayana (1863-1952) “The Life of Reason”
Skepticism is the chastity of the intellect, and it is shameful to surrender it too soon or to the first comer.
– George Santayana, Skepticism and Animal faith [1923]
The same battle in the clouds will be known to the deaf only as lightning and to the blind only as thunder.
– George Santayana
Time has a wonderful way of weeding out the trivial.
– Richard Ben Sapir
I think it’s very hard to be naked in a scene and not be upstaged by your nipples.
– Susan Sarandon
I think it’s about time we voted for senators with breasts. After all, we’ve been voting for boobs long enough.
– Claire Sargent (Arizona senatorial candidate on female candidates)
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
– David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
– Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980)
Hell is other people.
– Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980)
Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.
– Jean-Paul Sartre
Three o’clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
– Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980)
Goodbye. I am leaving because I am bored.
– George Saunders’ dying words
Americans have different ways of saying things. They say `elevator’, we say `lift’…they say `President’, we say `stupid psychopathic git’….
– Alexi Sayle
Against stupidity the very gods themselves contend in vain.
– Schiller
The notes I handle no better than many pianists, but the pauses between the notes – ah, that is where the art resides!
– Artur Schnabel
Nobody ever says to men, how can you be a Congressman and a father.
– Pat Schroeder
In those days, pot was something you cooked in and coke was something you drank and grass was something you mowed.. hardware was a hammer, and software wasn’t in the dictionary.
– Daniel L. Schorr, Senior analyst for NPR and 1939 grad of CUNY at a commencement speech at Brandeis University May 21, 1995
I love mankind; it’s people I can’t stand.
– Charles Schultz
If you want to be free, there is but one way; it is to guarantee an equally full measure of liberty to all your neighbors. There is no other.
– Carl Schurz (1829-1906)
Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.
– Albert Schweitzer
The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives.
– Albert Schweitzer
There are but two refuges from the miseries of life: music and cats.
– Albert Schweitzer
Centrifugation relies on the sedimentation of particles in an increased gravitational field.
– Scopes, ‘Protein Purification Principles and Practice’. 1982.
Like any other appliance, it is possible to cook food to the point of destruction.
– Sears Microwave Instruction Manual
If you don’t find it in the Index, look very carefully through the entire catalogue.
– Consumer’s Guide, Sears, Roebuck and Co. (1987)
[T]he earth does not belong to man; man belongs to the earth. This we know. All things are connected like the blood which unites one family. All things are connected. Whatever befalls the earth befalls the sons of the earth. Man did not weave the web of life; he is merely a strand in it. Whatever he does to the web, he does to himself.
– Chief Seattle, 1854
Never create by law what can be accomplished by morality.
– Charles-Louis Secondat Baron de Montesquieu
They couldn’t hit an elephant at this dist…
– General Sedgewick, killed at the Spotsylvania battle, 1864, imprudently looking over the parapet at the enemy lines.
True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
– Erich Segal
A quarrel is quickly settled when deserted by one party: there is no battle unless there be two.
– Seneca (B.C. 3-65 A.D.)
Most powerful is he who has himself in his own power.
– Seneca
Nothing is more common than for great thieves to ride in triumph when small ones are punished.
– Seneca (B.C. 3-65 A.D.)
Quemadmoeum gladuis neminem occidit, occidentis telum est. (A sword is never a killer, it is a tool in the killers hands.)
– Lucius Annaeus Seneca “the younger” ca. 4 BC – 65 AD
The good things of prosperity are to be wished; but the good things that belong to adversity are to be admired.
– Seneca
To wish well is part of becoming well.
– Seneca
When I think over what I have said, I envy dumb people.
– Seneca
Loud speech, profusion of words and possessing skillfulness in expounding scriptures are merely for the enjoyment of the learned. They do not lead to liberation.
– Shankaracharya
A doctor’s reputation is made by the number of eminent men who die under his care.
– George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
A fool’s brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
– George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always count on the support of Paul.
– George Bernard Shaw
A pessimist thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.
– George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
All great truths begin as blasphemies.
– George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
All professions are conspiracies against the laity.
– George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
Beware of the man whose God is in the skies.
– George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
– George Bernard Shaw
Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.
– George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
Few people think more than two or three times a year. I have made an international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week.
– George Bernard Shaw
He who can, does. He who cannot teaches.
– George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
I can forgive Alfred Nobel for having invented dynamite, but only a fiend in human form could have invented the Nobel Prize.
– George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
I like a bit of a mongrel myself, whether it’s a man or a dog; they’re the best for every day.
– George Bernard Shaw 1856-1950, Misalliance [1910], episode I
I often quote myself, it adds spice to my conversation.
– George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
– George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
– George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
Let a short Act of Parliament be passed, placing all street musicians outside the protection of the law, so that any citizen may assail them with stones, sticks, knives, pistols, or bombs without incurring any penalties.
– George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it.
– George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
– George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
Make money and the whole nation will conspire to call you a gentleman.
– George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
Martyrdom is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability.
– George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
My main reason for adopting literature as a profession was that, as the author is never seen by his clients, he need not dress respectably.
– George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
Nothing ever is done in this world until men are prepared to kill one another if it is not done.
– George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
Pardon him, Theodotus, he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
– George Bernard Shaw
Some men see things as they are and ask why. Others dream things that never were and ask why not.
– George Bernard Shaw
Take the utmost trouble to find the right thing to say, and then say it with the utmost levity.
– George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
The art of government is the organization of idolatry.
– George Bernard Shaw
The liar’s punishment … is that he cannot believe anyone else.
– George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
– George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.
– George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
– George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
The worst sin toward our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them: that’s the essence of inhumanity.
– George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
There is no love sincerer than the love of food.
– George Bernard Shaw
There is only one religion, though there are a hundred versions of it.
– George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
– George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
Virtue is insufficient temptation.
– George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
We have not lost faith, but we have transferred it from God to the medical profession.
– George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
When a man wants to murder a tiger he calls it sport; when a tiger wants to murder him he calls it ferocity.
– George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
When I was young I observed that nine out of every ten things I did were failures, so I did ten times more work.
– George Bernard Shaw
Why should we take advice on sex from the Pope. If he knows anything, he shouldn’t
– George Bernard Shaw
A fool and his words are soon parted.
– William Shenstone
It’s a very sobering feeling to be up in space and realize that one’s safety factor was determined by the lowest bidder on a government contract.
– Alan Shepherd
I am tired and sick of war. Its glory is all moonshine. It is only those who have neither fired a shot, nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for more blood, more vengeance, more desolation. War is hell.
– William Tecumseh Sherman, General – U.S Army (1820 – 1897)
Those desiring to make history would be better concerned with their own biography.
– Viktor Shklovsky
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
– Ryan Showers
Pay no attention to what the critics say. A statue has never been erected in honor of a critic.
– Jean Sibelius
That was Zen. This is Tao.
– Peter da Silva
If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can’t do this.
– Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M “Post-Its”
Women are like a beer. They look good, they taste good, and as soon as you’ve had one, you want another.
– Homer Simpson
You must believe in free-will; there is no choice.
– Isaac Singer
He who never made a mistake never made a discovery.
– Samuel Smiles
It is not from the benevolence of the butcher, the brewer, or the baker, that we expect our dinner, but from their regard to their own self-interest. We address ourselves, not to their humanity but to their self-love, and never talk to them of our own necessities but of their advantages.
– Adam Smith
To be occasionally quoted is the only fame I care for.
– Alexander Smith, (O.K., you got it)
There are two things to aim at in life: First, to get what you want; and after that to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind achieve the second.
– Logon Pearsall Smith
An employee with nothing to hide may well be an employee with nothing to offer.
– Robert Ellis Smith, Publisher of the ‘Privacy Journal’
Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated, often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes in between them.
– Sydney Smith
No furniture is as charming as books, even if you never open them.
– Sydney Smith
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
– Socrates
Let him that would move the world, first move himself.
– Socrates (B.C. 469-399)
Patriotism means unqualified and unwavering love for the nation, which implies not uncritical eagerness to serve, not support for unjust claims, but frank assessment of its vices and sins, and penitence for them.
– Alexander Solzhenitsyn, ‘From Under the Rubble’
In keeping silent about evil, in burying it so deep within us that no sign of it appears on the surface, we are implanting it, and it will rise up a thousand-fold in the future.
– Solzhenitsyn
You only have power over people so long as you don’t take everything away from them. But when you’ve robbed a man of everything, he’s no longer in your power – he’s free again.
– A. Solzhenitsyn
There was no chemistry or biology, so we’re history.
– Someone’s Ex
Ever negotiate with lawyers at a huge company? If they saw you drowning 100 feet from the shore, they’d through you a 51-foot rope and say they went more than halfway.
– Paul Somerson in ‘PC Computing,’ 1996
The function of the law is not to provide justice or to preserve freedom. The function of the law is to keep those who hold power, in power.
– Gerry Spence ‘From Freedom to Slavery,’ 1993
Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman.
– Herbert Spencer
Sanity is a cozy lie.
– Susan Sontag
The only interesting answers are those which destroy the questions.
– Susan Sontag
Kindness gives birth to kindness.
– Sophocles
USENET: Post to exotic, distant machines. Meet exciting, unusual people. And flame them.
– Dan Sorenson
One drink is just right, two are too many, three are too few.
– Spanish proverb
Where there is love, there is pain.
– Spanish Proverb
Pray as if everything depended on God, and work as if everything depended upon man.
– Francis J. Spellman (1889-1967)
Logic is a tweeting bird in a green meadow.
– Mr. Spock
It is not how much we have, but how much we enjoy, that makes happiness.
– Charles Spurgeon (1834-1892)
The situation is not a disaster; it is merely a change. The area won’t have disappeared; it will just be underwater. Where you now have cows, you will have fish.
– J.R. Spradley, a member of the U.S. delegation to an international conference on climate change, addressing the Bangladesh delegation about last year’s floods.
The voice of conscience is so delicate that it is easy to stifle it: but it is also so clear that it is impossible to mistake it.
– Madame de Stael
The more I see of men, the more I like dogs.
– Madame de Stael (1766-1817) French writer
Ideas are more powerful than guns. We would not let our enemies have guns, why should we let them have ideas?
– Josef Stalin
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
– Josef Stalin
Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want.
– Dan Stanford
Misers are very kind people: they amass wealth for those who wish their death.
– Leszczynski Stanislaus (1677-1766)
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
– Igor Stravinsky (1882-1971)
What is the difference between unethical and ethical advertising? Unethical advertising uses falsehoods to deceive the public; ethical advertising uses truth to deceive the public.
– Vilhjalmur Stefansson
We spend our time searching for security and hate it when we get it.
– John Steinbeck
A man can be called ruthless if he bombs a country to oblivion. A woman can be called ruthless if she puts you on hold.
– Gloria Steinem (b. 1934)
All religions are founded on the fear of the many and the cleverness of the few.
– Stendhal
To make a discovery takes long years, but thereafter it can be explained in the course of an hour.
– Steno
Someone once told me I have a mind that’s like a bad neighborhood; I shouldn’t go in there alone.
– Sharon Stone
There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
– Gloria Steinem
In America any boy may become President and I suppose it’s just one of the risks he takes.
– Adlai Stevenson
A free society is a place where it’s safe to be unpopular.
– Adlai Stevenson
A man who holds the same beliefs at 40 as he did at 20 has been stagnant for a score of years.
– Robert Louis Stevenson, ‘Aes Triplex’ (an essay)
Keep your fears to yourself, but share your courage with others.
– Robert Louis Stevenson
The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind.
– General Joseph “Vinegar Bend” Stilwell (1883-1946)
Every exit is an entry somewhere else.
– Tom Stoppard
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
– Tom Stoppard
I have learned throughout my life as a composer chiefly through my mistakes and pursuits of false assumptions, not by my exposure to founts of wisdom and knowledge.
– Igor Stravinsky
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.
– Strindberg
All warfare is based on deception.
– Sun Tzu
When the strike of a hawk breaks the body of its prey, it is because of timing.
– Sun Tzu
When the thunderclap comes, there is no time to cover the ears.
– Sun Tzu
Think globally, act locally.
– Susan
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
– Swami X
Fear less, hope more; eat less, chew more; whine less, breathe more; hate less, love more; and all good things are yours.
– Swedish proverb
When a blind man carries a lame man, both go forward.
– Swedish proverb
We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love, one another.
– Jonathan Swift
Conservatives want to make people virtuous; liberals want to make them healthy. Both believe that using the state to accomplish their aims is legitimate. That is why both conservatives and liberals favor anti-drug laws, psychiatric coercions, and other assaults against individual freedom and responsibility couched in therapeutic terms.
– Thomas S. Szasz
Formerly, when religion was strong and science weak, men mistook magic for medicine, now, when medicine is strong and religion weak, men mistake medicine for magic.
– Thomas Szasz
People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something that one finds. It is something one creates.
– Thomas Szasz
Science is to see what everyone else has seen but think what no one else has thought.
– Albert Szent-Gyorgyi
Fear is not in the habit of speaking truth. When perfect sincerity is expected, perfect freedom must be allowed; nor has anyone who is apt to be angry when he hears the truth, any cause to wonder that he does not hear it.
– Tacitus
The more corrupt the state, the more numerous the laws.
– Cornelius Tacitus
The desire for safety stands against every great and noble enterprise.
– Cornelius Tacitus
By plucking her petals, you do not gather the beauty of the flower.
– Rabindranath Tagore
Language exists to conceal true thought.
– Tallyrand
Such a good friend that she will throw all her acquaintances into the water for the pleasure of fishing them out again.
– Charles Count Talleyrand (1754-1838)
We worry about what a child will be tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today.
– Stacia Tauscher
Success is a great deodorant.
– Elizabeth Taylor
If you judge people, you have no time to love them.
– Mother Teresa
Nothing is so difficult that it may not be found out by research.
– Terence, C.185-159 BC
The pen is mightier than the sword if the sword is very short, and the pen is very sharp.
– P. Terry
You don’t tell deliberate lies, but sometimes you have to be evasive.
– Margaret Thatcher
I wouldn’t recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they’ve always worked for me.
– Hunter S Thompson
People who claim to know jackrabbits will tell you they are primarily motivated by Fear, Stupidity, and Craziness. But I have spent enough time in jackrabbit country to know that most of them lead pretty dull lives; they are bored with their daily routines: eat, fuck, sleep, hop around a bush now & then…. No wonder some of them drift over the line into cheap thrills once in a while; there has to be a powerful adrenalin rush in crouching by the side of a road, waiting for the next set of headlights to come along, then streaking out of the bushes with split-second timing and making it across to the other side just inches in front of the speeding front tires.
– Hunter S. Thompson, ‘Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail ’72’
I wasn’t allowed on stage [at the 1993 March on Washington]. I was told, and this is a quote, ‘We already have enough white males.’ I was very hurt by that experience. I think this white male has done a fuck of a lot. To be knocked off the stage by a Nicaraguan dyke just because one isn’t the right color or gender! I hate to sound bitter, but that’s what happened.
– Scott Thompson (Kids in the Hall) to Atlanta’s Etcetera magazine.
Reality is rarely what we imaging. Great and noble things do not always happen for great and noble reasons.
– Tracy Thompson, ‘Reader’s Digest,’ Oct. 1994
I do not wish to kill nor to be killed, but I can foresee circumstances in which these things would be by me unavoidable.
– Henry David Thoreau
The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the law free.
– Henry David Thoreau
Disobedience is the true foundation of liberty. The obedient must be slaves.
– Henry David Thoreau
For every thousand hacking at the leaves of evil, there is one striking at the root.
– Thoreau
Is it not possible that an individual may be right and a government wrong? Are laws to be enforced simply because they were made? Or declared by any number of men to be good, if they are NOT good?
– Henry David Thoreau – ‘A Plea for Captain John Brown’
That man is the richest whose pleasures are the cheapest.
– Henry David Thoreau
You simply MUST stop taking advice from other people.
– Melissa Timberman
Any movement in history which attempts to perpetuate itself, becomes reactionary.
– Josip Broz Tito
America is a country where they have freedom of speech but everyone says the same thing.
– Tocqueville
What a strange illusion it is to believe that beauty is goodness.
– Leo Tolstoi
The simplest and shortest ethical precept is to be served as little as possible … and to serve others as much as possible.
– Leo Tolstoy
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
– Lily Tomlin
We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
– Lily Tomlin
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
– Lily Tomlin
The reason that God was able to create the world in seven days is that he didn’t have to worry about the existing configuration.
– Enzo Torresi
When I was young, I kissed my first woman, and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. Believe me, never since have I wasted any more time on tobacco.
– Alfred Toscanini
In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death by slow starvation. The old principle: who does not work does not eat, has been replaced by a new one: who does not obey shall not eat.
– Leon Trotsky
A statesman is a politician who’s been dead 10 or 15 years.
– Harry S. Truman
Wherever you have an efficient government you have a dictatorship.
– Harry S. Truman
No one on his deathbed ever said, I wish I had spent more time on my business.
– Paul E. Tsongas, quoting a letter from a friend.
Every man’s life, liberty, and property are in danger when the Legislature is in session.
– Gideon J. Tucker
No matter how far you’ve gone down the wrong road, turn back.
– Turkish Proverb
Coffee should be black as hell, strong as death, and sweet as love.
– Turkish Proverb
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
– Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens): 1835 – 1910
A lie can travel half-way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.
– Mark Twain
A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.
– Mark Twain
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
– Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens): 1835 – 1910
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
– Mark Twain
God only made man because he was disappointed with the monkey.
– Mark Twain
I am different from Washington; I have a higher, grander standard of principle. Washington could not lie. I can lie, but I won’t.
– Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens): 1835 – 1910
I have never let schooling interfere with my education.
– Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens): 1835 – 1910
If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be – a Christian.
– Mark Twain
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. It is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
– Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens): 1835 – 1910
In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore, in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long, seven hundred and forty-two years from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
– Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens): 1835 – 1910
Irreverence is the champion of liberty and its one sure defense.
– Mark Twain (1835-1910), Notebook, 1888
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
– Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens): 1835 – 1910
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
– Mark Twain
Let us be thankful for the fools; but for them the rest of us could not succeed.
– Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens): 1835 – 1910
Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
– Mark Twain
My first American ancestor, gentlemen, was an Indian-an early Indian. Your ancestors skinned him alive, and I am an orphan. All those Salem witches were ancestors of mine. Your people made it tropical for them…. The first slave brought into New England out of Africa was an ancestor of mine-for I am a mixed breed, an infinitely shaded and exquisite Mongrel.
– Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
– Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens): 1835 – 1910
Of all of the delights in this world man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven.
– Mark Twain
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read.
– Mark Twain
The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out, the conservative adopts them.
– Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens): 1835 – 1910
The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.
– Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens): 1835 – 1910
We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don’t know anything and can’t read.
– Mark Twain
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
– Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens): 1835 – 1910
Why shouldn’t truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.
– Mark Twain (1835-1910)
If power corrupts, weakness in the seat of power, with its constant necessity of deals and bribes and compromising arrangements, corrupts even more.
– Barbara Tuchman
The biggest bore is the person who is bored by everyone and everything.
– Frank Tyger
[A small difference of opinion on the U.S. Supreme Court in ‘Texas v. Johnson’ 491 U.S. 397 (1989)] If there is a bedrock principle underlying the First Amendment, it is that the Government may not prohibit the expression of an idea simply because society finds the idea itself offensive or disagreeable.
– Justice William J. Brennan, writing for the majority.
Surely one of the purposes of a democratic society is to legislate against conduct that is regarded as evil and profoundly offensive to the majority of people; whether it be murder, embezzlement, pollution or flag burning.
– Chief Justice William Rehnquist, dissenting.
A hand grenade exploded in a school of fish will supply food for days.
– U.S. Armed Forces Survival Manual
If the jury feels the law unjust, we recognize the undisputed power of the jury to acquit, even if its verdict is contrary to the law as given by a judge, and contrary to the evidence … and the courts must abide by that decision.
– U.S. v. Moylan, 4th Circuit Court of Appeals, 1969, 417 F.2d at 1006
The right to bear arms is not granted by the Constitution; neither is it in any manner dependent upon that instrument for its existence.
– U.S. Supreme Court, U.S. v. Cruikshank
I learned the difference between a cactus and a caucus. A cactus has its pricks on the outside.
– Morris Udall, Former U.S. Rep. on his education in public life.
I find a lot of actors are infantile people. It’s just so silly what we do half the time. Someone said to my daughter, ‘Are you gonna be an actress like your mum?’ And she said, ‘Oh please. I’m gonna be something useful, like a nurse.’
– Tracy Ulman
Science tries to tell us interesting and constructive stories that might be useful for something.
– Rich Ulrich
Success is where preparation and opportunity meet.
– Bobby Unser
Art is like baby shoes. When you coat them with gold, they can no longer be worn.
– John Updike (1932-__) born on Mar 18 U.S. novelist, short-story writer, poet
Look not where you fell, but where you slipped.
– Vai proverb, Liberia
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
– Paul Valery (1871-1945)
How do you go from where you are to where you want to be? I think you have to have an enthusiasm for life. You have to have a dream, a goal, and you have to be willing to work for it.
– Jim Valvano
The best index to a person’s character is (a) how he treats people who can’t do him any good, and (b) how he treats people who can’t fight back.
– Abigail Van Buren (1974)
One may have a blazing hearth in one’s soul and yet no one ever come to sit by it. Passersby see only a wisp of smoke from the chimney and continue on the way.
– Vincent Van Gogh (3/30/1853-1890)
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election.
– Bill Vaughan
The only safety for the conquered is to expect no safety.
– Vergil (B.C. 70-19)
Whatever one man is capable of conceiving, other men will be able to achieve.
– Jules Verne
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
– Gore Vidal
Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half.
– Gore Vidal
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
– Gore Vidal
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
– Gore Vidal
Sex is. There is nothing more to be done about it. Sex builds no roads, writes no novels and sex certainly gives no meaning to anything in life but itself.
– Gore Vidal (b. 1925)
Whether you have an abortion, what you put in your own body, with whom you have sex – these are not the affairs of the state. A government does not exist to control the citizens. When it does, it is a tyranny, and must be fought. The tree of liberty, Jefferson warned us, must be refreshed with the blood of tyrants and patriots.
– Gore Vidal
Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
– Last words of Pancho Villa
Marriage: putting one’s hand into a bag of snakes on the chance of drawing out an eel.
– Leonardo da Vinci
Patience serves as a protection against wrongs as clothes do against cold. For if you put on more clothes as the cold increases, it will have no power to hurt you. So in like manner you must grow in patience when you meet with great wrongs, and they will be powerless to vex your mind.
– Leonardo da Vinci
Infatuation is when you think he’s as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Connors. Love is when you realize that he’s as sexy as Woody Allen, as smart as Jimmy Connors, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger and nothing like Robert Redford; but you’ll take him anyway.
– Judith Viorst
A witty saying proves nothing.
– Voltaire
Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
– Voltaire
Friends should be preferred to kings.
– Voltaire
God created sex. Priests created marriage.
– Voltaire
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
– Voltaire
If God didn’t exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
– Voltaire
It is an infantile superstition of the human spirit that virginity would be thought a virtue and not the barrier that separates ignorance from knowledge.
– Voltaire
It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong.
– Voltaire
It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue.
– Voltaire
It is with books as with men: a very small number play a great part, the rest are lost in the multitude.
– Voltaire (1694-1778)
Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers.
– Voltaire
Originality is nothing but judicious imitation.
– Voltaire
Since the whole affair had become one of religion, the vanquished were of course exterminated.
– Voltaire
The art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one class of the citizens to give to the other.
– Voltaire
The fate of a nation has often depended on the good or bad digestion of a Prime Minister.
– Voltaire
The true character of liberty is independence, maintained by force.
– Voltaire (1694-1778)
To hold a pen is to be at war.
– Voltaire
To succeed in this world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.
– Voltaire
The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labor.
– Wernher Von Braun when asked if man can be replaced by computer in spaceflight
There’s no sense in being precise when you don’t even know what you’re talking about.
– John von Neumann
Speech and expressive action that is supported by a majority of the population does not need protection… the First Amendment protects the unpopular.
– Robert J. Wagman
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you’re still a rat.
– Jane Wagner
A physicist is an atom’s way of knowing about atoms.
– George Wald
The quietly pacifist peaceful always die to make room for men who shout.
– Alice Walker
No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow.
– Alice Walker
When they come for the innocent without crossing over your body, cursed be your religion and your life
– Brendan Walsh
You can’t be a legend in your parent’s basement.
– Joe Walsh
It’s just a matter of time before we’re late.
– Michael Walsh
Let us all be happy and live within our means, even if we have to borrow money to do it.
– Artemus Ward
The mediocre teacher tells; the good teacher explains; the superior teacher demonstrates; the great teacher inspires.
– William Arthur Ward
The pessimist complains about the wind; The optimist expects it to change; The realist adjusts the sails.
– William Arthur Ward
Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
– H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
You can’t hold a man down without staying down with him.
– Booker T. Washington
No race can prosper till it learns that there is as much dignity in tilling a field as in writing a poem.
– Booker T. Washington
Discipline is the soul of an army. It makes small numbers formidable, procures success to the weak, and esteem to all.
– George Washington
Few men have virtue to withstand the highest bidder.
– George Washington
Government is not reason; it is not eloquence; it is force! Like fire, it is a dangerous servant and a fearful master.
– George Washington
Over grown military establishments are under any form of government inauspicious to liberty, and are to be regarded as particularly hostile to republican liberty.
– George Washington (1732-1799)
Show me a man with both feet on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t put his pants on.”
– Arthur K. Watson
One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists, a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also just stupid.
– J.D. Watson, ‘The Double Helix’
To be prepared for war is one of the most effectual means of preserving peace.
– George Washington
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
– Thomas J. Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
Any one can be unhappy, but it takes extra effort and learning to make oneself unhappy.
– Watzliawick, ‘The Situation is Hopeless, but not Serious’ 1966.
A friend told me to shoot first and ask questions later. I was going to ask him why, but I had to shoot him.
– John Wayne on Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless, there are three other people.
– Orson Welles
Gluttony is not a secret vice.
– Orson Welles
We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.
– Lt. Col. Gerald Wellman, an ROTC instructor at the MIT on the military’s ban on gays.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
– H.G. Wells
We want the facts to fit the preconceptions. When they don’t, it is easier to ignore the facts than to change the preconceptions.
– Jassamyn West
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.
– Mae West
I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute.
– Rebecca West
This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.
– Western Union internal memo, 1876.
We have two hands. What’s wrong with having one of them on the mouse?
– Dr. Ruth Westheimer, sex expert, in defense of on-line sex, in Web magazine.
Every one wishes to have truth on his side, but it is not every one that sincerely wishes to be on the side of truth.
– Whately
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.
– E.B. White
Liberty is the only thing you cannot have unless you are willing to give it to others.
– William Allen White (1868-1944)
Familiar things happen, and mankind does not bother about them. It requires a very unusual mind to undertake the analysis of the obvious.
– Alfred North Whitehead, ‘Science and the Modern World’ 1925
Outside every thin woman is a fat man trying to get in.
– Katherine Whitehorn
I exist as I am, that is enough.
– Walt Whitman
Government expands to absorb revenue – and then some.
– Tom Wicker
A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
– Alfred E. Wiggam
A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
– Oscar Wilde
A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.
– Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
A man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.
– Oscar Wilde
A remarkable characteristic of the Americans is the manner in which they have applied science to modern life… In England an inventor is regarded almost as a crazy man, and in too many instances invention ends in disappointment and poverty. In America an inventor is honored, help is forthcoming, and the exercise of ingenuity, the application of science to the work of man, is there the shortest road to wealth.
– Oscar Wilde, Lecture in England (1883) after return from America.
A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
– Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.
– Oscar Wilde
As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.
– Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
Bad artists always admire each other’s work.
– Oscar Wilde
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
– Oscar Wilde
Democracy is the bludgeoning of the people, by the people, for the people.
– Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
– Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
I can resist anything but temptation.
– Oscar Wilde
It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.
– Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
Men always want to be a woman’s first love – women like to be a man’s last romance.
– Oscar Wilde
Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
– Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.
– Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
My dear boy, the people who love only once in their lives are really the shallow people. What they call their loyalty and their fidelity, I call their lethargy of custom or their lack of imagination. Faithfulness is to the emotional life what constancy is to the intellect – simply a confession of failure. Faithfulness! I must analyze it some day. The passion for property is in it. There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up.
– Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
– Oscar Wilde
Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.
– Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
Religion is the fashionable substitute for belief.
– Oscar Wilde
Society produces rogues, and education makes one rogue cleverer than another.
– Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself.
– Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
– Oscar Wilde
There is so much to be said in favor of modern journalism. By giving us the opinions of the uneducated it keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community.
– Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
There’s only one thing worse than being talked about and that’s not being talked about.
– Oscar Wilde
Truth, in the matters of religion, is simply the opinion that has survived.
– Oscar Wilde
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
– Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
– Oscar Wilde
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
– Oscar Wilde
Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings.
– George Will
Many promising reconciliations have broken down because, while both parties came prepared to forgive, neither party came prepared to be forgiven.
– Charles Williams
Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
– H.H. Williams
Some men know that a light touch of the tongue, running from a woman’s toes to her ears, lingering in the softest way possible in various places in between, given often enough and sincerely enough, would add immeasurably to world peace.
– Marianne Williamson
Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
– Robin Williams
Fuck you.
– Tennessee Williams
Life is an unanswered question, but let’s still believe in the dignity and importance of the question.
– Tennessee Williams
Most congressman are charlatans who are either ignorant or contemptuous of our Constitution.
– Walter E. Williams
Some men know that a light touch of the tongue, running from a woman’s toes to her ears, lingering in the softest way possible in various places in between, given often enough and sincerely enough, would add immeasurably to world peace.
– Marianne Williamson, ‘A Woman’s Worth’
To surpress minority thinking and minority expression would tend to freeze society and prevent progress … Now more than ever, we must keep in the forefront of our minds the fact that whenever we take away the liberties of those we hate, we are opening the way to loss of liberty for those we love.
– Wendell Willkie (1892-1944), Republican candidate for President, 1940
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
– Earl Wilson
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
– Thomas Wilson
If you want to make enemies, try to change something.
– Woodrow Wilson.
No man has ever risen to the real stature of spiritual manhood until he has found it is finer to serve somebody else than it is to serve himself.
– Woodrow Wilson
No one who has read official documents needs to be told how easy it is to conceal the essential truth under the apparently candid and all-disclosing phrases of a voluminous and particularizing report….
– Woodrow Wilson
For I am a Bear of Very Little Brain, and big words Bother me.
– Winnie the Pooh
If your ship doesn’t come in, swim out to it.
– Jonathan Winters
Organic chemistry just now is enough to drive one mad. It gives one the impression of a primeval tropical forest, full of the most remarkable things, a monstrous and boundless thicket, with no way of escape, and into which one may well dread to enter.
– Friedrich Wohler
There is no limit to stupidity. Space itself is said to be bounded by its own curvature, but stupidity continues beyond infinity.
– Gene Wolfe
A cult is a religion with no political power.
– Tom Wolfe
It is not possible to both understand and appreciate Intel CPUs.
– D. Wolfskill
Suspense is not knowing what you’re up against and not knowing what you can do. Terror is knowing what you’re up against and not knowing what you can do about it. Horror is knowing what you’re up against and knowing you can’t do anything about it.
– Randy Wong
Nothing has really happened until it has been recorded.
– Virginia Woolf
On the outskirts of every agony sits some observant fellow who points.
– Virginia Woolf
I have lost friends, some by death… others through sheer inability to cross the street.
– Virginia Woolf
An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to lie for his country.
– Sir Henry Wotton
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
– Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
I believe in God, only I spell it Nature.
– Frank Lloyd Wright
Government can be a kind of gangsterism and is in Russia and is likely to be here if we don’t take care of ourselves pretty carefully.
– Frank Lloyd Wright (1869-1959), on _ Mike Wallace Asks_ ,T.V. Interview, 1958
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
– Steve Write
Power never takes a backstep – only in the face of more power.
– Malcolm X
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C,’ the idea must be feasible.
– A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith’s paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can’t sit on it for long.
– Boris Yeltsin
Not to be or to be, that the question is.
– Yoda and Shakespeare
If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live.
– Lin Yutang
A man likes his wife to be just clever enough to comprehend his cleverness, and just stupid enough to admire it.
– Israel Zangwill
Americans like to talk about (or be told about) Democracy but, when put to the test, usually find it to be an ‘inconvenience.’ We have opted instead for an authoritarian system disguised as a Democracy. We pay through the nose for an enormous joke-of-a-government, let it push us around, and then wonder how all those assholes got in there.
– Frank Zappa
I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else that has ever happened, and vice versa.
– Frank Zappa
I wrote a song about dental floss but did anyone’s teeth get cleaner?
– Frank Zappa, in response to Tipper Gore’s allegations that music incites people towards deviant behavior, or influences their behavior in general.
In every language, the first word after “Mama!” that every kid learns to say is “Mine!” A system that doesn’t allow ownership, that doesn’t allow you to say “Mine!” when you grow up, has — to put it mildly – a fatal design flaw.
– Frank Zappa
The essence of Christianity is told us in the Garden of Eden history. The fruit that was forbidden was on the tree of knowledge. The subtext is, All the suffering you have is because you wanted to find out what was going on. You could be in the Garden of Eden if you had just keep your fucking mouth shut and hadn’t asked any questions.
– Frank Zappa Playboy Interview, April 1993
No nation ancient or modern ever lost the liberty of freely speaking, writing, or publishing their sentiments, but forthwith lost their liberty in general and became slaves.
– John Peter Zenger (1697-1746)
It’s not hard to get the ideas when they come, they just come…it’s painful waiting for them.
– Warren Zevon
There’s not much to be said about the period except that most writers don’t reach it soon enough.
– William Zinsser
If the lord had meant us to have faith, he’d have given us lobotomies.
– Zlatko
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together…
– Carl Zwanzig
Agnes’ Law: Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
The Angler’s Credo: If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he’ll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Anthony’s Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner.

Corollary: On its way to the corner, any dropped tool will always first strike your toes. Flucard’s Corollary: Anything dropped in the bathroom falls in the toilet.
Bate’s Law: The phone always rings when you are outside the shower with a knife.
Beifeld’s Principle: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of:
(1) a date (2) his wife (3) a better looking and richer male friend.
Boren’s First Law: When in doubt, mumble.
Bove’s Theorem: The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches.

Bowie’s Theorem: If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.

Boyle’s First Law: If not controlled, work will flow to the competent person until he submerges.

Boyle’s Conundrum: Like it or not, America is inching toward the metric system.

Bradley’s Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into committee. That’ll do them in.

Brilliant’s Observation on Modern Art: Not all our artists are playing a joke on the public. Some are genuinely mad.

Brilliant’s Law of Limited Ambition: If you can’t learn how to do it well learn how to enjoy doing it poorly.

Brook’s Law: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

Byrne’s Law: In any electrical circuit, appliances and wiring will burn out to protect fuses.

Dr. Caligari’s Come-Back: A bad sector disk error occurs only after you’ve done several hours of work without performing a backup.

Cann’s (or Allen’s) Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.

Carson’s Definition: The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.

Carson’s Observation on Geriatrics: Sex in the sixties is great, but it improves if you pull over to the side of the road.

Carlson’s Consolation: Nothing is ever a complete failure; it can always serve as a bad example.

Charade’s Axiom: When all else fails, use a hammer.

Cohen’s Law: There is no bottom to worse.

Cohn’s Law: The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Conway’s Law: In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.

Law of Continuity: Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way.

Correspondence Corollary: An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half of your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory.

Crenna’s Law of Political Accountability: If you are the first to know about something bad, you are going to be held responsible for acting on it, regardless of your formal duties.

Cropp’s Law: The amount of work done varies inversely with the amount of time spent in the office.

Cutler Webster’s Law: There are two sides to every argument, unless a person is personally involved, in which case there is only one.

Deadline-Dan’s Demo Demonstration: The higher the ‘higher-ups’ are who’ve come to see your demo, the lower your chances are of giving a successful one.

Denniston’s Law: Virtue is its own punishment.

Bo Diddeley’s Observation on the Law: Always take a lawyer with you, and bring another lawyer to watch him.

The Principle of Documentary Fallibility: Every important document you write will contain at least one egregious typographical error. The more pubic the document, the more embarrassing the error.

Ettore’s Observation: The other line moves faster.

Fifth law of applied terror: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
Finagle’s Laws:
1) Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse. 2) No matter what results are expected, someone is always willing to fake it. 3) No matter what the result, someone is always eager to misinterpret it. 4) No matter what occurs, someone believes it happened according to his pet theory.
Finagle’s Law of Government Contracting: Dealing with the government is like kicking a 300-pound sponge.
Finagle’s Law of Military Superiority: The bigger they are the harder they hit.

Finster’s Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Flo Capp’s Observation: The next best thing to doing something smart is not doing something stupid.

Ginsberg’s Theorem:

1) You can’t win. 2) You can’t break even. 3) You can’t even quit the game.
Glyme’s Formula for Success: The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
Goebel’s Law of Useless Difficulty: Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s worth the effort.

Goebel’s Second Law of Useless Difficulty: The fastest way to get something done is to determine that it isn’t worth doing.

Goebel’s Law of Product Introductions: A future product release date does not say when a product will be introduced. All it says it that you don’t have a chance in hell of seeing it before that time.

Goebel’s Observation on Utopia: If everyone believed in peace they would immediately begin fighting over the best way to achieve it.

Goebel’s Law of Intellectual Obscurity: What fun is it to be an expert if you make yourself easy to understand?

Goda’s Truism: By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

Gold’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.

The Golden Rule (of Arts and Sciences): He who has the gold makes the rules.

Gomme’s Laws:

(1) A backscratcher will always find new itches. (2) Time accelerates. (3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.
Government’s Law: There is an exception to all laws.
Grabel’s Law: 2 is not equal to 3; not even for very large values of 2.

Green’s Law of Debate: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Griffin’s Thought: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

Gumperson’s Law: The probability of a given event occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.

Gunter’s Airborne Discoveries:

(1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft, the aircraft will encounter turbulence. (2) The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of you coffee.
Hacker’s Law: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation to action is one of mankind’s oldest illusions.
The Hale Mail Rule: When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least one of the following:
(a) A pen or pencil or typewriter. (b) Stationery. (c) Postage stamp. (d) The letter you are answering.
Hanlon’s Razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Hansen’s Library Axiom: The closest library doesn’t have the material you need.

Herblock’s Law: if it is good, they will stop making it.

Harrison’s Postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Harvard’s Law: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases.

Hawkeye’s Conclusion: It’s not easy to play the clown when you’ve got to run the whole circus.

Hempstone’s Question: If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?

Hewett’s Observation: The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of peers similarly engaged.

Hitchcock’s Staple Principle: The stapler runs out of staples only while you are trying to staple something.

Hoare’s Law of Large Programs: Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out.

Hoffer’s Discovery: The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual.

(Douglas) Hofstadter’s law: Any computer project will take twice as long as you think it will even when you take into account Hofstadter’s law.

Hubbard’s Law: Don’t take life too seriously; you won’t get out of it alive.

The Law of Imitation: It’s not plagiarism if you would have said it the same way had you said it first.

Biden’s Corollary to the Law of Imitation: It’s not plagiarism if you would have said it the same way had you said it first.
Three Rules of Immutability:
(1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will. (2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will. (3) If a teenager can go out, he will.
The Law of Inverse Visibility: The immediate visibility of an object is inversely proportional to the importance of finding it.
Johnson-Laird’s Law: Toothache tends to start on Saturday night.

Knebel’s Law: It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Larkinson’s Law: All laws are basically false.

Larsen’s law: Whenever you see intelligent people doing illogical things, you know the government is involved.

Robert E. Lee’s Truce: Judgement comes from experience; experience comes from poor judgement.

Long’s Note: Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.

Lowery’s Law: If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

Lynch’s Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

Macaluso’s Doctrine: You’ve never been as sick as just before you stop breathing.

Maier’s Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.

Main’s Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

Manly’s Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Mason’s First Law of Synergism: The one day you’d sell you soul for something, souls are a glut.

May’s Law: The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)

McEwan’s Rule of Relative Importance: When traveling with a herd of elephants, don’t be the first to lie down and rest.

Mencken’s Law: There is always an easy answer to every human problem; neat, plausible, and wrong.

Meskimen’s Law: There’s never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.

Miller’s Slogan: Lose a few, lose a few.

Mix’s Laws:

(1) There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building. (2) There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
Murphy’s First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Murphy’s Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think.

Murphy’s Third Law: In any field of scientific endeavor, anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

Murphy’s Fourth Law: If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

Murphy’s Fifth Law: If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.

Murphy’s Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.

Murphy’s Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

Murphy’s Eighth Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Murphy’s Ninth Law: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

Murphy’s Tenth Law: Mother Nature is a bitch.

Murphy’s Eleventh Law: It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious.

Murphy’s Thirteenth Law: Inevitably, you will forget one of your laws.

Murphy’s Law (The summary): If anything can go wrong it will. (And at the worst possible time)

Jeff’s Observation: Murphy’s Law is a subset of anything. Jeff’s Paradox: If Murphy’s Law can go wrong it will. O’Toole’s commentary on murphy’s law: Murphy was an optimist.
Murphy’s Law of Thermodynamics: Things get worse under pressure.
Nick the Greek’s Law of Life: All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.

Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.

Nixon’s Theorem: The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.

Nolan’s Placebo: An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.

Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.

Nowlan’s Theory: He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next freeway exit.

Oliver’s Law of Location: No matter where you are, there you are.

O’Reilly’s Law of the Kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible.

Parkinson’s Law: Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.

Parkinson’s Law, Modified: The components you have will expand to fill the available space.

Paul’s law: You can’t fall off the floor.

Peer’s Law: The solution to a problem changes the problem.

Peter’s Principle: In every organization, each person tends to rise to the level of his incompetence.

The Law of the Perversity of Nature: You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.

The Phone Booth Rule: A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.

Pudder’s Law: Anything that begins well will end badly. (Note: The converse of Pudder’s law is not true.)

Ray’s Rule of Precision: Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.

Robb’s Law of Technological Evolution: For every idiot-proof system devised, a new, improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

Rudin’s Law: In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course.

Rule of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem it always helps you to know the answer.

Rule of the Great: When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.

Ryan’s Law: Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Sattinger’s Law: It works better if you plug it in.

Schmidt’s Observation: All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin person.

Segal’s Law: A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.

The Law of Selective Gravity, or the Buttered-Side Down Law: An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

Silver’s law: If Murphy’s law can go wrong it will.

Skinner’s Constant (the Fudge Factor): That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should have gotten.

J. Calvin Smith’s Observation on Entropy: There is no un-fan for the ca-ca to un-hit.

Smith’s Observation: The person who says, ‘Where did you last have it?’ actually believes he is providing valuable assistance.

J. Calvin Smith’s Absolute Certainty No. 1: I don’t know who, why or when, but somewhere at some time someone will have a life-and-death need for two snowflakes exactly alike.

Stale’s Law: No matter how careful one is in resealing the inner liner in a cereal box, it will tear where it is glued to the box.

The Law of the Too Solid Goof: In any collection of data, the figures that are obviously correct beyond all need of checking contain the errors.

Corollary 1: No one you ask for help will see the error either. Corollary 2: Any nagging intruder, who stops by with unsought advice, will spot it immediately.
Udall’s Fourth Law: Any change or reform you make is going to have consequences you don’t like.
Uncle Ed’s Rule of Thumb: Never use your thumb for a rule. You’ll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.

Unnamed Law: If it happens, it must be possible.

Van Roy’s Law: Honesty is the best policy – there’s less competition.

Van Roy’s Truism: Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.

Warren’s Rule: To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.

Weiler’s Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do the work.

Weinberg’s Corollary: An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.

Weinberg’s Law: If builders built buildings the way the programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Whitehead’s Law: The obvious answer is always overlooked.

Wilcox’s Law: A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

William’s Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.

Wilner’s Observation: All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.

Woodward’s Law: A theory is better than its explanation.

Zall’s Laws:

(1) Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do will be wrong. (2) How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you’re on.
Zymurgy’s First Law of Evolving System Dynamics: Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can.
11th Commandment: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s tag.

((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^1/2)) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0

A Dozen, a Gross and a Score, plus three times the square root of four, divided by seven, plus five times eleven, equals nine squared and not a bit more.
186,000 Miles per second. It’s not just a good idea, it’s the Law.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? You decide.

47% of all statistics are useless.

500,000 lemmings can’t be wrong.

668: the neighbor of the beast.

A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours.

A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.

A chicken is an egg’s way of producing more eggs.

A Christian is a man who feels repentant on a Sunday for what he did on Saturday and will do again on Monday.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

A company is known by the men it keeps.

A computer’s attention span is as long as it’s power cord.

A fool and his money are never around when you need them.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

A friend in need is a pest indeed.

A hard man is good to find.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

A journey always begins with a farewell.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

A king’s castle is his home.

A lie in time saves nine.

A lover teaches a wife all that her husband has concealed from her.

A man is incomplete till he is married; then he is finished.

A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.

A man’s house is his hassle.

A martyr is a hero who didn’t make it.

A meeting is an event where minutes are taken and hours wasted.

A message from the Anybody But Bush campaign: Saddam Hussein still has a job, Do you?

A metaphor is like a simile.

A midget psychic escapes from jail.

Headline: ‘Small Medium at Large.’
A mind is a terrible thing.
A mind stretched by an idea will never return to its original size.

A penny saved is ridiculous.

A person is just as big as the thing that makes him angry.

A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.

A poor excuse is better than no excuse at all.

A preposition is a bad thing to end a sentence with.

A real friend isn’t someone you use once and throw away. A real friend is someone you can use again and again.

A scientist would rather use another scientist’s toothbrush than to use his terminology.

A self-made man will be amazed at the number of alterations made when he marries.

A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.

A sick mind is not necessarily the sign of a clean desk.

A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.

A society without religion is like a crazed psychopath without a loaded .45

A speck of dust is in the eye of the beholder.

A stitch in time saves nine, but a cross-stitch save twelve.

A student who changes the course of history is probably just taking an exam.

A ‘sucking chest wound’ is natures way of telling you to slow down.

A supercomputer is a computer one order of magnitude less powerful than is needed to solve the problems we have right now.

A toast to bread, for without bread, there could be no toast.

A wife lasts as long as a marriage, an ex-wife forever.

Ability is the poor man’s wealth.

(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?

(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?

Access denied. nah nah na nah nah!

According to the Communications Decency Act, these are the words you may no longer use in your Internet correspondence: “fuck”, “shit”, “motherfucker”, “cocksucker”, “piss”, “cunt”, and “tits”. The use of “fuck”, “shit”, “motherfucker”, “cocksucker”, “piss”, “cunt”, and “tits” may now earn you a quarter-million-dollar fine as well as jail time. Please refrain from using “fuck”, “shit”, “motherfucker”, “cocksucker”, “piss”, “cunt”, and “tits”, to protect your children as well-being as others from their evil influence. Also, it is now illegal to discuss abortion.

Accuracy: The vice of being right.

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear all about the men she could’ve married, and she didn’t have to hear all about the dishes his mother cooked.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

After you’ve heard two eyewitness accounts of an auto accident it makes you wonder about history.

All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm place to shift.

All computers wait at the same speed.

All extremists should be taken out and shot.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

All generalizations are bad.

Corollary: All statements must be specific.
All my life I said I wanted to be someone. I can see now that I should have been more specific.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

All things work out in the end; the problem is that we never reach a definite end; we are always making new beginnings.

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

Also, avoid awkward or affected alliteration.

Although everyone is entitled to be stupid, some abuse this privilege.

Always be sincere, even if you don’t mean it.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Always draw your curves, then plot the data.

Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.

Always try to stop talking before people stop listening.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having the good sense to be lazy.

American Non-Sequitur Society: We don’t make sense, but we like pizza.

An authority knows lots of things you don’t care about.

An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.

An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.

An ounce of prevention is a 1/16 pound of prevention.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: Nobody really enjoys it and the frog generally dies as a result.

Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it’s better than no government at all.

Anarchy should be the law.

Corollary: I will establish democracy by dictatorial decree.
And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.

Animals are your friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport.

Any disclaimer issued by me is subject to change without notice.

Any errors in spelling, tact or fact are transmission errors.

Any good FORTRAN programmer knows that God is real…unless declared as an integer.

Any simple problem can be made unsolvable if enough meetings are held to discuss it.

Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry up is not nailed down.

Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, I hate quotations.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.

Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can’t remember where they leave things.

Astrophysics: The study of George Jetson’s dog in motion on a treadmill.

At any time, any place, our snipers can drop you. Have a nice day.

Attention: The meeting of the Apathy Support Group has been canceled due to lack of interest.

Avoid cliches like the plague.

Avoid those run-on sentences that just go on, and on, and on, they never stop, they just keep rambling, and you really wish the person would just shut up, but no, they just keep going, they’re worse than the Energizer Bunny, they babble incessantly, and these sentences, they just never stop, they go on forever…if you get my drift…

Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

Avoid tumbling off the cliff of triteness into the black abyss of overused metaphors.

Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.

Backups? We don’ NEED no steenking backups.

Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay.

Bad cop! No donut!

Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.

Basic programmers don’t die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.

Be alert, the world needs more lerts.

Be careful, the toes you step on today may be attached to the butt you’ll have to kiss tomorrow!

Be different: Conform.

Be nice to your enemy; it drives them nuts.

Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.

Beam me up Scotty, It ate my phaser.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.

Bee vomit is sweet.

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.

Before you beat the dog, learn his master’s name.

Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same.

Black holes are where God is dividing by zero.

Blessed are the cross-eyed, for they shall see God twice.

Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.

Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.

Bombs don’t kill people. Explosions kill people.

BREAKFAST.COM Halted…Cereal Port Not Responding

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

Build something foolproof and every fool will use it.

Bumper sticker on an old beat-up van: ‘Don’t laugh, your daughter might be in here.’

Bumper sticker: Make love not war. See driver for details.

Bureaucracy: A method for transforming energy into solid waste.

C code. C code run. Run, code, run!

C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.


Camouflage condoms: So they won’t see you coming.

Can you trust a government that subsidizes tobacco and tries to ban vitamins to make intelligent choices about your health care?

Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

Cheese is milk’s leap towards immortality.

Chief weapons of UNIX: Fear, surprise and ruthless efficiency.

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

Climate is what you expect. Weather is what you get.

Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.

COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key

Cogito ergo spud. I think, therefore I yam.

Cogito, ergo am, I think therefore I sum.

College is a fountain of knowledge… and the students are there to drink.

Common sense isn’t.

Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors.

Computer Error: Access denied – nah nah na nah nah!

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

Computers run because they have smoke built into them. When the smoke gets out, the computer stops working.

Conscious is when you are aware of something, and conscience is when you wish you weren’t.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Condense soup, not books!

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?

Courteous Postal Workers:

A. Always have stamps on hand. B. Are kind, courteous, and patient with customers. C. Save the last bullet for themselves.
Cry, ‘Hammock!’ and let sleep the dogs of war.
CTHULU for PRESIDENT – when you’re TIRED of the LESSER of two EVILS!

Cuisine is something like food but the portions are smaller and the prices are higher. If you happen to have French cuisine then the waiter will insult you as you are served.

Death before dishonor, but neither before breakfast.

Death is an acquired trait.

Death is life’s way of telling you you’ve been fired.

Death is Nature’s way of saying ‘slow down’.

Death to intolerance!

Death: To stop sinning suddenly.

Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you’ve been kicked in the head like this before.

Democracy is based on the theorem that many men are smarter than one.

Democracy is mob rule, but with income taxes.

Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.

Destiny makes relatives; selection makes friends.

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?

Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to ‘Go to hell’ in such a way that he looks forward to the trip.

Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘nice doggy’ until you can find a rock.

Diplomacy: the art of letting someone have your way.

Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

DO IT! It’s easier to get forgiveness than permission..

Do married people live longer, or does it just seem that way?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Do you think sheep know when you’re pulling the wool over their eyes?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Does your nose run and your feet smell? Hey, you’re built upside-down!

Dogs come when you call. Cats have answering machines.

Don’t anthropomorphize computers. They don’t like it.

Don’t be terse.

Don’t cry over spilt milk, let the cat in to enjoy your misfortune.

Don’t despair over futility; remember, it also rains over the ocean.

Don’t force it, get a larger hammer.

Don’t hate your self in the morning, sleep until noon.

Don’t look conspicuous, it draws fire.

Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today. That way, if you find you like doing it today, you can do it again tomorrow.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Don’t use no double negatives. And, don’t never use no triple negatives.

Don’t wait for people to be friendly; show them how.

Down with categorical imperatives.

Draft beer, not people.

Drive defensively – buy a tank.

Drug: any substance which, when injected into a laboratory animal, produces a publication.

Dyslexics of the world, Untie!

Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning, and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Eat a prune and start a movement.

Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway.

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…

Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

Envy shoots at others and wounds herself.

Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

Eschew obfuscation.

Eternal nothingness is O.K. if you’re dressed for it.

Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

Eunichs: The operating system for real men.

Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

Even a mosquito doesn’t get a slap on the back until it starts to work.

Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn’t. It just eats another hummingbird.

Every day we know more and more about less and less until finally one day it will get to the point where each of us will know almost everything about practically nothing.

Every mighty oak was once a nut that stood its ground.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Everyday is Earth Day for Miners.

Everyone should be a non-conformist.

Everyone talks about reality, But no one ever does anything about it.

Excuse me for butting in, but I’m interrupt-driven.

Excuse me while I change into something formidable.

Execute each act of your life as though it were your last, and in the end, you will be correct.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the instruction afterward.

Fate is a river; free will is a paddle.

File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

for.eign aid [‘fo.r-*n ‘a-d], n.:

The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and gets stuck.
From my brain, an organ with a mind of it’s own.

Get down off your high horse. It’s dangerous to ride an animal who’s been ingesting controlled substances.

Get your mind out of the gutter, you’re crowding me.

Getting along with your relatives increases in direct proportion with the distance you stay away from them.

God created man before woman…You always make a rough draft before the master piece!

God didn’t create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th.

God invented mothers because he couldn’t be every where at once, And God invented guilt because mothers could not be every where at once.

God is Love Love is blind Ray Charles is blind Therefore Ray Charles is God.

God is love; Satan is 30 and up one set.

God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.

Going the speed of light is bad for your age.

Greed is the root of all evil; honesty is the root of all good; honest greed is the root of all roots.

Gun control is a tight pattern: ((::))

Gun Control – the belief that government, with its great wisdom and moral superiority, can be trusted with a monopoly on deadly force.

Hail to the sun god, he sure is a fun god, Ra, Ra, Ra!

Hackers know all the right MOVs.

Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, and you would not have been informed.

Happiness: The agreeable sensation of contemplating the misery of others.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Have you ever noticed that Fotomats always have the biggest parking lots.

Have you hugged your pathetically overweight, pms-ridden, temperamental, unshaven-legged bitch today?

Have you seen Quasimodo? I had a hunch he was back.

Having a passionate commitment to social justice does not excuse you from knowing what in the hell you’re talking about.

He has a mind like a steel trap. Some day it’ll snap shut and swallow his face.

He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.

He who dies with the most toys wins.

He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.

He who laughs last probably doesn’t understand the joke.

He who lives by the sword eats with bloody hands.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Heisenberg might have slept here.

Hello! I’m a signature virus. Join in the fun and copy me into yours!

Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Help! I’m white, and I can’t get down!

Her eyes were cold and harsh, which made them tough to chew.

Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

Hit any user to continue.

Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say ‘Honk if…’

Horses just naturally have mohawk haircuts.

Hospitals! They clean you with alcohol, but make you drink water!

How come girls with the most streamlined shapes offer the most resistance?

How does one distinguish these two statements from each other?

‘I don’t make the laws, I just enforce them.’ ‘I vus only followink orders.’
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
I agree with your question.

I am Bart of Borg.. assimilate my shorts.

I am Homer of Borg! Prepare to be… Ooooooo! Donuts!

I am Pentium of Borg. Division is irrelevant. You will be approximated.

I am Popeye of Borg you will be A- ka- ka-similated.

I am Shakespeare of Borg: Prepare to be, or not to be, assimilated…

I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.

I didn’t know it was impossible when I did it.

I distinctly remember forgetting that.

I don’t believe in intuition, But I have this feeling that someday I will.

I don’t like violence, but I’m very good at it.

I don’t see you, so don’t pretend to be there.

I don’t suffer from insanity; in fact, I rather enjoy it.

I drink to make other people interesting.

I finally got it all together. Then I forgot where I put it.

I have no life anymore, just a project.

I have no power, only responsibility.

I have not lost my mind…it’s backed up on disk somewhere.

I have to make like a tree and get out of here.

I hit the CTRL key but I’m still not in control!

I know karate, kung fu, and 47 other dangerous words.

I left my harp in Sam Clam’s disco.

I liked you better before I knew you so well.

‘I must do something’ will always solve more problems than ‘something must be done’.

I never knew what true happiness was till I got married. And then it was too late.

I never thought the mail was that slow until I got a postcard from Cairo, and there were only two pyramids in the picture.

I own my own body, but I share.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I sometimes feel alone and insignificant, especially when people turn out the lights while I’m still in the bathroom.

I still miss you, baby, but my aim’s gettin’ better.

I support the Marcell Marceau Foundation, because a mime is a terrible thing to waste.

I think I think; therefore, I think I am.

I used to be indecisive, now I’m not sure.

I used to have a photographic memory, but it was never developed.

I used to live for sex. Now I’d die for some.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

I was goin’ Chopin’, but I forgot my Lizst! Had to go Bach to get it.

I went insane trying to take a close up picture of the horizon.

I will never predict anything.

I wouldn’t mind dying it’s that business of having to stay dead that scares the hell out of me.

I wrote a program in Lisp once…it wrote back to me.

I’d love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code!

I’d love to go with you, but I’m attending the opening of my garage door.

I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

If love is blind, how does love at first sight work?

If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to either of you for the rest of the day.

I’m an absolute, off-the-wall fanatical moderate.

I’m not as paranoid as you tell you everyone I am.

I’m not tense, just terribly alert.

I’ve done so much, with so little, for so long, that now I can do anything with nothing.

I’ve gone to look for myself. If I should return before I get back keep me here.

I’ve had one child. My husband wants to have another. I’d like to watch him have another.

I’ve used up all my sick days…so I’m calling in dead.

If a butterfly flaps its wings in Brazil, a hurricane floods Japan. Help save the world, rip the wings off a butterfly.

If a cat always lands on its feet, and a buttered piece of bread always lands buttered side down, what would happen if you tied a piece of bread (buttered side up) onto a cat’s back?

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

If a tree falls on a florist, would he make a sound?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If all else fails, lower your standards.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

If at first you don’t succeed, deny that you were trying.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your thing

If at first you don’t succeed, give up. No use being a damn fool.

If at first you don’t succeed, so much for skydiving.

If at first you don’t succeed, you’re doing about average.

If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

If everything seems to be going well, then you obviously don’t know what the hell is going on.

If God had intended man to smoke, He would have set him on fire.

If god had meant for us to vote, he’d have given us candidates.

If God hadn’t wanted me to be paranoid, He wouldn’t have given me such a vivid imagination.

If God is in charge, then I’m angry. If He’s not, then I’m scared.

If guns are outlawed, how will conservatives win any arguments?

If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?

If I want your opinion, I’ll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

If I want your opinion, I’ll beet it out of you.

If I want your opinion, I’ll read it in your entrails.

If in doubt, log yourself out.

If iterate means to do again and again, then what does reiterate mean?

If it’s tourist season, why can’t we kill them?

If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

If man were immortal, do you realize what his meat bills would be?

If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.

If Milli Vanilli fall in the woods, does someone else make a sound?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If people see that you mean them no harm, they’ll never hurt you, nine times out of ten.

If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.

If Satan ever loses his hair, there will be hell toupee.

If the enemy is in range, so are you.

If the opposite of ‘pro’ is ‘con’, then what’s the opposite of ‘progress’?

If the phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.

If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then left-handed people are in their right mind.

If the shoe fits, buy the other one, too.

If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.

If time heals all wounds, why does the belly button stay the same?

If you’re not part of the solution, then you’re part of the precipitate.

If you can keep your head while those about you are losing theirs, consider an exciting career as a guillotine operator!

If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

If you can’t be vegetarian, then eat one.

If you can’t dazzle them with style, riddle them with bullets.

If you can’t remember, the claymore is pointed at you.

If you care about a dream enough, make it into a reality.

If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.

If you knew what you were doing, you’d probably be bored.

If you light a cigarette, I will assume that you are on fire and act accordingly.

If you look around a poker game and there’s no sucker, you’re it.

If you love something, let it go. If it returns to you, its yours. If it does not, hunt it down and kill it.

If you love something, kill it. If it returns, you belong to it forever.

If you never talk to strangers, then how do you ever meet anyone?

If you seek enlightenment diligently enough, someone will sell it to you.

If you share a path with an elephant, no matter who stumbles, you lose.

If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you took all the students that fell asleep in class and laid them end to end, they’d be a lot more comfortable.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

If you’re feeling good, don’t worry, you’ll get over it.

If you’re going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance.

If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

Ignorance is bliss, but it will never replace sex.

Illiterate? Write for free brochure.

I’m one with the Universe on a scale from 1 to 10.

Imaginary numbers can become quite complex.

In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism it’s your Count that votes.

In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.

In marriage, the bride gets a shower, but for the groom it’s curtains!

In the beginning, t=0, where t is time.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; In practice, however, there is.

In vino veritas. In aqua sanitas.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

Indecision is the basis of flexibility.

Insanity, its not just a plea. It’s a way of life!

[insert quote here]

Inside this fat body there’s a skinny person screaming to get out. I ate her.

Intel: Putting the backward in backward compatible.

Introducing “lite”, the new way to spell “light”, with 20% fewer letters!

Is it OK to yell ‘MOVIE’ in a crowded firehouse?

Is it true that Mickey Mouse has been seen wearing a Dan Quayle wristwatch?

Isn’t it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?

It has been said that nothing is impossible; yet there are many people doing nothing every day.

It is a mistake to let any mechanical object know you are in a hurry.

It is against the law to use occupied clothing for target practice.

It is always best not to tell people of your troubles. Half of them are not interested and the other half are glad you’re getting what’s coming to you.

It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.

It is morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

It is quite impossible to experience one’s own death objectively and still carry a tune.

It is smart to pick your friends – but not to pieces.

It is truly written that a man has five times as many fingers as ears, but only twice as many ears as noses.

It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man to his face.

It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.

It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.

It was a dark and stormy night; well, actually it was dark, partly cloudy with a 50% of rain; maybe it was more like clear, with the moon shining; now that I think about it, it was sunny, warm, with slight northeasterly breeze.

It would suck to be a vampire.

It’s a fine line between stupid and clever.

It’s a poor workman who blames his tools.

It’s a smart man that can admit he’s stupid.

It’s like my mom always said, if you can’t say something nice about someone, say it about Chris.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

It’s not how fast you go, it’s how well you go fast.

It’s not the fall that kills you, it’s the impact on the rocks below.

It’s you and me against the world…when do we attack?

I’ve truncated, and I can’t round up!

Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you’re a jerk.

Jesus saves sinners, and then redeems them for valuable prizes.

Job vacancy advertisment:

Wanted: Small man for job as a mud flap. Must be flexible and willing to travel.
Joe came home to a wife and a revolver. His gun was loaded too. The feeling was quite mutual.
Join the Army! Travel to exotic, distant lands. Meet exciting, unusual people, and kill them.

Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t after you.

Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn’t mean he knows what it is.

Just when you think you’ve finally hit bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.

Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.

Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.

Keep your ear to the ground, your shoulder to the wheel, and your eye on the ball. Now, try to work in that position.

KRQR, home of the million dollar guarantee. You give us a million dollars, we’ll play any song you want. Guaranteed.

Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I asked myself, ‘Where the hell is my roof?’

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

Life can not be created or destroyed, it can only be screwed up.

Life is a Game; Cheat!

Life is a sexually transmitted disease that is always fatal.

Life is like a roller coaster, but I’m glad to be tall enough to ride.

Life is like an analogy.

Life is like basketball … take a shot or dribble it away.

Life is too confusing for novices; we should hire professionals to do it for us.

Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.

Life on other planets is extinct because their scientists are more advanced than ours.

Life sucks, but does it swallow?

Life’s a beach and someone keeps kicking sand in my face.

Life would be so much easier if everyone read the manual.

Lisp in action is like a finely choreographed ballet. Basic in action is like a waltz of drugged elephants. C in action is like a sword dance on a freshly waxed floor.

Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain’t fruits and nuts is flakes.

Living life naturally, naked.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it includes a free trip round the sun.

Living right doesn’t really make you live longer, it just SEEMS like longer.

Living with saints is tougher than being one!

Look out for #1. But, don’t step in #2.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.

Lottery: A tax on people who failed statistics.

Love is like pi, natural, irrational, and VERY important.

Love means never having to say, ‘Put down the meat clever.’

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Mainframe: the biggest PC peripheral available.

Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won’t be able to get out.

Marijuana is nature’s way of saying ‘high’.

Marriage isn’t a word, it’s a sentence.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Math and alcohol don’t mix. PLEASE, DON’T DRINK AND DERIVE!

Mediocrity thrives on standardization.

Men give love to get sex, Women give sex to get love.

Men’s desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy; women’s desire for intimacy often results in sex.

Misfortune, n. The kind of fortune that never misses.

Mistress – midway between a mister and a mattress.

Moebius strippers never show you their backsides.

Money is a good servant but a bad master.

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.

More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren’t so busy denying they made them.

Mouse not found: Boot cat? (Y/N)

My friend tried to tell me that I had dyslexia, but I’m convinced he has it all backwards.

My Karma ran over my dogma.

My kid beat up your honor student.

My mother told me a million times not to exaggerate.

My notion of a wife at forty is that a man should be able to change her, like a bank note, for two twenties.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

My other bumper sticker is funny.

My pencil slipped and tore my aptitude test.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

Nancy Reagan meets Ms. Manners: Just say ‘No, thank you.’

Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

Never argue with anyone who buys ink by the gallon.

Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.

Never confuse endurance with hospitality.

Never contradict yourself always.

Never do anything standing that you can do sitting, or anything sitting that you can do lying down.

Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.

Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.

Never go off on tangents, which are lines that intersect a curve at only one point and were discovered by Euclid, who lived in the sixth century, which was an era dominated by the Goths, who lived in what we now know as Poland…

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

Never let your schooling interfere with your education.

Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.

Never listen to advice.

Never name your kid ‘Void’; he’ll never be able to get his checks cashed.

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Never question your wife’s judgement; look at whom she married.

Never say anything more predictive than ‘Watch this!’

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own.

Never test for a bug you don’t know how to fix.

Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.

Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty but only the pig likes it.

Never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

Nihilism doesn’t exist.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.

No man is rich enough to buy back his past.

No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats, approximately one billion Chinese couldn’t care less.

No one panic until it’s necessary.

No problem is too small to be blown out of proportions.

No sentence fragments.

Corollary: Complete sentences: important.
No woman ever shot a man while he was doing the dishes.
Nobody ever puts up a sign that says NICE DOG.

Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore. It’s too crowded.

Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain.

Normally someone of your limited physical appearance makes up for it with some sort of a personality.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

Nothing is better than Sex. Masturbation is better than nothing. Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.

Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.

Nothing is impossible if someone else has to implement it.

Now let’s all repeat the non-conformist oath…

Nuke the unborn gay whales for Jesus!

Objectivity increases in direct proportion to the distance from the problem.

Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.

Of all the people I know, you’re one of them.

Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.

Of course I can cook, but I never do it on the first date.

Oh, no, not another learning experience!

Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement…

Old men give good advice when they are no longer able to provide bad examples.

On a clear disk you can seek forever.

On average a human: has one testicle, one ovary, one un-developed breast one developed breast (size A), has black hair and brown eyes earns less than $2,000 per year; with only 1/2 of a womb delivers over 2 children in its life, dies an early death and has never seen the Nile.

Once there was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled. This time is called the Dark Ages.

Once upon a time, people lived happily ever after. Now people live happily ever after, too; after the kids are out of the house and through college; after the mortgage is paid off; and after the divorce is final.

One day I shall burst my bud of calm and blossom forth into hysteria.

One good turn gets the whole blanket.

One in every four people is psychologically impaired. Think of your three closest friends, and if they seem okay, you’re the one.

One picture is worth a thousand words. See diagram below.

One planet is all you get.

Only borrow from pessimists…they don’t expect to be paid back.

Only by purest chance do the above resemble the views of anyone else.

Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one of them is paranoid and the other is out to get him.

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of bleeding, he sings.

Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is fight the solutions.

Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.

Pardon me, but is that Grey Poupon on those Bugle Boy jeans you’re wearing?

People are dying that never died before.

People don’t hate transplanted New Yorkers because they’re from New York. They hate them because they didn’t stay in New York.

People smart enough to give good advice are usually smart enough to give none.

People who can least afford to pay rent pay rent.

People who insult others are jerks.

People who live in glass houses should undress in the dark.

People who live in stone houses shouldn’t throw glass.

People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.

People will believe anything if you whisper it.

People with no ability to understand sarcasm are an endless source of amusement.

Personifiers unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity.

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

Pizza is a lot like sex. When it’s good, it’s really good. When it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.

Please do not look into laser with remaining eyeball.

PMS means that once a month women can act the way men act all the time.

Politicians are like diapers, they need to be changed regularly and for much the same reasons.

politics, n: From the Latin ‘poly’, meaning many, and ‘tic’, meaning little bloodsucking insects.

Practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty.

Practice safe government; use kingdoms.

Anarchist reply: Abstinence is the only way to be 100% sure.
Praise the loud for they shall inherit the stage.
Procrastinate now!

Professional wrestling is for people who like comic books, but can’t handle word balloons.

Professionals are predictable, it’s the amateurs that are dangerous.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Proofreading is more effective after publication

Psychology: the science of pulling habits out of rats.

Psychotics think two and two make five. Neurotics know that two and two make four-but they can’t stand it.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Q. You know what the trouble with our country to day is? A. Ahh, I don’t know and I don’t care.

Quantum particles: The dreams that stuff is made of.

Read my Lisp…no new syntax. (nil)

Reading the small print is education; not reading it is experience.

Real Programmers don’t comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.

Reality’s the only obstacle to happiness.

Reality is for people who can’t handle Star Trek.

Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t handle science fiction.

Reality is what refuses to go away when I stop believing in it.

Remember, if guns are outlawed, only cops will have guns.

Remember, It’s not whether you win or lose, It’s whether I win or lose.

Remember that sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train.

Remember, the darkest hour lasts only sixty minutes.

Residudes: The bums that hangout in front of hotels.

Roses are red Violets are blue Some poems rhyme But this one doesn’t.

Save a tree. Eat a beaver.

Save the whales, collect the whole set.

Save water. Shower with a friend.

Seen on Pavlov’s door: Knock. Don’t ring bell.

Seen on the back of a Denver garbage truck: ‘Satisfaction Guaranteed or double your trash back.’

Sex is like a bridge game – If you have a good hand, no partner is needed.

Sex is like snow… You never know how many inches you’re going to get or how long it will last.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. ‘Yes’ is the answer.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?

Sign for a combined Veterinarian and Taxidermist business:

‘Either Way You Get Your Dog Back’
Sin harder! Ragnarok is coming!
Sitting on top of the world could be a pain in the ass.

Skydiving, good to the last drop.

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…..

Smile, Cthulhu loathes you.

So one day Lassie falls into a well, and Timmy went rushing home and started barking at his parents…

So there I am looking at your elbow. And I ask myself, ‘What’s a nice joint this doing on a girl like that?’

So, now you say I’m redundant, that I repeat myself, that I say things over and over again.

Solution to two of the world’s problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry.

Some minds should be cultivated, others plowed under.

Some of the more environmentally aware dinosaurs were worried about the consequences of an accident with the new iridium enriched fusion reactor. `If it goes off, only the cockroaches and mammals will survive…,’ they said.

Some people dream of worthy accomplishments while others stay awake and do them.

Some students drink at the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle.

Some things are still sacred…I haven’t taken them apart yet.

Sorry, no quote today.

Spontaneity has its time and place.

Stop calling me immature or I’ll tell on you.

Strong government makes weak citizens.

Study = NoFail NoStudy = Fail ………….. Study + NoStudy = Fail + No Fail Study(1 + No) = Fail(1 + No) ergo, Study = Fail

Success in marriage is more than finding the right person; it is being the right person.

Success is achieving the top of the food chain.

Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!

– A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly, the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle Association
Support your local medical examiner, die strangely.

Take care that your verb and subject is in agreement.

Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.

Teach a man to fish, he’ll eat fish the rest of his life. Teach a fish to learn, and soon the fish will all be running around in schools!

Tell someone there are 300 billion stars, and they’ll believe you. Put up a sign saying ‘wet paint’, and they’ll have to touch it to be sure.

Terminator…the few, the proud, the machines.

The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.

The average woman is more concerned with her beauty than she is with her mind, since the average man can see better than he can think.

The bad thing about getting good at jogging is that you have a long walk home when you’re done for the day.

The best kind of humor is that which makes me laugh for 5 seconds and think for 10 minutes.

The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.

The crimes we are about to depict have been specially committed for this program.

The difference between art and science is that if something works in art, you don’t have to explain why.

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

The dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.

The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.

The easy way is always mined.

The Elder Gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.

The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.

The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when you’re ready for them or, when you’re not ready for them.

The family that lays together, stays together.

The first function of a bureaucracy is to keep intact the bureaucracy.

The first myth of management is that it exists.

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is save all parts!

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice.

The government has just completed work on a faulty missile; nicknamed ‘Civil Servant’, it won’t work and they can’t fire it.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, ‘Why does it work?’ The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, ‘How does it work?’ The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, ‘How much will it cost?’ The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, ‘Do you want fries with that?’

The harder you fall, the higher you bounce.

The highest form of public service is assassination.

The hypochondriac’s epitaph: NOW will you believe me?

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the ‘Four Fs’: 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating.

The legal system is the epoxy glue that oils the wheels of American society.

The light at the end of the tunnel is usually a No Exit sign.

The meek shall inherit the Earth; they are too weak to refuse.

The more you run over road kill, the flatter it gets.

The new NRA slogan: Guns don’t kill people, postal workers kill people.

The NeXT (R) computer: The hardware makes it a PC, the software makes it a workstation, the unit sales make it a mainframe.

The nice thing about standards is, there are so many to choose from.

The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.

The only difference between graffiti and philosophy is the word fuck.

The only reason God was able to make the world in seven days was he didn’t have to remain compatible with the previous version.

The only sense I can make out of having kids is it’s a good way to become a grandparent.

The only thing wrong with doing nothing is that you never know when you are finished.

The optimist sees a glass that’s half full. The pessimist sees a glass that’s half empty. An engineer sees a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.

The other day, I dropped a piece of bread and it fell butter side up. I was convinced that I’d buttered the wrong side of the bread.

The other day I put my wrists in front of my eyes. I had Carpal Tunnel Vision Syndrome.

The passive voice should never be used.

The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.

The philosophy exam was a piece of cake which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

The proof that IBM didn’t invent the car is that it has a steering wheel and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a horse.

The Republicans assure us in their speeches that ‘big government can’t solve any problems’ and then they govern in such a way as to prove it.

The rest of us relieve the normal and natural stresses of everyday life by letting them out, 200 grains at a time, downrange.

The sign of a confident scientist: Often wrong, never in doubt.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

The speed of time is one second per second.

The trouble with going with the flow is, you might wind up getting sucked down the drain.

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God’s mind. (a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you’ve just made a down payment on a house.)

The way to a man’s heart is with a broadsword.

The weather is here…wish you were beautiful.

The weather is the part of this planet’s career that we can notice in our back yards.

The world is a powder keg, and I but a humble flame.

The world’s a stage on which an act is performing that should have been gonged years ago.

The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!

The worst thing that you can do to someone is cause them to hire a lawyer.

There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.

There are three kinds of people in the world, those who can count, and those who can’t.

There are three kinds of people: those who make things happen; those who watch things happen; and those who wonder what happened.

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who divide everything into two groups and those who don’t.

There are two kinds of people in this world, those that dichotomize, and those that don’t.

There are two thoughts that will insure success in all you do:

1. Don’t tell everything you know.
There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works.
There are very few personal problems which can’t be solved by the suitable application of high explosives.

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

There’s an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.

There’s more than one way to skin a cat. Way #15: Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.

There’s no future in time travel.

There is no limit to the amount of good that people can accomplish, if they don’t care who gets the credit.

There is one thing more exasperating than a spouse who can cook and won’t, and that’s a spouse who can’t cook and will.

These two guys walk into a bar… think one of them would have seen it!

Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

Think ‘Honk’ if you’re a telepath.

Think all you speak, but speak not all you think.

Think of how much fun you could have with the doctor’s wife and a bucket of apples.

This is no ordinary fool you’re dealing with.

This is a shareware quote. Send $5 if you use it, send $10 for manual.

This is a test signature file. If this had been a real signature file, you would have been directed to the nearest signature shelter.

This life is a test – it is only a test. If it had been an actual life, you would have received further instructions on where to go and what to do.

This man’s dying! Dammit, Jim, I’m a doctor, not a…. oh, right.

This message has been brought to you by the number 5 and the letter F.

This sentence is false with probability 0.5.

This space intentionally left blank.

Those who live by the nit, die by the nit.

thought, thought, thought, thought = forethought.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

Time is nature’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.

To all virgins: thanks for nothing.

To be or not to be, that is the square root of 4 B^2.

To be or not to be; that requires one TTL gate at a minimum, but you could do it with three NAND gates, or just hook the output to Vcc.

To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.

To err is human, to moo bovine.

To err is human. To really foul things up requires a computer.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

To hell with the prime directive, let’s kill something!

To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.

To light a candle is to cast a shadow.

To understand recursion you have to understand recursion.

Today is the first day of the rest of your sentence.

Today is the last day of your life so far.

Today is the yesterday you worried about tomorrow.

Today’s been a long week.

Too many people in the world means not enough M&Ms for me.

Torture the data long enough and they will confess to anything.

True wealth is not so much having luck, industry, and talent, as it is having lots of money.

Trust in Allah, but tie up your camel tight.

Tuba or not Tuba?

Twice five syllables Plus seven can’t say much but That’s Haiku for you.

Two behaviorists meet in the morning and one says to the other, ‘You’re fine. How am I?’

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do.

UFO’S are REAL. The Air Force doesn’t exist.

Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.

Unlike the cleaning lady, I have to do Windows.

Unlive and learn.

Use your Turn Signals!: if I were psychic, I’d have known not to be on the road with you in the first place.

USER ERROR: replace user and press any key to continue.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.

Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.

Wallowing in the mud only gets you dirty, but it is a hell of a lot of fun.

Walt Disney is not dead. He’s in suspended animation.

Wanted, dead or alive: Schroedinger’s cat.

War is the last refuge of incompetent statesmen.

Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

[Warning on knife]: Caution. Blade is sharp. Keep out of children.

Watching the democratic party in a presidential contest is like watching a washing machine with a defective bearing: It starts up smoothly enough, but soon, it begins to wobble and shake, jumping violently from place to place, until it tears itself to pieces, spewing dirty laundry all over the room.

We aim to please, but shoot to kill.

We are faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations.

We have the best government money can buy.

We Scorpios don’t believe in astrology.

We should unite against conformity.

We will fight to the death for our pacifist aims.

We’ll burn that bridge when we come to it.

We’ve got to stop hurting each other…you first.

Went to lunch with a friend today to a new chicken place. We asked how they prepare their chickens. The answer was, ‘We just tell them they’re going to die.’

What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Co.?

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

What is it, Lassie? A boy fell down a mine shaft and broke his ankle and is diabetic and needs insulin? Is THAT what you’re trying to tell me?

What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?

What would happen if everybody became a non-conformist?

Whatever happens to you, it will have previously happened to everyone you know, only more so.

When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?

When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero.

When Columbus started out he didn’t know where he was going, when he got there he didn’t know where he was, and when he got back he didn’t know where he had been.

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

When dangling, watch your participles.

When everything in life seems to be coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.

When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

When freedom is outlawed, only outlaws will be free.

When I want you opinion, I’ll give it to you.

When I want your opinion, I’ll beat it out of you.

When I want your opinion, I’ll read it in your entrails.

When I was in high school, my friends would lay anything that moved. I choose not to limit myself.

When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.

When shooting a mime, do you use a silencer?

When they drop the bomb, armageddon outa here.

When they took the fourth amendment, I was quiet because I didn’t deal drugs. When they took the sixth amendment, I was quiet because I was innocent. When they took the second amendment, I was quiet because I didn’t own a gun. Now they’ve taken the first amendment, and I can say nothing about it.

When you asked me to live in sin with you, I didn’t know you meant sloth.

Where would we be without rhetorical questions?

While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

Who ever said that money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.

Who is General Failure & why’s he reading my disk?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why can’t you be unique and original like everybody else?

Why did Kamakazie pilots wear helmets?

Why do irons have a setting for permanent press?

Why do they stop prison riots?

Why doesn’t DOS ever say ‘EXCELLENT command or filename!’

Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

Why don’t we work on Labor Day?

Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Will your answer to this question be no?

Windows – From the people who brought you EDLIN.

Windows: Just another pane in the glass.

With friends like these, who needs hallucinations?

With this gun, you be dead, to maim, beat, shoot in public and in home, `til murder do us part.

Women libbers are ok. I just wouldn’t want my sister to marry one.

Work 8 hours, sleep 8 hours; but not the same 8 hours.

Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: It stays up as long as you don’t screw with it.

(Writing small enough and high enough on a bathroom wall for you to stretch out to read): ‘If you can read this, you’re pissing on your leg,you idiot’.

Ya gotta feel sorry for all them convicts in New Hampshire, stampin’ out license plates that say Live free or Die.

Yes, but what if this wasn’t a rhetorical question?

You always find something in the last place you look, unless it’s not there.

You can fool all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, and that should be sufficient for most purposes.

You can overwhelm or underwhelm somebody, but what does it mean to just whelm somebody… and, how can you be chalant? Can you be chalant while your whelming somebody?

You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose.

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

You can’t be first, but you can be next!

You can’t leap a chasm in two jumps.

You can’t win. You can’t break even. You can’t even quit the game.

You know you’re growing old when your knees buckle but your belt won’t.

You know, just once I’d like to meet and alien menace that wasn’t immune to bullets.

You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.

Your experience curve raises when you experience more curves.

Your new lease of life doesn’t include utilities.

Youth and skill are no match for experience and treachery.